Shwanda Family Christmas 2010

I know I’m kind of doing this backwards, talking about Christmas after I already wished you a Happy New Year, but I wanted to share with you the Shwanda version of the Hallmark family Christmas. This story has “after school” special written all over it.

This past year Paul and I adopted a new holiday tradition by giving our kids money to buy each other presents so that they could experience the true joy of giving, but mostly so that we would not have to do it. It turned out to be a great idea and a huge success. The kids  gave a lot of thought to what they got each other and learned how to shop wisely and to budget their money.

On December 20th, I was at the mall with the three girls swilling a Starbucks Peppermint latte and soaking up some Christmas cheer when we strolled past the Toys for Tots gift table. For those of you not familiar, it is non-profit fundraiser to buy gifts for kids in need. The table was lined with paper stockings from which you choose one that has a Christmas wish written on it. Most are for really practical items like a stroller or a warm winter coat. But there was one 12 year-old-boy who dared to shoot for the stars. He wanted a Nintendo DS video console. These run around $130 new and the games for it are almost as expensive. I know, because my kids all have one.

It made the girls sad at first to think that this poor boy would be so disappointed because, as Sophia reasoned, “Mom, who’s going to buy him such an expensive gift?”

In a heartbeat, I responded, “we are.”

“We are?” they asked surprised and confused.

“Yes. Sophia, do you have any money left?” I knew she had purchased all of her gifts and had $50 bucks leftover so I asked her if she was willing to offer it up. She was. I said I would cover the rest.

We headed over to GameStop and found a used white one (we rejected the pink one because it was too girly) plus a game and took it back to the gift table.  The girls were absolutely delighted to be able to give this gift to this young boy. We could only imagine the look on his face when he opened it.

Later, when we were home, Sophia, always a perceptive and thoughtful child, reflected on why our “playing Santa” was so remarkable and rewarding. “I really have to give that kid credit for asking for such an expensive gift. He could have asked for something safe and simple like a basketball or Giant’s T-shirt, but no. He had the guts to ask for what he really wanted. He dared to dream. Someday I can see that kid applying to Harvard. It’s a long shot, but what the heck. Ya never know.”

I think Sophia was spot on about this kid. At least I hope so. And I am happy to have done my part to foster this child’s spirit. Merry Christmas, dear 12 year-old boy. And Happy New Year.

First, I only shop at Marshalls. I took the kids there when we were in New Jersey this summer and we could not believe the deals. All the girls got stylin’ gladiator sandals for under $10. Cheryl found an O’Neill bathing suit for $7 and Sophia scored an American Eagle wool pea coat for $24. I told the kids, “From now on, that is where we will shop.” No more over priced mall designer stores. After all, why pay more when you can pay less?

Secondly, I canceled the house keeper. It killed me to do it, but I just could not justify the expense anymore. Now I pay the kids a small amount of chore money to clean their rooms and bathrooms and pick up the rest of the house, which is something they should have been doing all along.  I had justified the expense in the past because I was working full time and the kids were so busy with sports and homework. Now, we set aside two Saturdays a month to give the house a thorough cleaning and the money we save can go into a vacation account or toward some  other house hold expense.

Cook from scratch. If the kids want cookies they can make them themselves. Ditto for pizza and other snacks. Here are some recipe ideas from my Just Imaginate blog.

Make gifts and cards. This holiday season I plan to make as many as possible. I am starting now so that I have plenty of time.  Here are some homemade gift ideas also from my Just Imaginate blog.

Cooking/baking and making crafts  is a wonderful way to spend time together as a family. It is entertaining. It’s relaxing and it teaches kids the value of saving money.

We made this decision based on a number of factors. For one thing, it was hard enough selling my house in a tough real estate market, let alone selling two. If we did buy a new place, our property taxes would have quadrupled. And finally, Paul was really attached to the house, having put a lot of sweat equity into it. We figured with the sale of my house, we could afford to remodel his  and make it our own. And we did. We added a new master bedroom and bath, a huge great room complete with a movie screen wall and wet bar, an art studio on the back of the property, a covered car port with a game room, remodeled the kitchen and repainted and refurnished the entire house.

Despite all of these accommodations the kids were often at odds with their new living environment. My kids missed their friends from the old neighborhood, even though they still saw them at school. (We only moved five minutes away, but it wasn’t the same.) And for the longest time they felt like they were guests in someone else’s house. Paul’s kids felt displaced and intruded upon especially since I brought a whole different parenting style with new rules and supervision they were not used to. My constant rearrangement of the kitchen cabinets was a sore point for just about everyone.  I was beginning to think that the kids were scarred for life and would never forgive us for the emotional trauma we had put them through until… we got our really cool L.A. pad.

I’ve mentioned in recent posts that Paul and I have a business together near our home in Santa Cruz. Recently we opened a second  office on in L.A. Actually, it is in Marina del Rey, a funky, hip, artsy  seaside harbor town close to the marina and about a mile from the beach. Venice Beach that is, also known as the famed Muscle Beach. Paul reasoned that since we were getting so much more work down in Southern California we should get a place and form a presence there. It is a live/work loft in a developing design community of architects, graphic artists and designers. I have not been inside yet, but I hear there is a roof top deck suited perfectly for outdoor dining, parties and barbecues.Within easy walking distance there are amazingly wonderful ethnic restaurants, Cineplex movie theatres, shops and boutiques.

A couple of weeks ago, Paul packed a trailer to take some furniture down there and since the kids are out of school, Eva and Mark went with him. While he was working, the kids explored the neighborhood, went to a movie and later out to dinner for sushi and Cambodian food. It was a brand new world for them and they were delighted to come home and tell the others about their experience. Now all the kids want to move there. How ironic. We can’t, of course, but we can certainly spend a lot of time there. It can be our home away from home. We plan to all make our first  trip together over Labor Day weekend.

When I was thinking about the kids excitement over the cool L.A. pad, I realized that it was more than just the attraction of fun and good times. It was because this place was ours. A home we can all call our own. That’s huge in a blended family. And a relief. Maybe now I can stop feeling so guilty.

Happy Father’s Day to all you dads and step dads out there.

Prenuptual Agreements. Paul and I never even discussed the need for a prenup.California is a community property state and since we were both bringing roughly the same amount of assets into the marriage  it did not seem necessary. What did concern me was the protection of my assets and my children’s inheritance in the event that I died before Paul. I was very direct about this with Paul and after conferring with my financial planner, told Paul my conditions on which I would agree to marry him. These safeguards would give all of us, me, Paul and the children, financial security and peace of mind. Since I was selling my house and giving Paul lots of money to start the remodel on his house, I asked that he add my name to the title on his house and he agreed. I also wanted a  trust and a will.

The trust was set up to protect the children. When either Paul or I died, half of our assets would go into the trust for our respective children. We each named an executor to oversee our  half.  We have right of survivorship to stay in the house which could only be sold with the permission of the executors and if so, half of the proceeds from the sale would go into the trust. If the surviving spouse remarried, the new spouse could not be added to the title. It all sounds tedious and complicated, but I wanted to avoid the horror stories I had heard where the wife dies, the husband remarries and then he dies and his new wife gets all the money and the kids get nothing. We also made sure that the assets would be divided equally among the five children rather than my two girls getting my half and Paul’s three kids getting his half. I thought that would create hard feelings and I did not want Paul’s children to feel short changed.

Life Insurance: Paul and I each took out additional life insurance policies on each other. This supplemented the life insurance policies we already had with our ex-spouses which were set up originally to benefit the children.

Wills: We had our attorney draw up a will that listed our assets like jewelry and family heirlooms and  who we would like to have them. I wanted to make sure my girls got things from my family and my first marriage and Paul did the same. We also had a living will to clarify our wishes in case either of us were to become incapacitated and could not make our own own decisions, particulary with regard to health. In addition, we stated our desire that in the event of our death, our ex-spouses would have full custody of our children and requested our ex-spouses would allow our surviving spouse to  still have visitation of each other’s children.

The Catch-22 in all of this was that we could not set up a trust until we were married. Since I was selling my house and giving Paul all my money  I wanted security.   Our wedding/family blending ceremony was planned for August 5th of 2006, but on April 25th of of that same year, we eloped and were legally married by the Justice of the Peace at the foot of the  lighthouse in the harbor. After the ceremony, we went out to dinner and then went home to our separate houses and kept the marriage a secret. It was odd living apart when we were actually married, but we both felt it was necessary in order to start planning our future together. Which anniversary do we celebrate? Both.