This past week, Tuesday, March 30th, to be exact, marked the fifth anniversary of Paul’s and my first date. As I mentioned before, we met online on Match.com. He wrote to me first. We met at a coffee shop. He bought me a cup of  chai and I bought him peanut butter cookie and he wore this really dorky Hawaiian shirt, leather jacket and cowboy boots, which I believe he still has. We had a connection … and the rest is history.

We planned to mark the occasion by leaving the kids home alone and sneaking out after dinner to “reenact” our first date. But… that didn’t pan out. Instead I had a headache and homework to do and Paul, being the absolute doll that he is, sensed my bad mood and in his usual caring, loving way,  alleviated my stress by  offering  to pick up takeout. He came home with several dishes from my favorite local Asian restaurant and a bottle of Windy Oaks pinot noir, the winery where we got married. We stayed home and lit a fire.

While he was out picking up our dinner, I routed through some files and found copies of our original email exchanges I had printed out, which I read to him later when we were alone. It reminded me of why I fell in love with him, why I still love him and I shuddered at the thought that I almost never wrote back to him in the first place. Below is a quote in its entirety  of the very first email he  sent to me exactly as he wrote it.

“I read your profile iand see yours yours. Seems like parallel paths, but a few miles apart within Santa Cruz!”

That’s it folks. That’s all I got. Not only was it riddled with misspellings that made the statement  basically unintelligible, but THAT WAS ALL HE HAD TO SAY??? Where was the worship and adoration I was seeking? No, “You’re so beautiful and fascinating that I  cannot wait to meet you!” It is hard for me to imagine now, but I almost wrote him off for his bad grammar and lousy punctuation, which is ironic when I consider what a great writer Paul is. He proofreads all of my papers for school and his input makes them so much better. He is meticulous, neat and tidy in so many areas of his life (except that he often leaves his dirty socks and underwear on the bedroom floor) that it is hard for me to believe that I almost let him get away for the careless, inconsiderate slob I initially perceived him to be. This brings me to my point, ladies: Don’t let the good ones get away while you pine away for some idealized fantasy of some fairytale prince that you have built up in your mind as THE ONE.

I just finished reading a fantastic book that I believe  is perhaps the most seminal in depth study of male/female relationships that I cannot recommend it enough. It is called, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough I know, the title puts you off a little bit. It is a little offensive. How dare anyone expect you to settle? Like it’s a dirty word. The author Laura Gottlieb makes a strong case for doing just that. Settling in this context is more about compromise and being realistic,  and ultimately  about acceptance.

Gottlieb learned this lesson the hard way and is trying to spare other women of committing the same mistakes. She says women today have a heightened sense of entitlement. They expect too much without really thinking about what they have to give to get. She quotes Dr. Michael Broder, a Philadelphia-based psychologist who specializes in relationships as saying, “For these women, not only is the imagined guy a fantasy, but so is the actual relationship. After all, there’s a limit to what a relationship can provide.  They are looking for a relationship from the perspective of what the guy can provide for them — a ‘me-me-me thing’ — instead of wanting something more reciprocal.” He went on to say that our mother’s generation was not like this. “They may have wished, but certainly didn’t expect, that their husbands would constantly want to please them, be attracted to them, entertain them, enjoy sharing all of their interests, and be the most charming person in the room. Instead they knew that marriage involved failing health, aging, boredom, periods of stress and disconnection, annoying habits, issues with children,  hardships and misunderstandings of all sorts.”

I know women like this and they are all alone. A few years ago I tried to introduce my never married 40ish friend to a really great guy I knew whom I described to her as, “Sweet, kind, really good looking, fun, active, smart, funny, has a good job and owns his own home.” Her response? How tall is he? She just couldn’t date him if he wasn’t at least five inches taller than she. He wasn’t. He’s now married to someone else and she’s still alone. I know another woman who will summarize her first date by telling you what he wore. She’ll describe his shirt, his shoes and the car he drove. There is never any mention of his character or  personality, how he treated her, what they talked about or how she felt when she was with him. She told me recently, “I just want a guy who’s crazy about me.” Oy.

Relationships are work. They take effort, investment, time and patience. NO ONE is perfect. We all have flaws. My 40ish friend was 30 pounds over weight when she made her  “I can’t date a short guy” proclamation.  Imagine if the tables were turned and he said, “Sorry, I can’t take a gal who’s chubby.” He’d be a cad. She, on the other hand, is selective. She won’t settle.

I didn’t settle either. I have my standards. My husband had to love kids and dogs. He had to be kind, loving, smart and funny. No bad tempers or substance abuse issues. I can still remember that first time I stood in Paul’s kitchen and he poured his heart out to me. He confessed that he really didn’t have much money. (As if I couldn’t guess. Financial hardship is often a by product of divorce.) I knew I loved him when I didn’t care. We could make a life together and we started planning that minute. Thank god I didn’t toss him aside when I got that first email.

Paul was out of town last night so I did what I usually do when he is away: I stayed up late and watched Sex and the City reruns in bed. I have seen each episode at least 50 times. Paul has never commented about my fixation on this show although I know he must wonder why I watch it so much. Even I was baffled by my own fascination with Carrie and her friends until I realized that listening to them rehash their Saturday night dates over Sunday morning brunch was my way of reliving my youth. I too lived in NYC in the late 80’s,  danced the night away at The Palladium and attended my share of “Fleet Week” flight deck parties. My photograph appeared  on Page Six of the New York Post and when I married the first time, my wedding was announced in Town and Country Magazine. Those were the days. Sigh. I am now a soccer mom of five with  plantar fasciitis. (My kids tell me the orthotics I place in my shoes squeak when I walk.) So waiting to see if Miranda is going to have the baby or if Charlotte and Trey will ever get back together (even though I already know the outcome) is my fun escape from the sometimes monotonous routine of  a middle-aged woman who can’t find her reading glasses. Read the rest of this entry »

It has been called to my attention that if you Google “gay ex-husband”, my blog comes up first. Number One on the World Wide Web. Isn’t that something? This is my claim to fame — or notoriety, depending on how you look at it.  How many people would kill for that kind of ranking? All kidding aside, I am glad in a way. I wrote a separate page for my blog, My Gay Ex-Husband, because I knew there had to be other women out there who were grappling with the shock of discovering that their husband’s were gay and would have  no idea where to turn for comfort, support, answers and direction.  So in solidarity, I wrote about my experiences so these women everywhere would know they were not alone.

As you might imagine, I have had a lot of emails from women from all over the country. They don’t post comments on my blog, but they do write to me. I would never publish their letters and I never discuss what they tell me, even with my husband (who forgets everything I tell him anyway), but I would like to offer to my reading public the gist of  these letters since there is an uncanny similarity to all of them. Here are some of their frequently asked questions:

#1. How did you get over it? How did you get past the pain, humiliation and anger so that you could move on with your life?

This is a biggie. How does anyone get over anything? A failed marriage is a failed marriage and there is no guarantee that I would not have gotten divorced if I had married a straight guy. Still I was pretty pissed when you figure that if I had married a straight guy I might have had a better shot at staying married. I felt like I had no control over the situation, which was frustrating and, oddly, also liberating. It was not my fault. Given the information that was presented to me at the time of my marriage, I felt like I had made a good decision. I was given a free pass.

#2. How did you forgive?

This is kind of tied into the first question, but let me elaborate a bit. I think one of my best character traits (if I may so so myself) and  traits we as a democratic, civilized society can use a little more of, is my compassion, empathy and the ability to see through someone else’s perspective. Intellectually I knew that we live in a society that demonizes homosexuality. Rick Warren, the pastor who said the opening prayer at Obama’s inauguration, has likened homosexuality to bestiality and pedophilia.  It is no wonder gay people feel oppressed, ostracized and the need to closet their sexuality. In that context, I couldn’t blame my gay ex-husband, Jared, for attempting to deny his true sexual identity. It made me more understanding and hence, more forgiving.

#3. What did you tell the kids?

I told them the truth, warts and all. I told them I was sad, but I made it clear to them that even though I was down, I was not out. I firmly believe children take their cues from their parents and if I could recover, they could too.  I explained to them that we had to let Daddy go to be happy, which is the greatest gift anyone can give to anyone. Dad would still be in our lives, he just was not going to live with us anymore. (Although he came over for dinner many times those first few months.) I told them that there is nothing wrong with being gay, but many people do not share our acceptance and openness about it. To this day, the girls are very selective with whom they confide in about their father being gay.

#4. How did you find happiness again?

I found it mostly because I wanted to, but not until I had given myself sufficient time to grieve,which is a very important part of the healing process. When you avoid pain by not processing it, you can not get over it. After an initial scoundrel period in which I rushed into dating in order to fill the void in my life, I eventually realized that I needed time alone in order to come to terms with what I really wanted out of life and to discover what would make me truly happy.

#5. Where did you turn to for support?

My first action, after I poured my heart out to my friends, was to get professional counseling. I made a few inquiries and found a very supportive therapist who had experience in dealing with exactly what I was going through.  In addition, I searched the Internet and found The Straight Spouse Support Network ,founded my Amity Pierce Buxton, whose husband came out in the ’70’s. Amity was sweet enough to email me and I talked on the phone with members from the local chapter. I also read several books that were very helpful and made me realize that I was neither crazy nor alone. Here are a view titles: Pretzel Logic: A Novel , The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families, Revised and Expanded Edition and  My Husband Is Gay: A Woman’s Survival Guide.

It has been more than ten years since Jared, my ex, first confessed to me that he was gay, and quite frankly, I rarely think about it anymore. My days now are filled with loving and enjoying my new husband, our busy lives as a blended family, working on our family business and, now that the kids are older and more independent, fulfilling and pursuing my own dreams.

I don’t think there is a person anywhere, man or woman, who looks forward to reentering the dating scene at the age of forty. There is a lot I have learned on this subject. I dated more men that I care to admit and I have heard every divorce/ break up sob story you can imagine. It got to the point where I could almost put my dates on auto pilot because they all sounded the same to me. Although many of my dates were very nice, many were sad and/or bitter and some were downright weird, like the metro sexual who took longer to get ready for a date than I did because he had a pathological fear of buttons. Or the guy who thought the jet stream marks made by airplanes were created by aliens. These outrageous types can and should be written off as freaks and weirdos, but there are others losers that are not as obvious that you should be on the look out for.

MEN TO AVOID

The Angry Spiritual Guy This man takes his meditations seriously.  He has a daily spiritual practice he likes to talk about all the time. His  self-awareness  borders on self-absorption. He may not be bible thumping, but he is still badgering you with his own brand of “enlightenment” superiority. Unfortunately, his life long quest for balance, inner peace and tranquility is not working.  He directs his own self-loathing and inferiority complex outward by picking on you and putting you down. Not someone you want to spend time with.

The Svengali/Rescuer.  This guy tries to find your weak spots and doesn’t let go. He targets vulnerable women he can “protect” and “save”  so that you will be forever beholden to him. He prefers to be your consoler rather than your congratulator. It gives him power to see you vulnerable and depressed.  He focuses on the negative and dwells on things that will knock your confidence a bit with subtle put downs that if you protest or object, he’ll tell you you are being too sensitive. Avoid him.

Mr. Romance.  He’s read The Four Agreements and waxes romantic about finding true love again. He thinks he’s ready for love but he’s not.  He’ll  talk about taking you away for the weekend or introducing you to his friends, but he never makes plans. In fact, all his talk is pretty general. He is in love with the idea of love. He will wine and dine you the first few dates and after that all you get is the “stay-in-touch” phone call. He is probably well-intentioned and should not be confused with the commitment-phobic “player”. This guy is most likely still nursing a wounded heart and ego. He loved being married and his divorce was not his idea. He likes you, he’s just not ready. Don’t wait around.

Mr. Ambivalence. Similar to Mr. Romance in that he seems kind of into you but you aren’t really sure. You might chalk up  his tentativeness to his insecurity or fear of getting hurt when in reality it is because, as Greg Behrendt proclaimed in his aptly titled book, He’s Just Not That Into You.  You’ll know for sure when you find out about a year after you break up with him that he married a woman 20 years his junior and had a baby. The pathetic solace at this time in your life is to reread The Four Agreements, or  The Secret. Whatever you do, don’t do what I did and stay up too late watching Pilates Infomercials.

Just as there are warning signals and red flags for women to avoid, I have the benefit of a man’s perspective i.e. my husband’s, to tell you what to look out for when it comes to dangerous women.

WOMEN TO AVOID

The Onion. My husband told me he went on a first and only date with a woman who when they sat down to dinner told him: “I just want you to know, I am a very complicated person with lots of layers. I’m like an onion. I’m really hard to get to know. ” Check please.

The Ex-Model/Beauty Queen/Gold Digger. Apparently these women are everywhere. High maintenance, low effort, lazy, selfish and spoiled. Can’t imagine a life where they actually have to work or do laundry. You would never catch them washing the dog. If they did, they’d be wearing Manolo Blahnik’s. These types give good women a bad name.

The Three Mojito Girl aka The Boozer. Need I say more? My husband took out one of these gals and she drank like this at lunch.

Other Points of Wisdom.

The most important lesson I learned dating post 40 with kids is an observation really. I see so many seemingly terrific women who have been single and dating for years and they can’t figure out why they haven’t found someone. It is not for lack of trying. It is for lack of giving. What I mean by that is a lot of people look to relationships in terms of what they want to get out of it without any consideration for what they need to put into it in order to get it. Some single moms I know have actually looked at me with horror when I tell them I married a man with three children. Even though they have children of their own, there is no way they could deal with more. How would they feel if someone told them that about their kids? “You are OK but I don’t want your kids around.” That wouldn’t have worked for me. I was attracted to men with kids because I knew they would understand the joys, challenges and responsibilites associated with children.

If you are dating on-line, beware of the Penpal Guy/Gal. I was just skimming the reviews of a some dating books on Amazon when I came across one written by a “relationship therapist”. She suggested that you really get to know your on-line dating correspondents via emails for at least a month before you set out to meet them. I cannot disagree with this more for three reasons. Chances are the person who is not willing to meet right away could be a dreamer who would rather worship from afar because he/she is too afraid deal with not only rejection, but the possibility of a real relationship. Secondly, you are setting yourself up for disappointment because the reality of meeting someone rarely matches your fantasy and idealization of that person. Finally, you could be wasting your time on someone you have absolutely no chemistry with.  I learned these lessons the hard way. I corresponded via emails and phonecalls for a month with a man I met on-line who was planning to relocate to my area. We had a great rapport on the phone and he was very, very complementary of me. He loved my intellect and sense of humor. We read the same books, shared the same values and philosophies  and had generally great phone chemistry. He made plans to come to my town to look at houses and we arranged to meet for a walk on the beach.  I got my hair done, bought a new outfit, got a manicure and drove down to meet him. I got out of the car and I could tell by the way he looked at me and greeted me that he was disappointed and truthfully, so was I. There was zero chemistry. Zilch. The date lasted twenty minutes and he made an excuse that he had to go. Later I saw his profile again  on-line and he did move near me, but I never saw or heard from him again. After that whenever a guy told me he “really wanted to get to know me before we met” I said forget and moved on.

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People, mostly women who write to me, ask me, “How did you know that Paul was the one for you? ” And more precisely, “How did you know that you could do it? That you could get married and blend your families?”  Good question. When I met Paul I was 43.  No spring chicken, (although I’d like to think that I still looked fabulous), and I had been around the block more than a few times. Let’s just say I had taken quite a few  laps. I knew what I wanted and figured when I found it I would know. And I did. There were a lot of little events that led up to the big one that told me, no, shouted to me, “Marry this man!”.  So let me recount the details. Read the rest of this entry »