We planned to mark the occasion by leaving the kids home alone and sneaking out after dinner to “reenact” our first date. But… that didn’t pan out. Instead I had a headache and homework to do and Paul, being the absolute doll that he is, sensed my bad mood and in his usual caring, loving way,  alleviated my stress by  offering  to pick up takeout. He came home with several dishes from my favorite local Asian restaurant and a bottle of Windy Oaks pinot noir, the winery where we got married. We stayed home and lit a fire.

While he was out picking up our dinner, I routed through some files and found copies of our original email exchanges I had printed out, which I read to him later when we were alone. It reminded me of why I fell in love with him, why I still love him and I shuddered at the thought that I almost never wrote back to him in the first place. Below is a quote in its entirety  of the very first email he  sent to me exactly as he wrote it.

“I read your profile iand see yours yours. Seems like parallel paths, but a few miles apart within Santa Cruz!”

That’s it folks. That’s all I got. Not only was it riddled with misspellings that made the statement  basically unintelligible, but THAT WAS ALL HE HAD TO SAY??? Where was the worship and adoration I was seeking? No, “You’re so beautiful and fascinating that I  cannot wait to meet you!” It is hard for me to imagine now, but I almost wrote him off for his bad grammar and lousy punctuation, which is ironic when I consider what a great writer Paul is. He proofreads all of my papers for school and his input makes them so much better. He is meticulous, neat and tidy in so many areas of his life (except that he often leaves his dirty socks and underwear on the bedroom floor) that it is hard for me to believe that I almost let him get away for the careless, inconsiderate slob I initially perceived him to be. This brings me to my point, ladies: Don’t let the good ones get away while you pine away for some idealized fantasy of some fairytale prince that you have built up in your mind as THE ONE.

I just finished reading a fantastic book that I believe  is perhaps the most seminal in depth study of male/female relationships that I cannot recommend it enough. It is called, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough I know, the title puts you off a little bit. It is a little offensive. How dare anyone expect you to settle? Like it’s a dirty word. The author Laura Gottlieb makes a strong case for doing just that. Settling in this context is more about compromise and being realistic,  and ultimately  about acceptance.

Gottlieb learned this lesson the hard way and is trying to spare other women of committing the same mistakes. She says women today have a heightened sense of entitlement. They expect too much without really thinking about what they have to give to get. She quotes Dr. Michael Broder, a Philadelphia-based psychologist who specializes in relationships as saying, “For these women, not only is the imagined guy a fantasy, but so is the actual relationship. After all, there’s a limit to what a relationship can provide.  They are looking for a relationship from the perspective of what the guy can provide for them — a ‘me-me-me thing’ — instead of wanting something more reciprocal.” He went on to say that our mother’s generation was not like this. “They may have wished, but certainly didn’t expect, that their husbands would constantly want to please them, be attracted to them, entertain them, enjoy sharing all of their interests, and be the most charming person in the room. Instead they knew that marriage involved failing health, aging, boredom, periods of stress and disconnection, annoying habits, issues with children,  hardships and misunderstandings of all sorts.”

I know women like this and they are all alone. A few years ago I tried to introduce my never married 40ish friend to a really great guy I knew whom I described to her as, “Sweet, kind, really good looking, fun, active, smart, funny, has a good job and owns his own home.” Her response? How tall is he? She just couldn’t date him if he wasn’t at least five inches taller than she. He wasn’t. He’s now married to someone else and she’s still alone. I know another woman who will summarize her first date by telling you what he wore. She’ll describe his shirt, his shoes and the car he drove. There is never any mention of his character or  personality, how he treated her, what they talked about or how she felt when she was with him. She told me recently, “I just want a guy who’s crazy about me.” Oy.

Relationships are work. They take effort, investment, time and patience. NO ONE is perfect. We all have flaws. My 40ish friend was 30 pounds over weight when she made her  “I can’t date a short guy” proclamation.  Imagine if the tables were turned and he said, “Sorry, I can’t take a gal who’s chubby.” He’d be a cad. She, on the other hand, is selective. She won’t settle.

I didn’t settle either. I have my standards. My husband had to love kids and dogs. He had to be kind, loving, smart and funny. No bad tempers or substance abuse issues. I can still remember that first time I stood in Paul’s kitchen and he poured his heart out to me. He confessed that he really didn’t have much money. (As if I couldn’t guess. Financial hardship is often a by product of divorce.) I knew I loved him when I didn’t care. We could make a life together and we started planning that minute. Thank god I didn’t toss him aside when I got that first email.

What always gets me though and is kind of hard to take, is suffering through Carrie’s screwing up of her life.  A particularly difficult episode for me is when Aiden breaks up with Carrie when he finds out she has been  cheating on him with Big. I realize of course that the plot twists are the writers way of driving the story line while maintaining viewer’s attention. (In much the same way that Erica Kane is now on her 10th husband.) And I understand Carrie’s motivation. None of the four main character’s parents were  ever directly involved in the story line. An occasional sibling showed up for a brief cameo but that was it. Mostly you had to learn about the character’s backgrounds from the characters themselves. Samantha, the sex pot, didn’t want to end up saddled with four kids like her mother. Miranda’s mom died in one episode, but we never met her. Charlotte’s dad’s face was not even seen when he walked her down the aisle. And Carrie was apparently an only child who’s father walked out on her when she was five. Could that be the formulaic, cliched motivation behind Carrie’s attraction to bad men? I’m sorry, even though Big redeemed himself in the movie, I still thought he was  an emotionally withholding, aloof, arrogant piece of shit.  And yet …  I got his appeal. As the  daughter of a distant, unavailable alcoholic father myself, I painfully understood Carrie all to well. Which is why I always wished she had ended up with Aiden.

Aiden was a doll. He was normal. He was loyal, trustworthy and kind. And he adored Carrie. He embraced her. Wanted to understand her on the deepest level. (He refinished her floors for God’s sake.) He was available. But Carrie, like so many emotionally unhealthy women raised on romance novels, had to keep chasing the unattainable, ungettable man with the sad hope that if she finally caught him, it would validate her worthiness.  I learned that lesson the hard way having  dated my share of Mr. Bigs, which is why I married an Aiden.

Paul is refreshingly stable, kind and giving. He knows a good thing when he sees it, so he would never dream of doing anything to mess it up. When he met me, he staked his claim and worked his hardest to woo me. There is very little internal conflict in our marriage. We have the outside forces of the world working against us sometimes, but our relationship is solid. It is so much easier and calmer to go through life with someone you don’t have to worry about. And I never once doubted that he would show up at our wedding.

I hear there is another Sex and The City movie coming out. I have to admit I am curious to see what the dramatic conflict is going to be this time.

I don’t think there is a person anywhere, man or woman, who looks forward to reentering the dating scene at the age of forty. There is a lot I have learned on this subject. I dated more men that I care to admit and I have heard every divorce/ break up sob story you can imagine. It got to the point where I could almost put my dates on auto pilot because they all sounded the same to me. Although many of my dates were very nice, many were sad and/or bitter and some were downright weird, like the metro sexual who took longer to get ready for a date than I did because he had a pathological fear of buttons. Or the guy who thought the jet stream marks made by airplanes were created by aliens. These outrageous types can and should be written off as freaks and weirdos, but there are others losers that are not as obvious that you should be on the look out for.

MEN TO AVOID

The Angry Spiritual Guy This man takes his meditations seriously.  He has a daily spiritual practice he likes to talk about all the time. His  self-awareness  borders on self-absorption. He may not be bible thumping, but he is still badgering you with his own brand of “enlightenment” superiority. Unfortunately, his life long quest for balance, inner peace and tranquility is not working.  He directs his own self-loathing and inferiority complex outward by picking on you and putting you down. Not someone you want to spend time with.

The Svengali/Rescuer.  This guy tries to find your weak spots and doesn’t let go. He targets vulnerable women he can “protect” and “save”  so that you will be forever beholden to him. He prefers to be your consoler rather than your congratulator. It gives him power to see you vulnerable and depressed.  He focuses on the negative and dwells on things that will knock your confidence a bit with subtle put downs that if you protest or object, he’ll tell you you are being too sensitive. Avoid him.

Mr. Romance.  He’s read The Four Agreements and waxes romantic about finding true love again. He thinks he’s ready for love but he’s not.  He’ll  talk about taking you away for the weekend or introducing you to his friends, but he never makes plans. In fact, all his talk is pretty general. He is in love with the idea of love. He will wine and dine you the first few dates and after that all you get is the “stay-in-touch” phone call. He is probably well-intentioned and should not be confused with the commitment-phobic “player”. This guy is most likely still nursing a wounded heart and ego. He loved being married and his divorce was not his idea. He likes you, he’s just not ready. Don’t wait around.

Mr. Ambivalence. Similar to Mr. Romance in that he seems kind of into you but you aren’t really sure. You might chalk up  his tentativeness to his insecurity or fear of getting hurt when in reality it is because, as Greg Behrendt proclaimed in his aptly titled book, He’s Just Not That Into You.  You’ll know for sure when you find out about a year after you break up with him that he married a woman 20 years his junior and had a baby. The pathetic solace at this time in your life is to reread The Four Agreements, or  The Secret. Whatever you do, don’t do what I did and stay up too late watching Pilates Infomercials.

Just as there are warning signals and red flags for women to avoid, I have the benefit of a man’s perspective i.e. my husband’s, to tell you what to look out for when it comes to dangerous women.

WOMEN TO AVOID

The Onion. My husband told me he went on a first and only date with a woman who when they sat down to dinner told him: “I just want you to know, I am a very complicated person with lots of layers. I’m like an onion. I’m really hard to get to know. ” Check please.

The Ex-Model/Beauty Queen/Gold Digger. Apparently these women are everywhere. High maintenance, low effort, lazy, selfish and spoiled. Can’t imagine a life where they actually have to work or do laundry. You would never catch them washing the dog. If they did, they’d be wearing Manolo Blahnik’s. These types give good women a bad name.

The Three Mojito Girl aka The Boozer. Need I say more? My husband took out one of these gals and she drank like this at lunch.

Other Points of Wisdom.

The most important lesson I learned dating post 40 with kids is an observation really. I see so many seemingly terrific women who have been single and dating for years and they can’t figure out why they haven’t found someone. It is not for lack of trying. It is for lack of giving. What I mean by that is a lot of people look to relationships in terms of what they want to get out of it without any consideration for what they need to put into it in order to get it. Some single moms I know have actually looked at me with horror when I tell them I married a man with three children. Even though they have children of their own, there is no way they could deal with more. How would they feel if someone told them that about their kids? “You are OK but I don’t want your kids around.” That wouldn’t have worked for me. I was attracted to men with kids because I knew they would understand the joys, challenges and responsibilites associated with children.

If you are dating on-line, beware of the Penpal Guy/Gal. I was just skimming the reviews of a some dating books on Amazon when I came across one written by a “relationship therapist”. She suggested that you really get to know your on-line dating correspondents via emails for at least a month before you set out to meet them. I cannot disagree with this more for three reasons. Chances are the person who is not willing to meet right away could be a dreamer who would rather worship from afar because he/she is too afraid deal with not only rejection, but the possibility of a real relationship. Secondly, you are setting yourself up for disappointment because the reality of meeting someone rarely matches your fantasy and idealization of that person. Finally, you could be wasting your time on someone you have absolutely no chemistry with.  I learned these lessons the hard way. I corresponded via emails and phonecalls for a month with a man I met on-line who was planning to relocate to my area. We had a great rapport on the phone and he was very, very complementary of me. He loved my intellect and sense of humor. We read the same books, shared the same values and philosophies  and had generally great phone chemistry. He made plans to come to my town to look at houses and we arranged to meet for a walk on the beach.  I got my hair done, bought a new outfit, got a manicure and drove down to meet him. I got out of the car and I could tell by the way he looked at me and greeted me that he was disappointed and truthfully, so was I. There was zero chemistry. Zilch. The date lasted twenty minutes and he made an excuse that he had to go. Later I saw his profile again  on-line and he did move near me, but I never saw or heard from him again. After that whenever a guy told me he “really wanted to get to know me before we met” I said forget and moved on.

The first few months  after Jared, my ex, moved out, were a blur. I felt dazed and confused. I remember thinking there would be some place I could go to for advice that would help me sort it all out. I looked in the yellow pages for divorce support groups and there were none. Oddly, next to the ads for divorce lawyers were ads for skydiving lessons and therapeutic scarf dancing classes.  I guess some people do drastic things to recover from divorce with the theory being that if you can overcome the fear of jumping out of a plane, then you can overcome anything. Not me. I like to absorb my traumas one at a time. As for the scarf dancing, I’m not the emotive touchy feely type. At least not with strangers.

Friends and family members who observed my struggles at the time told me I was very brave, that I handled things with such grace and dignity that I should have been commended. I’ll let you in on a little secret. I was faking it.  My subterfuge  reminds me of a famous interview with the great screen and stage actor Laurence Olivier in which he was asked the secret to his success as an actor. He simply stated, “I just pretend.” That was me. I figured if I acted fine, then I would feel fine. With the help of some therapy, supportive friends and diversionary tactics, eventually I was fine. It is hard for me to believe that from where I  now sit, remarried to a wonderful man who adores me, with a wonderful family whom I adore, that not so long ago I spent  many mornings sobbing in the shower. If my experience can at all help you with your personal journey dealing with divorce, reentering the dating scene and making the decision to remarry, then please allow me to share with you some helpful advice and pearls of wisdom I have gleaned over the years. I hope my happy ending will be an inspiration to you.

How do you get over divorce? I don’t think you ever really do. A day rarely goes by that I don’t wish that I never got divorced. Divorce is like a death in some ways in that pain  subsides with time, but it never completely goes away. Don’t expect it to. Allow yourself to feel sad until you don’t feel sad anymore.  You need to confront grief in order to process it and move on. Don’t avoid it. You will only delay the pain.

Don’t date too soon. Sometimes you think you are OK when you are not. I made that mistake. I worried that if  I didn’t start to date right away I never would.  I thought I would lose my nerve. Although dating again restored my self-esteem on some levels by assuring me that I was still attractive, I really wasn’t ready. Since you tend to attract what you are, and I was a sad sack, I dated a lot of down trodden types  whom I commiserated with over our mutually sad tales of woe– a counterproductive waste of time.   

Over time I realized and accepted that I needed to learn to be alone.  I figured I may or may not ever meet anyone so I might as well figure out how to be happy by myself. I took cooking and wine appreciation classes at the local community college (my fellow classmates were all single women). I learned to ski, read lots of books, (many self-help) took myself out to dinner and a movie (0n Saturday nights), started a successful business, and occasionally stayed up too late watching Pilates infomercials.  Above all, I cherished my two girls, spending lots of time with them and slowly, the three of us  healed.

I am still amazed to this day that I went from being a single mom — fearful of being alone, to now being a wife and mother of five– fearful of never being alone.  The other night when I was walking my dog around our neighborhood, the only alone time I get sometimes, I reflected on my life. My two kids, who are growing up too fast, and my two marriages. Where did the time go? I’ve had a pretty  full life by most people’s standards.   I don’t have many regrets except one –and that is I wish  that I had not spent so much time worrying  about things that eventually turned out OK. Instead  I should have concentrated more on enjoying my life. That is my best advice to all my newly single readers out there.  Don’t worry. It will get better. You will recover and move on and you will find someone else who loves you more than you thought humanly possible, and when you do, you will appreciate  that  much more.