Last night, while I was browsing through my copy of Alice Water’s cookbook, The Art of Simple Food: Notes, Lessons, and Recipes from a Delicious Revolution,  I found that most of what she espouses, shop local, buy organic, are principles I have been practicing for years. I can still remember as a child, stopping by the New Jersey farms stands with my mom on my way home from the beach. Fresh corn, Jersey tomatoes and melons, as well as home made pies, jams and locally harvested honey beckoned my senses and whet my appetite for good food. My mother had high blood pressure and was on a low sodium, low fat diet, long before it was fashionable, hence fresh fruits and vegetables were always an important staple in our diet.

The most compelling plea of Ms. Waters, and one with which I heartily agree, is her firm belief in packing children nutritious and hearty school lunches. This is a conviction I firmly believe in and have always practiced. I know some parents believe the importance of teaching children independence by making them pack their own lunches, but I know that if I did that, my kids, in their hectic scramble to get out the door each morning, would simply not do it. Since I don’t mind, and because it is so important to me that my children remain well nourished throughout their school day, I am happy to do it. Truthfully, it’s really not that hard or time consuming. Even when I worked full time and had an hour commute, I managed to get the job done. Because I do most of the prep the night before and  have such an assembly line efficient system, I can pack 7 lunches, (including one for me and Paul) in 10 minutes.

Another motivation for doing so is to keep my kids away from the unhealthy junk food crap they could buy at school, which, thankfully,  my kids would never eat anyway. However, I can see what an enticement it can be since it is so readily available and so cheap. My stepson tells me he can buy a slice of pizza and a Coke for $2. Certainly not organic or sustainable. Why do schools sell soda in the first place? Actually, I know the answer to that question. Soda companies underwrite the school with hefty donations in exchange for putting soda vending machines in the cafeteria. Under funded schools are fearful of giving up the resources. An outrage.

Here’s what I packed in my kids lunches today: fresh berry salad, bagel chips with basil and sun dried tomato hummus, and their favorite sandwich– turkey, Havarti cheese, bacon, avocado, lettuce and kalamata olive spread, which I make from scratch. Here’s the recipe: combine 1/4 cup mayo with a clove of garlic, a handful of kalamata olives and pinch of herbs de Provence in a blender or food processor. Pulse until creamy, although a few olive chunks are fine. My kids love it.

We had a wonderful Christmas this year. Sophia is home from college and Sam is home from the Navy. It was very relaxing and stress free, which is the way I like the holidays to be. We baked cookies, created a wreath with fresh garland and made a gingerbread house from scratch. Looking forward to a wonderful New Year.

A few nights ago we were  sitting outside enjoying an outdoor fire when the conversation turned to camping. Cheryl has been dogging her father for years to take her on a backpacking trip where the two of them hike into the woods, pitch a tent and fish for dinner. Apparently this is something Eva has longed to do as well, so the two of them cornered Paul and made him promise to take them. They also made me promise that I would not go since they know I don’t enjoy camping and would whine and complain the whole time and they are right about that.

Once it was agreed and a date was set for a weekend in July, Cheryl and Eva got busy planning their trip. They pulled out all of our camping books to decide on a destination and made notes and lists in a designated “camping notebook”. The supplies included two tents: one for them and one for Paul, just in case he snores (or eats too many beans, if you know what I mean.)  It was a joy to watch their excitement. And a delight for me to know that my daughter Eva would beg her stepfather to take her somewhere and feel comfortable and safe with him.

Later I told Paul, “These girls are so excited you’d think you had given them the moon. You’ve given them something to live for.”

In spite of my trepidations that things would go awry based on the pre-Christmas angst all the kids were experiencing, we ended up having a wonderful Christmas after all. Sophia and Eva woke up Christmas morning around 8:30 and I made breakfast for all of us.  Afterward Paul  lit a fire in the front room while we waited for his kids to return from their mother’s. The girls were a bit mellow and kind of funky, the excitement of “Let’s go open our presents!!!” was definitely not there. In a way they seemed kind of sad, but once their stepsibs arrived the mood elevated to joyous excitement. We all settled in the great room under the big tree and Cheryl was the self-appointed mistress of ceremonies and handed out the presents. Everyone took his or her turn in a very civilized fashion as we all savored the moment of giving and receiving. I especially liked watching the children open the gifts they bought for each other.  They have developed a genuine fondness and affection for each other and truly enjoyed sharing the excitement of the day.

I kept hoping this year’s Christmas would go off without a hitch. I really thought that we had finally worked out all the kinks. But no. There always seems to be something or someone who screws up the works.

As you might expect, blended family holidays, particularly Christmas, can be fraught with thwarted expectations and nostalgic remembrances of how things used to be when mom and dad were still married. Every family has its own traditions and blending them and finding a common ground is the hardest to do this time of year.

When I was a single mom my two girls always spent Christmas eve and woke up Christmas morning at my house. My ex would come over in time to watch them open their presents and we would all have breakfast and play with the new toys. There was no stress or drama and everyone was happy.

Things were a little different for Paul. When he was a single dad his kids spent Christmas eve at their mom’s and woke up Christmas morning at her house and he stayed at home alone. He didn’t get invited to go over to her house and he did not get to share in the joy of Christmas morning with his children. They would come to his house later in the afternoon, but it just wasn’t the same. Two years ago Paul decided he wanted this to change and told his ex he wanted his turn having the kids wake up Christmas morning with him. She was not happy about it, but went along with it when they decided they would alternate the holiday every year. I, in turn, made the same arrangement with my ex giving him his turn to have the kids on Christmas morning. (Are you keeping up? I know, it’s exhausting keeping track.)

This year was supposed to be our turn to have the kids wake up here on Christmas morning, but apparently Paul’s ex “forgot” and went ahead and make plans (without consulting us)  to go out of town on Christmas day with her boyfriend so she has to have the kids on Christmas eve and Christmas morning. She promised that next year we could have the kids. We went along with her request seein’s how she was going to bring the kids over at 10am on Christmas morning anyway, but here’s the wrinkle. My kids are still waking up here with us and when they get up they want to go to the tree and open their presents right away. They don’t want to have to wait until 10am when Paul’s kids come over, which is what Cheryl is insisting that we do. She accused Sophia of being rude for not waiting for them to come over so they can open presents as a family. While I appreciate Cheryl’s logic, I don’t think she is looking at the big picture. When she wakes up at her mom’s is she going to have to wait to open her presents? No. She was very insistent and would not listen to reason. This made all three girls cry. Sophia resented being called rude as well as the demands dictating how she spend her Christmas morning. Eva, who is very self-sacrificing and is  willing to wait until Paul’s kids came over, was upset that there was a conflict and said, “Why does everything have to be so hard?”  My sentiments exactly. Why does it have to be so hard? I’m weary. I’m weary of having to constantly negotiate, mediate and compromise. Dealing with the kids is one thing, but having to also accomodate  the demands of the ex-spouse is  frustrating and exhausting.

I tried to smooth things over the best I could and promised my girls I would talk to Paul when he came home to explain the situation so he could reason with Cheryl. I also suggested a compromise, “How about you open just a few presents” but neither side would budge. When I told Paul the whole story he backed me up and said he would talk to Cheryl.  (He hasn’t had a chance to do this yet because the kids went to their other parents’ on Friday.) Knowing this made my girls feel better. Still, I am dreading another confrontation. It makes me very sad.  I hope we can get past this and still enjoy our Christmas.

In the meantime, I did try to get Sophia to put things in perspective. Waiting to have to open your presents is better than not having presents to open. And Cheryl’s demands that she wait are borne of her own need to feel included and to not be left out.  After all, we are a family and families open their presents together. A conundrum that will take the wisdom of Solomon to solve. If you readers have any suggestions, thoughts or comments  I would love to hear them.

We got our Christmas tree on Saturday. The kids had been looking forward to it all week. We had such a wonderful time picking it out.  This is our fourth Christmas together as a blended family. It has really become quite a joy to watch the children cherish their new family traditions. We went to our usual cut-it-yourself tree farm, but they did not have the size of tree we wanted. Apparently we got the biggest tree last year. Instead we went to another tree farm and in spite of the rain,  had a blast finding just the right tree. We got a cypress. No needles. Full and thick with lots of stiff branches to hang our combined collection of ornaments. When we got home, Paul and the boys put it in the stand and anchored it to the wall (a necessary precaution  here in earthquake country) and we all decorated it. Sophia and Mark thought the tree needed more lights so they made  a run to the store to get some more. Everyone had their input, particularly me who went through all the boxes of decorations to make sure all the important ones got on the tree. Each ornament has a story and a sentimental memory. The cinnamon dough ornaments my girls made in kindergarten, the painted ceramic ones Cheryl made in preschool and the “Baby’s first Christmas” ornaments that were gifts from friends and relatives. I even have decorations I made with my mother when I was a child. All those memories,  past, present and future, are on that tree. It is that one constant that makes every Christmas “The best Christmas ever!”

The next day the children went Christmas shopping together to buy presents for each other. This is another blended family tradition we started. Rather than Paul and I shopping for all the kids’ gifts, we give them money and let them do it themselves. They really get into the spirit of giving and this year was especially poignant because somehow Cheryl lost a big portion of her money and was quite upset. The other children all chipped in to give her what they had left over so she could finish her shopping and Sophia consoled her by saying, “Let’s just imagine that the person who found it was someone who really needed it.” I think having the love and support of your family is the greatest Christmas gift of all.”