Sophia and I are off for a four day weekend to Philadelphia to visit my oldest sister, Nina and to look at Drexel University, one of the schools Sophia has been accepted to. Last weekend she and her dad visited Lewis and Clark in Portland and Sophia reported that she liked it very much. Since Portland is on our coast, and since Lewis and Clark offered her a HUGE scholarship, we are all leaning toward that one. However, I want Sophia to make an informed decision, plus I need an excuse to see my sister and eat Philly cheese steaks and drink WAWA coffee. It should be a lot of fun. We are both looking forward to it. I’ll take some video and lots of photos and post them as we go.

This was taken at the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas. A canal with gondolier rides. I hear there is also a hotel with an ocean. What’s next? The Grand Canyon?

Years ago, when I was a single mom, I used to go on a winter break ski trip with my girls and my best friend Susie and her daughter, Jill,  who is Eva’s age. We used to live two doors down from Susie and Jill and my girls are best friends. We called it our “all girl ski trip.” We looked forward to it every year. We haven’t gone the last few years and just recently, we talked about going again. “This year,” Eva and Sophia informed me, “we have to take Cheryl.” I was touched by how thoughtful and magnanimous they were in including their step sister, because after all, this was a special thing that we had always done together.

When I told Cheryl of our plans, she was a little skeptical. She said she really wanted to go, but she was afraid of feeling like a 3rd wheel. She went on to explain that whenever Eva is with Jill they tend to ditch her.  So… we came up with a solution. I suggested that she bring along a friend and this year it would be a “super all girl ski trip.” Cheryl was very happy and even told me the friend she wants to take.

I explained to her that in blended families we often have to find ways to make old traditions new traditions.

I once asked a pediatrician friend of mine what her greatest challenge was in her practice and she responded without hesitation, “Dealing with parents who don’t recognize that they are the source of their children’s problems.” As a stepmother in a blended family,  I understood immediately what she meant.

Our family just returned from a week long trip in Northern California hiking the trails at Mount Lassen State Park and riding the rapids of the Trinity River in Willow Creek. We had a blast. We even experienced a Big Foot sighting! (Not really.) It was a fun trip and everyone had a great time. Everyone except Cheryl who didn’t go. She refused and stayed with relatives instead. Why did she not want to go? Well, its kind of a long story.

You see, Mount Lassen is a place Cheryl considers her mother’s “special place” because her maternal grandparents have a cabin nearby, which she has visited every summer for as long as she can remember. Both with her father, Paul (my husband), while he was still married to her mother, and more recently with her mother and brothers the last several years after their divorce. This year Cheryl’s mom was unable to go, so when Paul and I were planning our vacation, Paul thought it might be nice to visit Lassen (we did not stay at the family cabin) and also tour a nearby guest ranch where we would spend the day hiking, horseback riding and later have dinner in the lodge and swim in the geothermal heated swimming pool. Paul wanted us to experience something that their family had always enjoyed. Just like I took all of the kids last summer to visit my family back East in New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania. However, Cheryl did not see it quite the same way. Having a very strong loyalty to her mother, she somehow felt that visiting this place would somehow taint or ruin the memories of her experiences there with her mom.

I first got a taste of Cheryl’s emotional attachments a few years ago when I took all three girls, my two daughters, and Cheryl to San Francisco for a mini girls only vacation. As soon as we arrived, we dropped our bags in our hotel room and made plans to head out to tour Chinatown. My girls were very excited, but for some unexplained reason, Cheryl protested and put up a fuss. She. did. not. want .to. go. She pitched a fit all weekend. No matter what I suggested she complained. Finally, in complete exasperation, I sat her down and implored her to tell me what was bothering her. She tearfully admitted that she had been to San Francisco a few months previously with her mother and her then boyfriend (they had just split up) and that we were ruining her memories of her time there with them. At the time I chalked it up to Cheryl’s immaturity, she was 9, and the fact that she was still missing her mom’s boyfriend, whom she really liked.

Cheryl is now almost 13 and it is time for her to learn how to work through these issues and know that her special times with people will  last forever. I understand Cheryl’s feelings. I get the whole conflicted, divided loyalty divorce thing. What I also understand is that it is our job as parents to shepherd our children through life, to guide and shape their behaviors. To teach them compassion, empathy and generosity. To recognize that the  hallmark of maturity is being able to let go of things, to move on and to above all, learn to see beyond your own perspective.

Cheryl, who was allowed and encouraged by her mother, to retreat into her self-indulgent world, lashed out at her sisters saying she didn’t want them to go on the trip because she was afraid they would complain about the place. (So what if they did?) She blamed them in advance for ruining her experience. Her mother, if she had chosen to take the high road, would have said to her daughter, “You go on that trip and you have a good time. Share your special place with your sisters, just like they have in the past with you. And if they complain, so what.” Instead, she supported her decision because “feelings are valid.”  Yes, feelings are valid, but are they right? Is it OK to be selfish? OK to be unable to identify and work through your feelings, regardless of whether or not they are “valid”?   In the end, she  deprived her own daughter of a wonderful vacation, and even more significantly, of an important life lesson. Too bad.

Yesterday marked the halfway point in my master’s degree program. I am ecstatic that I have made it this far. Whew! So far so good. I have done extremely well  and I am learning so much and loving every minute of it. Because it is a year round program, I don’t get much time off. I have a vacation this coming week and Paul and I are taking the kids down south to Huntington Beach to stay with Paul’s sister for a long July 4th weekend. We plan to check out some colleges for Sophia. The kids are all excited. It will be nice to get away and spend some family time together.

Paul and I are on a business trip in Reno, NV, a town that bills itself as the biggest little town …or… the smallest big town. I can’t remember. Something like that. Unlike their sister city, Las Vegas, also a gambling town, Reno has a more comfy, Wild West feel to it. (Note the Italian restaurant named Romanza. Is that a cross between romance and Bonanza??) It is closer to our home so we drove the five hour trip  past snow covered mountains through Truckee and Tahoe. We are here for a conference in which both Paul and I were guest speakers. More on that later. First I have to tell you about the hotel. If I were searching for words to describe it, ” tasteful” would not be one of them. However, this place is a riot and we are having a ball.

The casino, with its  tall ceiling, flashing neon lights and  popping sounds of slot machines can best be described as  walking through a life size pinball machine. That was the image that came to my mind. The Oceano Restaurant, complete with hanging jelly fish chandeliers has to be experienced in order to be fully appreciated.  The hotel room itself, however,  conjures an entirely different image. There is  a large Jacuzzi tub (for two)  in the center of the room with mirrors on the ceiling, naturally, and get this… there is a double strand of rope lighting  surrounding the perimeter of the ceiling that when lit up in the evening resembles an airport landing strip. Who designs these places I want to know? The trip was very successful but I am anxious to go home. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I miss my children.

One of the many swimming pools at Bellagio.

After my wonderful four days with the girls touring colleges, shopping and sightseeing  in San Luis Obispo and Santa Barbara, I headed home Tuesday night only to unpack and repack to head out to Las Vegas with Paul for a business conference. We stayed at the opulent, over-the- top hotel, Bellagio.

I had only been to Las Vegas once before, a year ago, which was also a work related trip. From a business perspective, the trips were both  huge successes. From a personal perspective, I have to say, Vegas is not my cup of tea. Or martini, or vodka tonic or whatever they drink in Sin City.

The town simply offends me on so many levels. I don’t know what bothers me the most, the manufactured ambiance, (fake oceans for instance), the cigar/cigarette smoke everywhere (Paul requested a non-smoking section in a restaurant and was informed there is no such thing.) the over-stimulating excess (re-touched posters of Cher) or the Frank Sinatra/Julio Iglesias/Celine Dion music blaring from the sound system.  Just in case you haven’t heard, Frank Sinatra was a member “the Rat Pack” and he and his buddies, Dean, Sammy and Joey, used to play a lot of gigs in Vegas. Lest we forget, his image and voice are everywhere. So are impersonators of Marilyn and Elvis. The best comparison I can make is to say  visiting this town is like sitting through a screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show … on steroids.

But I was never a party girl. I like dressing up for maybe an hour and then my feet hurt from the high heels and I want to kick them off, put on some sweats, crawl into a club chair and read a book. OK, so I’m boring. I missed my kids. We are already planning our next college tour.

One of the many issues blended families and stepchildren have to deal with is the conflict over divided loyalties. Our family is no exception.

Last week I told you  about our trip to San Luis Obispo and Santa Barbara to look at colleges for Sophia. We had a blast. I took all three girls, my two daughters,  Sophia and Eva, and my stepdaughter Cheryl. We planned the trip a few months ago and even went shopping  for new outfits; shorts, swimsuits, etc. just for the occasion. What I did not plan for was that we were going to be gone for Easter. I had gotten the dates mixed up and thought Easter was the following week, which meant that  I had actually planned the trip so that we would be gone for Easter.

A few days before we were to leave, Paul got a call from his ex-wife, Cheryl’s mother, saying that Cheryl had decided she did not want to  go because she would much rather stay home and hang out with her friends. She also informed Paul that Cheryl  was afraid to tell me herself for fear that I would be “mad at her”. Paul relayed the news to me, and  I did not buy it for one second. Not want to go because you want to hang out with your friends??? Come on. I knew there was more to the story, but I didn’t want to put on any pressure for fear that I would be characterized as one who “gets mad at things”. So I said nothing, even though I was concerned that Cheryl would be missing out on a great opportunity to visit colleges and that she would regret it. Quite frankly, I was a little pissed. I told Paul, “You should encourage her to go. This is a great opportunity. Seeing these college campuses will inspire her.” But he resisted my prodding, which only exacerbated the problem further. Our differing parenting styles often clash. When it comes to kids (and just about anything), I believe in getting to the bottom of things. Paul does not. He thinks we should let things flow “organically”.  “Don’t get involved and don’t imagine things,” he always tells me. So I kept my mouth shut and I didn’t say anything to Cheryl about not going.

The night before we were to leave Cheryl was sitting on the couch playing on her iPod and I asked her, “So, Cheryl, what are your plans for this weekend?” She replied, “I’m going on the trip with you.” This was news to me, but I did not let on. Instead I said, “Well let’s do your laundry and get you packed” While we were in the laundry room sorting through her clothes she admitted to me, ” I never not wanted to go. I just felt bad about being gone over Easter…” and her voice trailed off. I realized she felt guilty about leaving her parents. After all, I’m not her mother.  She had divided loyalties.

I called Cheryl’s mother to tell her Cheryl had had a change of heart and decided to go. She was surprised. If she was disappointed she didn’t let on. She had Easter plans with Cheryl, but to her credit, she did not object and respected Cheryl’s decision to come with us on the trip.  Cheryl and her mom celebrated Easter on Wednesday after we returned. Sometimes, that’s what you have to do in a blended family.

I mentioned last week that we were headed to Southern California for the three day Labor Day weekend. We took the kids out of school early and headed down south on what was probably  our 8th or 9th road trip as a family. We stayed with our friends who have a beautiful brand new home in Pacific Palisades, complete with a pool, a tropical garden and an enclosed patio decked out with a  wood burning barbecue and pizza oven. It was so relaxing. What made it more special is that the kids have gotten into a traveling groove and a routine. We’ve established our new family traditions. We always stop along the way to buy sunflower seeds, drinks, Skittles, Peppermint Patties and gum. The kids either play their IPods, invent car games or sleep on each other’s shoulders. They are at the age where there is very little whining and impatience. (Thank god. There’s a light at the end of the child-rearing tunnel and it’s not the train.)

Most of the time we relaxed in the pool and ate homemade pizza. Paul fulfilled his need to jump from high places by jumping off the roof of the house into the pool. (Another tradition). One day we went to the Malibu Beach  and Paul took the kids surfing. (No Mathew McConaughey sightings unfortunately.) Another day we went to Hollywood, saw the Hollywood sign, walked down the Walk Of Fame and visited Grauman’s Chinese theatre. Much to Mark’s supreme pleasure, we  drove down Sunset Boulevard  and passed the The Whiskey A Go Go, The Rainbow Bar and Grill and The Roxy. The kids got to experience all the things they’ve read about or heard about in songs and always wanted to see.

On the way home, Paul let Sophia drive on the freeway at 70 MILES AN HOUR! She doesn’t have her license yet, just her permit and I was white knuckle the whole time sitting in the back seat while Paul sat in the passenger seat calmly checking his email on his Blackberry. He taught her how to use the cruise control and to pass cars. She was delighted and quite proud of herself. It was another opportunity for them to bond.

We arrived home rested and relaxed (except for me who was still freaked out about the teen driving)  and ready to tackle the new school year.

Even though the kids have already started back to school, we still feel like Labor Day weekend is the final hurrah to summer. We are celebrating by taking the kids to L.A. to stay at our really cool pad down there. We plan to go to the beach and walk on the Santa Monica Pier. (If we’re lucky maybe we’ll run into Mathew McConaughey body surfing.) This trip will be a welcome change of pace and a brief respite from our busy, stressful and hectic lives. BUT HERE’S THE BIG NEWS: WE GOT INVITED TO STAY AT SOME ONE’S HOUSE. Yep, that’s right. All seven of us. This is a really big deal because aside from family, no one really invites us anywhere. (I can’t imagine why that is.) We are going to spend one night with one of our business clients who has become our friend. I’ll call him Tom and his wife, Kerry. They are lovely people. Very gregarious, generous and with a zest for life. Tom is a contractor and he  and his family just moved into a beautiful home that he built.  It is a big house with plenty of room for all of us. They have two young children whom our children have met before and they all really hit it off. This should be a lot of fun.