If you moms and stepmoms are looking for a great holiday gift for all the dads and stepdads in your life, I highly recommend a wonderfully hilarious and warm hearted book I just finished reading: The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad by Joel Schwartzberg. It it a series of essays that are essentially slices of the life of a divorced dad with three children. When Joel asked me to review the book I was eager to see the subject of divorce and single parenting through  a man’s perspective and I was surprised that in many instances it was not that different from my own. Like Joel, I too worried that I had the “divorced” label tattooed to my head when I dropped off and picked up my kids from school alone. And then there’s  the dreaded back-to-school night.  I could really identify with his experiences and I found myself routing for him as he rebuilt his life, forged stronger bonds with his three children, established new family traditions and eventually found  love again with his second wife, Anne. Joel’s self-deprecating and insightful humor reminded me a lot of another of my favorite “dad” authors, Dave Barry, which only goes to show you that being divorced doesn’t stop you from being a great parent. Kudos to Joel Schwartzberg for not only penning a delightful book, but for being a terrific dad as well. To read more about Joel click here.

Mark and Sophia are both driving now and have cars at their disposal. As I’ve mentioned before, this is not only liberating to them, but to us their parents because we no longer have to chauffeur them around and they can drive their siblings around as well. The other component to this whole new teen driving development is that it decreases our (mine and Paul’s) interaction with our ex-spouses. This level of independence for the kids means less contact for us with “the other parent”. The kids can still see all their parents as much as they want now that they have wheels, but we see less of the exes because they are not coming over for drop offs and pick ups.  There’s no more cell phone calls from the driving way as in , “I’m here now get out here.” Whether you have a reasonably friendly relationship with your former spouse, or a less than civil  contentious or acrimonious one with your previous partner, this new freedom can be a godsend. It means you are moving forward and leaving behind your  previously married life. What a relief.

The other benefit is the kids can see their other parents more. Even though we have set custody arrangements, mine and Jared (my ex) have about a 70/30 split and Paul and Susie are about 50/50, we have always had an open door policy. We were all flexible. If a parent was  traveling  on business or holiday or just wanted extra time with the kids no one objected or complained. But… we had to make arrangements for transportation. Now we don’t have to. For instance, two weekends ago I asked my girls to come over to help me with a project while they were spending the weekend with their dad. They stopped by for a few hours (after a trip to Starbucks) and then went back to their dad’s. This weekend is the Lighted Boat Parade in Santa Cruz and even though it is mine and Paul’s  kid free weekend, our teen drivers will be bringing their siblings by if they want to come with us. Now everyone has the best of both worlds.

These past few days Eva has had her friends over for various activities. There was the soccer party on Saturday and then on Sunday I taught a craft class in my art studio for a bunch of Eva’s friends. On both occasions I got to eavesdrop on the girls’ conversations as if I were a fly on the wall and they had forgotten that I was there. I learned all about the girls who dress like sluts, how much they like/hate school. How much they like/hate boys. And how much they like/hate just about everything else. And of course, they all love Zak Efron and some other music CD that Eva says she will love for all of eternity. (I can’t remember that one.)

Most of this talk I kind of tune out as adolescent chatter and let go in one ear and out  the other. ( I do, however, draw the line when I hear mean things said about other girls. I don’t care  how slutty they dress.) My ears perked up though when I heard Eva’s friends gushing over how much they liked our house. “You’re sooo lucky. You’ve got such a cool room. I wish I had a trampoline. Wow, what a cool art studio!”  Eva’s friends oohed and awed as they walked through the house.

And it’s true. Thanks to my handy engineer do-it-yourself husband with his passion for renovation, we do have an awesome house. There’s a gigantic great room with a large wall for projecting movies. An outdoor fireplace, a carport/game room complete with ping pong table and pool table, a hot tub, a trampoline and a separate art/craft studio (with radiant floor heating) that my husband built for me when we got married. Do my kids appreciate any of this? Not to my knowledge.

You see, I had to drag them kicking and screaming into this house. They. Did. Not. Want. To. Move. Period. The divorce was no where near as upsetting as the trauma of the remarriage and subsequent move. They missed their old house. We were a family there. Their dad had built them a play house in the back yard and they had chosen the colors for their rooms. They mourned the loss of what used to be and romanticized something that was never really that great. Mommy and Daddy weren’t very happy there. The standing water under the house made it moldy, the pastel pink that looked great on the paint chips looked like Pepto- Bismol on the walls,  and they never actually played in the play house because it was too hot and too small. Can I tell them that? Nope.

I think, I hope, that Eva got a different perspective when she heard how much her friends envied her. Sometimes that’s all it takes, a different point of view to make you realize just how lucky you are.

As a followup to my most recent post, One or none, I wanted to share with you an article I wrote for the Examiner titled Blended family discipline.

Want to be on Dr. Phil with AND improve your relationship with the mom or stepmom in your life?

Jennifer Newcombe Marine and Carol Marine, the mom and stepmom duo who wrote No One’s the Bitch have the opportunity to be on Dr. Phil and they are looking for a mom and stepmom  who can’t stand each other, but who are willing to be on the show next week, Tuesday, Nov. 3rd. For more information click on their website No One’s the Bitch or email Jennifer at marine2marine@gmail.com.

Today is the 20th anniversary of the Loma Prieta Earthquake that decimated the South Bay area, including downtown Santa Cruz, where we now live. When most people think  of the quake they don’t realize that the epicenter was in Santa Cruz and not in San Francisco, where most of the media attention was drawn. I read the coverage in the Santa Cruz Sentinel this morning and it was very moving. Reading stories about people who died, people who risked their own lives saving others and the general sense of the community rallying around each other, brought tears to my eyes.

We were not living in Santa Cruz then. Jared, my ex and I had just moved into our apartment in Bayonne, NJ. Our wedding was in a week and a half. We would have been married 20 years this month. Oddly, I always associate the Loma Prieta Earthquake with the year we got married. We had just finished unpacking some boxes when we sat down to a late dinner to watch the San Francisco Giants in the World Series. And then  there was a commotion. The camera started shaking and people were screaming and then the TV screen went black. Local newscasters came on to say that there had been an earthquake.

We had no idea that in three years we would move to the very town that was the epicenter of the quake.  Although we never experienced the quake first hand, we heard lots of stories. Some of which were actually kind of funny, in an ironic sort of way. One friend of mine, a videographer for a local company, had just organized and categorized his collection of videos. It had taken him weeks to complete the task. He had just finished and proudly announced his accomplishment to his co-workers when the walls started shaking and everything came crashing down, videos strewn all over the room. Now that’s funny. And then there were the fateful stories of chance and good fortune.  Like the friend who told me she left work early that day and had she not, she most likely would have been killed because the desk where she sat had been crushed by a chandelier from the ceiling above.

Everyone has a story. Mine is that I was watching the Giant’s game on TV in New Jersey with my then fiance.  Which brings me to the point I am leading up to here which is — this month marks the 20th anniversary of The Loma Prieta quake. It also means that if Jared and I were still married we would be celebrating our 20th anniversary. It would have been a milestone for sure and I wonder how many milestones Paul and I will reach. We’ll probably make it to 20 years together barring any unforseen tragedy or illness. We’re young enough. But will we make it 30? 40? And unless we live to our 90′s, we will not see our golden anniversary, like my parents who were married 53 years. That’s a hard point for me to reconcile sometimes. Paul and I don’t have much of a past together, but we hope for a long future together. But knowing what we both know about the twists and turns life can take us, nothing is certain or forever. Like the stories I read in the paper this morning from people who recalled this day 20 years ago when they were sitting in a coffee shop and 15 seconds later, it was gone. A pile of rubble. Many things in life are temporary, so live in the moment and enjoy life while you can.

I caught Paul’s cold and I’m miserable. Last night my tonsils felt like they were bursting out of my throat. Some people actually welcome the opportunity to stay in bed with a box of tissues watching I Love Lucy reruns (which is what I did as a kid and what I did last night), but I don’t. As an adult with kids I dreaded getting sick because I always had to take care of the kids by myself. My family was on the opposite coast and my first husband was a work-a-holic who was never home. I can remember having swollen glands and a temperature of 103 with an infant and a toddler and still he would work until 11PM. It was awful.

That was then. This is now, and Paul is sooooo much different. When I’m sick, not only does he act and look concerned, he actually takes care of me.  He cooks dinner. He makes me tea and he will go to the store and buy me soup if I asked him to. What a guy. What a difference. I shouldn’t bash my ex because he was going through his own sexual identity turmoil, but I didn’t know that a the time.

I feel much better today not only because I am tanked up on Sudafed and Tylenol, but because my hubby is in town and I have the comfort of knowing that  when he gets home tonight he will make dinner, clean up the kitchen  and bring me tea.

These articles on Divorce are by Vanessa Van Petten, youthologist and teen author of the parenting book “You’re Grounded!” She manages RadicalParenting.com, a parenting blog written by 60 teen writers, ages 12-20 to help parents and adults get a honest and open view into the world and mind of youth. Van Petten’s articles on her parent’s divorce have been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Teen Vogue, CNN, Fox News, CBS Miami and much more!
http://www.RadicalParenting.com

 4 Tips for Parents Dealing With Shared Custody
Divorce is difficult enough as it is, here are tips to make the back-and-forth of shared custody less painful.

Best Resources for Divorced and Separated Families I put together a comprehensive resource guide for all parents who are going through, have gone through or experienced divorce.  My teens and I reviewed books, websites, podcasts and blogs.

6 Unique Strategies for Divorced Families Here I give some new and unheard of tips for divorced and single parents.

4 Everyday Tips From A Child of Divorce
Here I talk about my experiences growing up in a divorced family and what parents can do to make their kids lives a little bit easier.

The 16 days that I was away from my husband while on vacation with the kids gave him an opportunity to realize just what an indulged, pampered, doted on man he is. I’m not kidding. He’s spoiled and he knows it. Because Paul works so hard both at the office and at home (working on our never ending house projects), I have tried to make his life as comfortable as possible by basically waiting on him hand and foot. I make him a hot breakfast every morning, pack him a hearty, tasty lunch every day and serve up a gourmet home cooked meal most every night. I also buy all of his clothes and do all of his laundry. In addition I  am  his sounding board for him to clear his head and blow off steam over the day’s events, usually work related problems, which he  shares  with me while I am giving him a full body massage. So you can just imagine how much he missed me.

Ours is a relationship that is very close. The saying that love is better the second time around is especially true for us because we appreciate each other so much more. We’ve been through divorce. We know what the dark side of relationships can be like so we really cherish each other. So when I was reunited with my darling husband, I pulled out all the stops. Steak and eggs for breakfast, meat stuffed sandwiches for lunch and this dinner below that I just kind of whipped up that Paul said was the best meal he has ever eaten. I’m going to call it:

GETTING REACQUAINTED CHICKEN

Ingredients are approximate.

1 lb. chicken cutlets pounded to 1/4 inch thickness

flour for dredging

2 cups assorted mushrooms (I used a mixture of wood ear, shitake and porchini.)

2 shallots chopped

1 heaping T of capers

8 oz. creme fraiche

1/4 cup stoneground mustard

good quality olive oil (I used lemon infused from my friend at Coeur d’Olive.)

Dredge the chicken cutlets in flour and saute in pan in olive oil until browned on both sides and cooked through. Set aside on warm platter.  Saute mushrooms and shallots in same pan until browned and a little crispy. Remove and place on same platter as chicken. Over low heat, place creme fraiche and mustard in pan and whisk until smooth. Add chicken and mushroom and onion mixture, coat chicken with mixture, toss in the capers and  cover and let steam for 5-10 minutes and serve with pasta and crusty bread. The sauce is great on pasta. We had two types of ravioli. One kind  filled with the porcini mushrooms and the other with asparagus. Delish. Pair with a dry/fruity white wine.

Yesterday I wrote about my feelings about Sam graduating from high school. I was surprised by what I wrote because it was not what I set out to write. I wanted to share with you the events at the graduation and party afterward because a lot could have gone wrong considering the circumstances and our blended family dynamic.

We decided a month ago that we would have Sam’s party at our house. I told Susie, Paul’s ex that we would host the party and she told me she would bring the cake and drinks and that her boyfriend would attend the party along with her parents. HER PARENTS??? HER PARENTS???? I was surprised that they were attending because in the four years that I have known Paul I have never met them. They only live a four hour drive away, but they rarely visit. In fact Paul said that in the 12 years he was married to Susie, they only visited twice. Paul has always had a strained relationship with them and  has not seen or had any contact with his ex in-laws in over five years, since his divorce from Susie.

Well, what to expect. I have to admit I was dying of curiosity. Paul is a gentleman on every level so I knew there would be no fireworks from him. He would be civil and gracious and avoid conflict at all costs. But what about the grand parents? How would they behave? I was a tad nervous. I didn’t want anything to spoil Sam’s day and I was determined to be sure that he had the best graduation party ever. So I decided that I would pretend that I had no inside story or preconceived notions about Susie’s parents and I treated them just like I would any other guests in my home.

We met them  in the parking lot where the graduation was to take place. I could see the look on Susie’s mom’s face when she saw Paul. It was definitely strained. She greeted Paul with a handshake and said a terse “hello” to me. Once we got our seats on the bleachers (we sat at opposite ends) there was no interaction. I knew that it wasn’t until we got back to the house that we would see how the evening was going  to play out.

I was in the kitchen when they arrived. Now keep in mind, our house used to be Paul and Susie’s house.  We’ve remodeled it extensively so it looks a lot different, but still, to them it was once the home of their daughter. It must have been difficult for them. They came through the portico door and I went over to greet them. I said, “Thank you so much for coming. Welcome to our home.”  I think that warm gesture broke the ice and set the tone for the evening. Susie’s mom asked if she could help in the kitchen so I gave her some jobs to do. The act of all of us preparing the meal together really relaxed everyone.   I asked her about her teaching career.  I told her how much I loved her grandchildren and how grateful I was to have them in my life. We looked through the kids’ yearbooks.  I showed her the treasure box and checker board Mark made in wood shop. I gave her a bottle of my friend Les’ olive oil. Later,  we sat outside by the fire and drank a champagne toast to Sam.

When it was time for them to leave, Susie’s mom threw her arms around me. I looked her in the eyes and said to her, “I know this must not have been easy for you.” She replied, ” You made it easy.”