Yesterday was Sam’s 19th birthday and we all went out to dinner to celebrate. My girls, Eva and Sophia, were at their dad’s and did not attend, but Paul’s kids, along with Susie, his ex-wife, met up at a wonderful Chinese restaurant in Capitola called Canton’s. I highly recommend it.

It was a pleasant evening. We each had assigned jobs to order various courses, ( mine was appetizers) but desert was the usual fortune cookie. Sam went first to read aloud his fortune, but before he did he said, “I think I got Dad and Carol”s.” (Carol is me, those of you who don’t know.) It said: “You will be very happy with your spouse.”

“What a nice thing to say”, I thought, not only because he could recognize that his father and I are happy, but because he acknowledged my existence in the first place. You see, Sam and I have a very turbulent past, so to speak. There are times when he looks at me with such disdain I swear he hates me. If I had to list all the mistakes I made as a step mother,  most would  begin with Sam.

When I first entered Sam’s life he was coasting along just fine without me. Both of his parents worked outside the home and there I was working from home and therefore able to observe him not doing his homework, eating crap and playing too many video games. I felt it was my role to correct his behavior and made it my mission to do so. In hindsight, this was not such a great idea. It not only back fired in my face, it bred resentment. I hope someday Sam will look back on my “interference” as caring rather than an annoyance. Only time will tell. If I had to do it all over again I would simply leave his parenting up to his parents and stay out of it. I set myself up to be the bad guy, even though I was well intentioned. Perhaps Sam’s acknowledgement that I was  good for his father was the first nod in my favor. Maybe I am making way too much of this, but sometimes I just have to take what I can get.

We had a bit of drama at the Shwanda house last week. My daughter Sophia and my husband Paul got into a big argument on Tuesday night over something as innocuous as the TV (he wanted to watch the Olympics and she wanted to watch a reality show) and she just had a hissy fit. She stormed out of the great room, starting slamming things around, claimed she ” JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!” packed her bags and drove across town to go live with her father.  It was not her finest moment and it wasn’t mine either. She screamed some expletives at her step father, which she later came to regret, and I allowed myself to get caught in the middle when I should have been backing up my hubby. I got defensive. I let my “I’m-so-sorry-for-getting-divorced-and-remarried-and-making-you-move-guilt” get in the way of reason. Read the rest of this entry »

I’m starting a new blog called Stepmoms Talk that I want to be a starting and on-going resource for stepmoms. There are lots of us out there and we all come from different perspectives and stepmom situations. Some of us have kids of our own, some don’t  and then have some or don’t. Some have ex-wives to deal with and some don’t, but we all have one thing in common and that is we are helping to raise our husband’s/spouse’s/parrtner’s children and we want to do it right. I am looking specifically for stepmom bloggers to be panelists on weekly videos, kind of like momversation, and every week there will be a topic for discussion that runs the gamut of our collective experiences. It will definitely have a positive tone because we are here to help people offering inspiration, advice and constructive criticism only. If  you are interested, please contact me at carol@shwanda.com.

The best part of the homemade dollhouse  project was that it was made in our art studio. Paul built it for me when we got married. It was a place for me to do my writing and seaweed art, but also a free space for the children to invent, create and make messes. We work on art projects, make candles, sew, have my Just Imaginate craft classes. It’s a fun room. When we lived at our old house, my girls had a play house that their father had built for them. They missed it terribly. This special room is for all of us and I love enjoying it with them. The photos below are of our studio.

art studio entrance

art studio interior

another view

I kept hoping this year’s Christmas would go off without a hitch. I really thought that we had finally worked out all the kinks. But no. There always seems to be something or someone who screws up the works.

As you might expect, blended family holidays, particularly Christmas, can be fraught with thwarted expectations and nostalgic remembrances of how things used to be when mom and dad were still married. Every family has its own traditions and blending them and finding a common ground is the hardest to do this time of year.

When I was a single mom my two girls always spent Christmas eve and woke up Christmas morning at my house. My ex would come over in time to watch them open their presents and we would all have breakfast and play with the new toys. There was no stress or drama and everyone was happy.

Things were a little different for Paul. When he was a single dad his kids spent Christmas eve at their mom’s and woke up Christmas morning at her house and he stayed at home alone. He didn’t get invited to go over to her house and he did not get to share in the joy of Christmas morning with his children. They would come to his house later in the afternoon, but it just wasn’t the same. Two years ago Paul decided he wanted this to change and told his ex he wanted his turn having the kids wake up Christmas morning with him. She was not happy about it, but went along with it when they decided they would alternate the holiday every year. I, in turn, made the same arrangement with my ex giving him his turn to have the kids on Christmas morning. (Are you keeping up? I know, it’s exhausting keeping track.)

This year was supposed to be our turn to have the kids wake up here on Christmas morning, but apparently Paul’s ex “forgot” and went ahead and make plans (without consulting us)  to go out of town on Christmas day with her boyfriend so she has to have the kids on Christmas eve and Christmas morning. She promised that next year we could have the kids. We went along with her request seein’s how she was going to bring the kids over at 10am on Christmas morning anyway, but here’s the wrinkle. My kids are still waking up here with us and when they get up they want to go to the tree and open their presents right away. They don’t want to have to wait until 10am when Paul’s kids come over, which is what Cheryl is insisting that we do. She accused Sophia of being rude for not waiting for them to come over so they can open presents as a family. While I appreciate Cheryl’s logic, I don’t think she is looking at the big picture. When she wakes up at her mom’s is she going to have to wait to open her presents? No. She was very insistent and would not listen to reason. This made all three girls cry. Sophia resented being called rude as well as the demands dictating how she spend her Christmas morning. Eva, who is very self-sacrificing and is  willing to wait until Paul’s kids came over, was upset that there was a conflict and said, “Why does everything have to be so hard?”  My sentiments exactly. Why does it have to be so hard? I’m weary. I’m weary of having to constantly negotiate, mediate and compromise. Dealing with the kids is one thing, but having to also accomodate  the demands of the ex-spouse is  frustrating and exhausting.

I tried to smooth things over the best I could and promised my girls I would talk to Paul when he came home to explain the situation so he could reason with Cheryl. I also suggested a compromise, “How about you open just a few presents” but neither side would budge. When I told Paul the whole story he backed me up and said he would talk to Cheryl.  (He hasn’t had a chance to do this yet because the kids went to their other parents’ on Friday.) Knowing this made my girls feel better. Still, I am dreading another confrontation. It makes me very sad.  I hope we can get past this and still enjoy our Christmas.

In the meantime, I did try to get Sophia to put things in perspective. Waiting to have to open your presents is better than not having presents to open. And Cheryl’s demands that she wait are borne of her own need to feel included and to not be left out.  After all, we are a family and families open their presents together. A conundrum that will take the wisdom of Solomon to solve. If you readers have any suggestions, thoughts or comments  I would love to hear them.

This morning while I was cooking breakfast and packing lunches, I  reflected back on my life and thought of all the jobs and skills I have learned over the years that have prepared me for my current role of mom/stepmom to five children. I was once a waitress, a bartender, a cashier, a hotel laundress and a chambermaid. One job I never held was that of a short order cook. BUT I AM  ONE NOW. I’m also a taxi driver (although not so much now that the three oldest are driving), family therapist (lots of territory covered there), event and party planner, tutor, personal shopper and accountant. Oh,  I almost forgot: and cheerleader too. Read the rest of this entry »

Mark and Sophia are both driving now and have cars at their disposal. As I’ve mentioned before, this is not only liberating to them, but to us their parents because we no longer have to chauffeur them around and they can drive their siblings around as well. The other component to this whole new teen driving development is that it decreases our (mine and Paul’s) interaction with our ex-spouses. This level of independence for the kids means less contact for us with “the other parent”. The kids can still see all their parents as much as they want now that they have wheels, but we see less of the exes because they are not coming over for drop offs and pick ups.  There’s no more cell phone calls from the driving way as in , “I’m here now get out here.” Whether you have a reasonably friendly relationship with your former spouse, or a less than civil  contentious or acrimonious one with your previous partner, this new freedom can be a godsend. It means you are moving forward and leaving behind your  previously married life. What a relief.

The other benefit is the kids can see their other parents more. Even though we have set custody arrangements, mine and Jared (my ex) have about a 70/30 split and Paul and Susie are about 50/50, we have always had an open door policy. We were all flexible. If a parent was  traveling  on business or holiday or just wanted extra time with the kids no one objected or complained. But… we had to make arrangements for transportation. Now we don’t have to. For instance, two weekends ago I asked my girls to come over to help me with a project while they were spending the weekend with their dad. They stopped by for a few hours (after a trip to Starbucks) and then went back to their dad’s. This weekend is the Lighted Boat Parade in Santa Cruz and even though it is mine and Paul’s  kid free weekend, our teen drivers will be bringing their siblings by if they want to come with us. Now everyone has the best of both worlds.

Joel Schwartzberg, my newfound cyber friend  is a divorced dad who is  remarried to a woman who by virtue of  her marriage to him, is now a stepmom. He has written a book The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad which I plan to read and review later this week. In the meantime, check out his essay titled What Remarried Dads Owe Their Stepmom Wives that appeared this week on the Huffington Post. If you have ever thought, “Oh my god, what have I gotten myself into?” by all means, read this post. I  have to say his words of wisdom and insight came to me at a time when I needed them the most.

Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Marine, the mom and stepmom duo who cowrote the book No One’s the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for the Mother and Stepmother Relationship about how they overcame the often contentious and adversarial relationships moms and stepmoms face, will be on Dr. Phil tomorrow so tune in. We are all cheering for them. Way to go Jennifer and Carol. I believe Jennifer’s ex, Carol’s husband is also on the show. Should be interesting. I told my daughter to get a ride to soccer practice so I can stay home to watch it.

Often times I feel like my life is one big negotiation. Every day I seem to be holding my cards close to the vest deciding which ones to play, when to bluff and when to fold. For instance,  yesterday morning Paul went out the front door to get the paper and banged himself in the nose with the door because I had left the chain on, he didn’t realize it and slammed the door in his face. Ouch. At dinner last night he asked me, “When you lock the front door, could please not put the chain on?” My response was that I always put the chain on, especially when he is out of town. It makes me feel safe. It is a habit I got into when I was a single mother. And then I thought, “Why do I have to change? Why can’t you just remember that I do this, check before opening the door and this way you won’t bonk your forehead again? ” You’d think if he did this once he’d remember.

He conceded. I won that battle. Just as I sort of did over the issue of the area rug in front of the kitchen sink. I don’t like area rugs because I always trip over them and I see them as just one more thing that I have to clean. But Paul was insistent that we have one so we got one and when it wore out, I threw it out. He keeps asking me when I am going to replace it and I tell him I haven’t found any that I like. But the truth is, that rug is never coming back.

Now I’ve made my share of compromises too in the cohabitation department. Or have I? Let me think for a moment. Yes. Actually it is more on the tolerance level. For instance, I have learned to overlook his toothpaste spit on the bathroom towels, the crumbs he leaves behind on the dining room table and the sunflower seeds I find all over my car. (Oh and I can’t forget the lint from his pants pockets that always ends up on my dresser.) These are things that I have learned to overlook because as an adult, I know in the big picture, they are not that important. But through the eyes of a child, they are HUGE.

I’ll never forget when we were first contemplating the move Eva asked me, “Are we going to smell like them?” Smell like them??? She went on to explain that every family smells differently. We figured it was mostly because of the bath soap and laundry detergent they used combined  with various food smells. Eva was insistent that she did not want to smell like them. And I assured her we would still smell like ourselves.

What it all comes down to in a kid’s mind, and often in an adult’s mind, is: Who has the power and the control? Just as I wondered last night  to Paul, “Why do I have to change? Why can’t you just remember to take the chain off before you open the door?” My sense of autonomy was impugned. I didn’t want to be challenged on something so trivial to him that was so important to me. And he took it like a man and let me have my way because he knew that my sense of security was worth the risk of him hitting himself in the nose with the door.

I continue to hope that I am modeling to my children the life skills they will need to become thoughtful, considerate adults so that they not only learn  how to assert themselves  for the issues that are most important to them, but  also see things through other people’s  perspective.  It’s called negotiation. It’s called Democracy. It doesn’t always seem fair, but sometimes you just have to compromise. Even if it means smelling (just a little) like them.