Yesterday marked the halfway point in my master’s degree program. I am ecstatic that I have made it this far. Whew! So far so good. I have done extremely well  and I am learning so much and loving every minute of it. Because it is a year round program, I don’t get much time off. I have a vacation this coming week and Paul and I are taking the kids down south to Huntington Beach to stay with Paul’s sister for a long July 4th weekend. We plan to check out some colleges for Sophia. The kids are all excited. It will be nice to get away and spend some family time together.

Paul and I are on a business trip in Reno, NV, a town that bills itself as the biggest little town …or… the smallest big town. I can’t remember. Something like that. Unlike their sister city, Las Vegas, also a gambling town, Reno has a more comfy, Wild West feel to it. (Note the Italian restaurant named Romanza. Is that a cross between romance and Bonanza??) It is closer to our home so we drove the five hour trip  past snow covered mountains through Truckee and Tahoe. We are here for a conference in which both Paul and I were guest speakers. More on that later. First I have to tell you about the hotel. If I were searching for words to describe it, ” tasteful” would not be one of them. However, this place is a riot and we are having a ball.

The casino, with its  tall ceiling, flashing neon lights and  popping sounds of slot machines can best be described as  walking through a life size pinball machine. That was the image that came to my mind. The Oceano Restaurant, complete with hanging jelly fish chandeliers has to be experienced in order to be fully appreciated.  The hotel room itself, however,  conjures an entirely different image. There is  a large Jacuzzi tub (for two)  in the center of the room with mirrors on the ceiling, naturally, and get this… there is a double strand of rope lighting  surrounding the perimeter of the ceiling that when lit up in the evening resembles an airport landing strip. Who designs these places I want to know? The trip was very successful but I am anxious to go home. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I miss my children.

One of the many swimming pools at Bellagio.

After my wonderful four days with the girls touring colleges, shopping and sightseeing  in San Luis Obispo and Santa Barbara, I headed home Tuesday night only to unpack and repack to head out to Las Vegas with Paul for a business conference. We stayed at the opulent, over-the- top hotel, Bellagio.

I had only been to Las Vegas once before, a year ago, which was also a work related trip. From a business perspective, the trips were both  huge successes. From a personal perspective, I have to say, Vegas is not my cup of tea. Or martini, or vodka tonic or whatever they drink in Sin City.

The town simply offends me on so many levels. I don’t know what bothers me the most, the manufactured ambiance, (fake oceans for instance), the cigar/cigarette smoke everywhere (Paul requested a non-smoking section in a restaurant and was informed there is no such thing.) the over-stimulating excess (re-touched posters of Cher) or the Frank Sinatra/Julio Iglesias/Celine Dion music blaring from the sound system.  Just in case you haven’t heard, Frank Sinatra was a member “the Rat Pack” and he and his buddies, Dean, Sammy and Joey, used to play a lot of gigs in Vegas. Lest we forget, his image and voice are everywhere. So are impersonators of Marilyn and Elvis. The best comparison I can make is to say  visiting this town is like sitting through a screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show … on steroids.

But I was never a party girl. I like dressing up for maybe an hour and then my feet hurt from the high heels and I want to kick them off, put on some sweats, crawl into a club chair and read a book. OK, so I’m boring. I missed my kids. We are already planning our next college tour.

One of the many issues blended families and stepchildren have to deal with is the conflict over divided loyalties. Our family is no exception.

Last week I told you  about our trip to San Luis Obispo and Santa Barbara to look at colleges for Sophia. We had a blast. I took all three girls, my two daughters,  Sophia and Eva, and my stepdaughter Cheryl. We planned the trip a few months ago and even went shopping  for new outfits; shorts, swimsuits, etc. just for the occasion. What I did not plan for was that we were going to be gone for Easter. I had gotten the dates mixed up and thought Easter was the following week, which meant that  I had actually planned the trip so that we would be gone for Easter.

A few days before we were to leave, Paul got a call from his ex-wife, Cheryl’s mother, saying that Cheryl had decided she did not want to  go because she would much rather stay home and hang out with her friends. She also informed Paul that Cheryl  was afraid to tell me herself for fear that I would be “mad at her”. Paul relayed the news to me, and  I did not buy it for one second. Not want to go because you want to hang out with your friends??? Come on. I knew there was more to the story, but I didn’t want to put on any pressure for fear that I would be characterized as one who “gets mad at things”. So I said nothing, even though I was concerned that Cheryl would be missing out on a great opportunity to visit colleges and that she would regret it. Quite frankly, I was a little pissed. I told Paul, “You should encourage her to go. This is a great opportunity. Seeing these college campuses will inspire her.” But he resisted my prodding, which only exacerbated the problem further. Our differing parenting styles often clash. When it comes to kids (and just about anything), I believe in getting to the bottom of things. Paul does not. He thinks we should let things flow “organically”.  “Don’t get involved and don’t imagine things,” he always tells me. So I kept my mouth shut and I didn’t say anything to Cheryl about not going.

The night before we were to leave Cheryl was sitting on the couch playing on her iPod and I asked her, “So, Cheryl, what are your plans for this weekend?” She replied, “I’m going on the trip with you.” This was news to me, but I did not let on. Instead I said, “Well let’s do your laundry and get you packed” While we were in the laundry room sorting through her clothes she admitted to me, ” I never not wanted to go. I just felt bad about being gone over Easter…” and her voice trailed off. I realized she felt guilty about leaving her parents. After all, I’m not her mother.  She had divided loyalties.

I called Cheryl’s mother to tell her Cheryl had had a change of heart and decided to go. She was surprised. If she was disappointed she didn’t let on. She had Easter plans with Cheryl, but to her credit, she did not object and respected Cheryl’s decision to come with us on the trip.  Cheryl and her mom celebrated Easter on Wednesday after we returned. Sometimes, that’s what you have to do in a blended family.

I mentioned last week that we were headed to Southern California for the three day Labor Day weekend. We took the kids out of school early and headed down south on what was probably  our 8th or 9th road trip as a family. We stayed with our friends who have a beautiful brand new home in Pacific Palisades, complete with a pool, a tropical garden and an enclosed patio decked out with a  wood burning barbecue and pizza oven. It was so relaxing. What made it more special is that the kids have gotten into a traveling groove and a routine. We’ve established our new family traditions. We always stop along the way to buy sunflower seeds, drinks, Skittles, Peppermint Patties and gum. The kids either play their IPods, invent car games or sleep on each other’s shoulders. They are at the age where there is very little whining and impatience. (Thank god. There’s a light at the end of the child-rearing tunnel and it’s not the train.)

Most of the time we relaxed in the pool and ate homemade pizza. Paul fulfilled his need to jump from high places by jumping off the roof of the house into the pool. (Another tradition). One day we went to the Malibu Beach  and Paul took the kids surfing. (No Mathew McConaughey sightings unfortunately.) Another day we went to Hollywood, saw the Hollywood sign, walked down the Walk Of Fame and visited Grauman’s Chinese theatre. Much to Mark’s supreme pleasure, we  drove down Sunset Boulevard  and passed the The Whiskey A Go Go, The Rainbow Bar and Grill and The Roxy. The kids got to experience all the things they’ve read about or heard about in songs and always wanted to see.

On the way home, Paul let Sophia drive on the freeway at 70 MILES AN HOUR! She doesn’t have her license yet, just her permit and I was white knuckle the whole time sitting in the back seat while Paul sat in the passenger seat calmly checking his email on his Blackberry. He taught her how to use the cruise control and to pass cars. She was delighted and quite proud of herself. It was another opportunity for them to bond.

We arrived home rested and relaxed (except for me who was still freaked out about the teen driving)  and ready to tackle the new school year.

Even though the kids have already started back to school, we still feel like Labor Day weekend is the final hurrah to summer. We are celebrating by taking the kids to L.A. to stay at our really cool pad down there. We plan to go to the beach and walk on the Santa Monica Pier. (If we’re lucky maybe we’ll run into Mathew McConaughey body surfing.) This trip will be a welcome change of pace and a brief respite from our busy, stressful and hectic lives. BUT HERE’S THE BIG NEWS: WE GOT INVITED TO STAY AT SOME ONE’S HOUSE. Yep, that’s right. All seven of us. This is a really big deal because aside from family, no one really invites us anywhere. (I can’t imagine why that is.) We are going to spend one night with one of our business clients who has become our friend. I’ll call him Tom and his wife, Kerry. They are lovely people. Very gregarious, generous and with a zest for life. Tom is a contractor and he  and his family just moved into a beautiful home that he built.  It is a big house with plenty of room for all of us. They have two young children whom our children have met before and they all really hit it off. This should be a lot of fun.

While I was away for two weeks  on my fab east coast trip, I missed Paul terribly. (Actually I only missed him a little bit, but in case he reads this I have to say I missed him achingly baaad.) Seriously, I did wish he could be with us to share in all the fun and great experiences we were having. Everywhere we went I thought of him and since I couldn’t always call him I would send him photos with text messages from my phone. I sent all kinds of things, sights we were seeing (the photo here is of the armor exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art), the kids sleeping in the airport lounge and pictures of family we were visiting. Paul told me this really helped him stay connected with us and in some way be a part of our trip.

The advent of the cell phone has done a lot for the communication in a blended family. I don’t know how we ever lived without it. On the weeks that our kids are at their other parents’ houses, they are constantly texting each other and sending photos so they can stay in touch. One day when Sophia was here at our house she observed Paul’s kids’ cats sleeping with their paws wrapped around each other. She thought it was really cute so she took a photo with her phone and sent it to them. They really appreciated that. That was Sophia’s way of saying, “I’m thinking of you and I don’t want you to miss this.”

On the last night of our trip fantastic, after a day spent at The Ocean City water park (and no, I did not pee in the pool) we had a feast of corn on the cob, grilled vegetables and the star attraction– hard shelled crabs. Maryland blue claw crabs are to the mid-Atlantic states what wild salmon is to Alaska and grits are to the South. They can be flown in, but there is nothing quite like stopping by a road side fish stand and picking them out of a bushel while they are still alive and kicking. The next best thing is catching them yourself which we often did on our summer camping trips on the east coast.

As with everything else on this trip, I wanted to share this experience with my children and I have to say they did not recoil in disgust as I feared they might.  First I taught them how to hold a live crab so that it would not bite them. (I consider this one of my special talents and part of my charm.) Then my brother-in-law, who did the cooking, showed them how to steam them in a large pot filled with some water, beer and Old Bay seasoning. The sauce was later poured over pasta and enjoyed along with the crabs. The final lesson was showing them how to break open the crabs to get the meat out. This they found to be a fun, albeit, messy challenge. And they loved the crabs. It was a perfect sendoff to a perfect trip.

We are now spending the final part of our trip with my sister Pam at her lovely home in Vineland, New Jersey. She and her husband John live in the middle of a farm surrounded by acres and acres of beautiful fields planted with lettuce, cilantro, corn, cabbage and beefsteak tomatoes; the latter of which New Jersey is famous for. We arrived last Saturday night . Sunday it rained and we sat on her wraparound porch and watched the lighting streak across the sky and listened to the thunder rumble. We get very few thunder and lighting storms in California so this was a novel experience for the kids.

Monday we drove thirty miles south to go to the beach in Ocean City, New Jersey. When we were kids we used to take day trips from our home in suburban Philadelphia to the beach. My parents would pile all five of us kids and a cooler full of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches into the paneled station wagon (which my father had embarrassingly decorated with flower power stickers) for the 90 minute drive to “the shore”, which my sister Pam referred to as “Ocean Ditty New Dirty.” We spent the whole day in the sun by the water’s edge building sand castles, collecting sea shells and searching for sand crabs. The water was usually refreshingly crisp and we  could body surf for hours. The highlight of the day was when the Good Humor man would come by with a cooler slung over his shoulder calling out in a very distinctive drawn out voice of a game show announcer, ” Ice… cream… sandwiches….creamsicles…. water ice….fudgie…….wudgies….”

These are the things I wanted to share with my children and they enjoyed them as much as I did, even though they were reluctant to let on because as you know they are teenagers and find everything I say and do embarrassing. OK, so maybe they are a little old to get excited about sand crabs. Still… my memories are now their memories too.

The fourth leg of our trip was spent in Central New Jersey in a town called Middlesex which is where Jared, my ex-husband’s father, Tony lives. My late mother-in-law, whom I adored, passed away about four years ago. She was a lovely woman and a doting grandma. This was my first trip to their house in seven years, which was right around the time Jared and I separated. I had seen both of my in-laws five years ago when they came to my mother’s funeral, but I did not visit their house and it has been years since I had seen Jared’s siblings. My girls were really anxious to see their grandpa so I called him a few months ago when I was planning this trip to see if we could spend a few days with him. I told him I was also bringing my stepchildren with me and he was very receptive to meeting them. He assured me he had plenty of room for all of us.

I really lucked out in the in-law department. They always treated me like a daughter and when Jared and I divorced, my mother-in-law told me, “You’re still one  of us. ” I miss my mother-in-law terribly. She died 10 months after my mother died and I was totally unprepared. She was only 72 and her death was unexpected. I wondered how I would feel walking into her house with her not there. I did not go to her funeral because she died in September just when the kids were starting school, and because of that I never felt like I had closure. Read the rest of this entry »