I’ve also been cooking up a storm. One of my Christmas presents to myself was a cookbook I picked up  in the checkout line at Safeway. It is from Food and Wine and called Our Best New Classics. Edited by Dana Cowin. Not available on Amazon unfortunately, but sold in the magazine section of grocery stores. Amazing recipes. I made the Spicy & Sticky Baby Back Ribs and Paul declared the sauce “epic.” Other faves so far have been the Skillet Chicken & Mushroom Pot Pie and the Chicken Tikka with Cilantro and Yogurt Sauce. I find cooking relaxing and I am glad to have the time again to devote to it.

The Package Deal, by Izzy Rose is a wonderfully hilarious book I just discovered about a single gal with a great career living in San Francisco, who falls in love with a Southern gentleman (with two kids) and moves to Austin, Texas.  It is witting, insightful, humorous and above all– relatable. If you have ever asked yourself, “What have I gotten myself in to?” This book is for you.

Paul and I both enjoy this book  and have developed an unspoken ritual for sharing it with each other.  I keep the book on my night stand and periodically we will both skim through the book, find a passage we want both liked and then keep the book open to that page so the other can find it and read it later.

As you might imagine, I have had a lot of emails from women from all over the country. They don’t post comments on my blog, but they do write to me. I would never publish their letters and I never discuss what they tell me, even with my husband (who forgets everything I tell him anyway), but I would like to offer to my reading public the gist of  these letters since there is an uncanny similarity to all of them. Here are some of their frequently asked questions:

#1. How did you get over it? How did you get past the pain, humiliation and anger so that you could move on with your life?

This is a biggie. How does anyone get over anything? A failed marriage is a failed marriage and there is no guarantee that I would not have gotten divorced if I had married a straight guy. Still I was pretty pissed when you figure that if I had married a straight guy I might have had a better shot at staying married. I felt like I had no control over the situation, which was frustrating and, oddly, also liberating. It was not my fault. Given the information that was presented to me at the time of my marriage, I felt like I had made a good decision. I was given a free pass.

#2. How did you forgive?

This is kind of tied into the first question, but let me elaborate a bit. I think one of my best character traits (if I may so so myself) and  traits we as a democratic, civilized society can use a little more of, is my compassion, empathy and the ability to see through someone else’s perspective. Intellectually I knew that we live in a society that demonizes homosexuality. Rick Warren, the pastor who said the opening prayer at Obama’s inauguration, has likened homosexuality to bestiality and pedophilia.  It is no wonder gay people feel oppressed, ostracized and the need to closet their sexuality. In that context, I couldn’t blame my gay ex-husband, Jared, for attempting to deny his true sexual identity. It made me more understanding and hence, more forgiving.

#3. What did you tell the kids?

I told them the truth, warts and all. I told them I was sad, but I made it clear to them that even though I was down, I was not out. I firmly believe children take their cues from their parents and if I could recover, they could too.  I explained to them that we had to let Daddy go to be happy, which is the greatest gift anyone can give to anyone. Dad would still be in our lives, he just was not going to live with us anymore. (Although he came over for dinner many times those first few months.) I told them that there is nothing wrong with being gay, but many people do not share our acceptance and openness about it. To this day, the girls are very selective with whom they confide in about their father being gay.

#4. How did you find happiness again?

I found it mostly because I wanted to, but not until I had given myself sufficient time to grieve,which is a very important part of the healing process. When you avoid pain by not processing it, you can not get over it. After an initial scoundrel period in which I rushed into dating in order to fill the void in my life, I eventually realized that I needed time alone in order to come to terms with what I really wanted out of life and to discover what would make me truly happy.

#5. Where did you turn to for support?

My first action, after I poured my heart out to my friends, was to get professional counseling. I made a few inquiries and found a very supportive therapist who had experience in dealing with exactly what I was going through.  In addition, I searched the Internet and found The Straight Spouse Support Network ,founded my Amity Pierce Buxton, whose husband came out in the ’70′s. Amity was sweet enough to email me and I talked on the phone with members from the local chapter. I also read several books that were very helpful and made me realize that I was neither crazy nor alone. Here are a view titles: Pretzel Logic: A Novel , The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families, Revised and Expanded Edition and  My Husband Is Gay: A Woman’s Survival Guide.

It has been more than ten years since Jared, my ex, first confessed to me that he was gay, and quite frankly, I rarely think about it anymore. My days now are filled with loving and enjoying my new husband, our busy lives as a blended family, working on our family business and, now that the kids are older and more independent, fulfilling and pursuing my own dreams.

I don’t think there is a person anywhere, man or woman, who looks forward to reentering the dating scene at the age of forty. There is a lot I have learned on this subject. I dated more men that I care to admit and I have heard every divorce/ break up sob story you can imagine. It got to the point where I could almost put my dates on auto pilot because they all sounded the same to me. Although many of my dates were very nice, many were sad and/or bitter and some were downright weird, like the metro sexual who took longer to get ready for a date than I did because he had a pathological fear of buttons. Or the guy who thought the jet stream marks made by airplanes were created by aliens. These outrageous types can and should be written off as freaks and weirdos, but there are others losers that are not as obvious that you should be on the look out for.

MEN TO AVOID

The Angry Spiritual Guy This man takes his meditations seriously.  He has a daily spiritual practice he likes to talk about all the time. His  self-awareness  borders on self-absorption. He may not be bible thumping, but he is still badgering you with his own brand of “enlightenment” superiority. Unfortunately, his life long quest for balance, inner peace and tranquility is not working.  He directs his own self-loathing and inferiority complex outward by picking on you and putting you down. Not someone you want to spend time with.

The Svengali/Rescuer.  This guy tries to find your weak spots and doesn’t let go. He targets vulnerable women he can “protect” and “save”  so that you will be forever beholden to him. He prefers to be your consoler rather than your congratulator. It gives him power to see you vulnerable and depressed.  He focuses on the negative and dwells on things that will knock your confidence a bit with subtle put downs that if you protest or object, he’ll tell you you are being too sensitive. Avoid him.

Mr. Romance.  He’s read The Four Agreements and waxes romantic about finding true love again. He thinks he’s ready for love but he’s not.  He’ll  talk about taking you away for the weekend or introducing you to his friends, but he never makes plans. In fact, all his talk is pretty general. He is in love with the idea of love. He will wine and dine you the first few dates and after that all you get is the “stay-in-touch” phone call. He is probably well-intentioned and should not be confused with the commitment-phobic “player”. This guy is most likely still nursing a wounded heart and ego. He loved being married and his divorce was not his idea. He likes you, he’s just not ready. Don’t wait around.

Mr. Ambivalence. Similar to Mr. Romance in that he seems kind of into you but you aren’t really sure. You might chalk up  his tentativeness to his insecurity or fear of getting hurt when in reality it is because, as Greg Behrendt proclaimed in his aptly titled book, He’s Just Not That Into You.  You’ll know for sure when you find out about a year after you break up with him that he married a woman 20 years his junior and had a baby. The pathetic solace at this time in your life is to reread The Four Agreements, or  The Secret. Whatever you do, don’t do what I did and stay up too late watching Pilates Infomercials.

Just as there are warning signals and red flags for women to avoid, I have the benefit of a man’s perspective i.e. my husband’s, to tell you what to look out for when it comes to dangerous women.

WOMEN TO AVOID

The Onion. My husband told me he went on a first and only date with a woman who when they sat down to dinner told him: “I just want you to know, I am a very complicated person with lots of layers. I’m like an onion. I’m really hard to get to know. ” Check please.

The Ex-Model/Beauty Queen/Gold Digger. Apparently these women are everywhere. High maintenance, low effort, lazy, selfish and spoiled. Can’t imagine a life where they actually have to work or do laundry. You would never catch them washing the dog. If they did, they’d be wearing Manolo Blahnik’s. These types give good women a bad name.

The Three Mojito Girl aka The Boozer. Need I say more? My husband took out one of these gals and she drank like this at lunch.

Other Points of Wisdom.

The most important lesson I learned dating post 40 with kids is an observation really. I see so many seemingly terrific women who have been single and dating for years and they can’t figure out why they haven’t found someone. It is not for lack of trying. It is for lack of giving. What I mean by that is a lot of people look to relationships in terms of what they want to get out of it without any consideration for what they need to put into it in order to get it. Some single moms I know have actually looked at me with horror when I tell them I married a man with three children. Even though they have children of their own, there is no way they could deal with more. How would they feel if someone told them that about their kids? “You are OK but I don’t want your kids around.” That wouldn’t have worked for me. I was attracted to men with kids because I knew they would understand the joys, challenges and responsibilites associated with children.

If you are dating on-line, beware of the Penpal Guy/Gal. I was just skimming the reviews of a some dating books on Amazon when I came across one written by a “relationship therapist”. She suggested that you really get to know your on-line dating correspondents via emails for at least a month before you set out to meet them. I cannot disagree with this more for three reasons. Chances are the person who is not willing to meet right away could be a dreamer who would rather worship from afar because he/she is too afraid deal with not only rejection, but the possibility of a real relationship. Secondly, you are setting yourself up for disappointment because the reality of meeting someone rarely matches your fantasy and idealization of that person. Finally, you could be wasting your time on someone you have absolutely no chemistry with.  I learned these lessons the hard way. I corresponded via emails and phonecalls for a month with a man I met on-line who was planning to relocate to my area. We had a great rapport on the phone and he was very, very complementary of me. He loved my intellect and sense of humor. We read the same books, shared the same values and philosophies  and had generally great phone chemistry. He made plans to come to my town to look at houses and we arranged to meet for a walk on the beach.  I got my hair done, bought a new outfit, got a manicure and drove down to meet him. I got out of the car and I could tell by the way he looked at me and greeted me that he was disappointed and truthfully, so was I. There was zero chemistry. Zilch. The date lasted twenty minutes and he made an excuse that he had to go. Later I saw his profile again  on-line and he did move near me, but I never saw or heard from him again. After that whenever a guy told me he “really wanted to get to know me before we met” I said forget and moved on.

 A couple of years ago, right around the time Paul and I got engaged, I read a book called The Jew Store by Stella Suberman. It is a memoir of her childhood growing up as a member of the only Jewish family living in the rural South in the early 1920′s. Suberman’s father, Aaron Bronson, was a Russian immigrant who settled in New York City and hated city life. He longed for the beautiful farmlands of his native country and when an opportunity arose to manage a dry goods store in Concordia, TN, he jumped at the chance.  Suberman’s mother was beside herself. Not only did she fear for her family’s safety, she was concerned her children would not get a proper Jewish education. She went to her mother for advice, hoping she would be her allie. Instead her mother told her, “Go. Be a warm stone in your husband’s pocket.” When I read those words I made a vow to always be a warm stone in my husband’s pocket.

Valentine’s Day was a few weeks later, our first together, and I had a great idea for the perfect gift for Paul. I found a flat, smooth stone and I had it engraved with the words, “I promise to always be a warm stone in your pocket.” (In case you are wondering where I got it engraved, I went to the same trophy store where I always get my kids’ soccer trophies.) When I gave it to him I told him the origin of the saying. Paul keeps the stone on his night stand and whenever times get tough, or we have a disagreement about something, he often says to me, “Be a warm stone in my pocket.” It reminds me of my vow and it strengthens our bond as a couple because we know we are standing back to back; a warm stone in each other’s pocket.

Click on the link below to learn how to make your own mini Christmas trees. I made these with Sophia and Eva when they were little and I submitted the idea to FamilyFun magazine and they published it in their December 2000 issue and later in their book  FamilyFun Home. I later created my own kits that I sold to local craft stores.

Tiny Christmas Trees