shwanda

I don’t think there is a person anywhere, man or woman, who looks forward to reentering the dating scene at the age of forty. There is a lot I have learned on this subject. I dated more men that I care to admit and I have heard every divorce/ break up sob story you can imagine. It got to the point where I could almost put my dates on auto pilot because they all sounded the same to me. Although many of my dates were very nice, many were sad and/or bitter and some were downright weird, like the metro sexual who took longer to get ready for a date than I did because he had a pathological fear of buttons. Or the guy who thought the jet stream marks made by airplanes were created by aliens. These outrageous types can and should be written off as freaks and weirdos, but there are others losers that are not as obvious that you should be on the look out for.

MEN TO AVOID

The Angry Spritual Guy This man takes his meditations seriously. In fact, he is so enlightened he is more superior than anyone he knows. He has a daily spiritual practice he likes to talk about all the time. Unfortunately, his life long quest for balance, inner peace and tranquility is not working.  He directs his own self-loathing and inferiority complex outward by picking on you and putting you down. Not someone you want to spend time with.  

The Svengali/Rescuer.  This guy tries to find your weak spots and doesn’t let go. He targets vulnerable women he can “protect” and “save”  so that you will be forever beholden to him. He prefers to be your consoler rather than your congratulator. It gives him power to see you vulnerable and depressed.  He focuses on the negative and dwells on things that will knock your confidence a bit with subtle put downs that if you protest or object, he’ll tell you you are being too sensitive. Avoid him.

Mr. Romance.  He’s read The Four Agreements and waxes romantic about finding true love again. He thinks he’s ready for love but he’s not.  He’ll  talk about taking you away for the weekend or introducing you to his friends, but he never makes plans. In fact, all his talk is pretty general. He is in love with the idea of love. He will wine and dine you the first few dates and after that all you get is the “stay-in-touch” phone call. He is probably well-intended and should not be confused with the commitment-phobic “player”. This guy is most likely still nursing a wounded heart and ego. He loved being married and his divorce was not his idea. He likes you, he’s just not ready. Don’t wait around.

Mr. Ambivalence. Similar to Mr. Romance in that he seems kind of into you but you aren’t really sure. You might chalk up  his tentativeness to his insecurity or fear of getting hurt when in reality it is because, as Greg Behrendt proclaimed in his aptly titled book, He’s Just Not That Into You.  You’ll know for sure when you find out about a year after you break up with him that he married a woman 20 years his junior and had a baby. The pathetic solace at this time in your life is to reread The Four Agreements, or  The Secret. Whatever you do, don’t do what I did and stay up too late watching Pilates Infomercials.

Just as there are warning signals and red flags for women to avoid, I have the benefit of a man’s perspective i.e. my husband’s, to tell you what to look out for when it comes to dangerous women.

WOMEN TO AVOID

The Onion. My husband told me he went on a first and only date with a woman who when they sat down to dinner told him: “I just want you to know, I am a very complicated person with lots of layers. I’m like an onion. I’m really hard to get to know. ” Check please.

The Ex-Model/Beauty Queen/Gold Digger. Apparently these women are everywhere. High maintenance, low effort, lazy, selfish and spoiled. Can’t imagine a life where they actually have to work or do laundry. You would never catch them washing the dog. If they did, they’d be wearing Manolo Blahnik’s. These types give good women a bad name.

The Three Mojito Girl aka The Boozer. Need I say more? My husband took out one of these gals and she drank like this at lunch.

Other Points of Wisdom.

The most important lesson I learned dating post 40 with kids is an observation really. I see so many seemingly terrific women who have been single and dating for years and they can’t figure out why they haven’t found someone. It is not for lack of trying. It is for lack of giving. What I mean by that is a lot of people look to relationships in terms of what they want to get out of it without any consideration for what they need to put into it in order to get it. Some single moms I know have actually looked at me with horror when I tell them I married a man with three children. Even though they have children of their own, there is no way they could deal with more. How would they feel if someone told them that about their kids? “You are OK but I don’t want your kids around.” That wouldn’t have worked for me. I was attracted to men with kids because I knew they would understand the joys, challenges and responsibilites associated with children.

If you are dating on-line, beware of the Penpal Guy/Gal. I was just skimming the reviews of a some dating books on Amazon when I came across one written by a “relationship therapist”. She suggested that you really get to know your on-line dating correspondents via emails for at least a month before you set out to meet them. I cannot disagree with this more for three reasons. Chances are the person who is not willing to meet right away could be a dreamer who would rather worship from afar because he/she is too afraid deal with not only rejection, but the possibility of a real relationship. Secondly, you are setting yourself up for disappointment because the reality of meeting someone rarely matches your fantasy and idealization of that person. Finally, you could be wasting your time on someone you have absolutely no chemistry with.  I learned these lessons the hard way. I corresponded via emails and phonecalls for a month with a man I met on-line who was planning to relocate to my area. We had a great rapport on the phone and he was very, very complementary of me. He loved my intellect and sense of humor. We read the same books, shared the same values and philosophies  and had generally great phone chemistry. He made plans to come to my town to look at houses and we arranged to meet for a walk on the beach.  I got my hair done, bought a new outfit, got a manicure and drove down to meet him. I got out of the car and I could tell by the way he looked at me and greeted me that he was disappointed and truthfully, so was I. There was zero chemistry. Zilch. The date lasted twenty minutes and he made an excuse that he had to go. Later I saw his profile again  on-line and he did move near me, but I never saw or heard from him again. After that whenever a guy told me he “really wanted to get to know me before we met” I said forget and moved on.