Today is our anniversary. But not really. We actually officially got married on April 25th, that is legally. We eloped. But today marks the 4th anniversary of our public family blending ceremony and we are alone. We’re going out to dinner. I can’t believe it has been four years already. In some ways it feels like 14 years. We’ve accomplished a lot except the house is still not finished!!&(*#$@@$!!!  I have slowly come to realize that it never will. I guess life is just one long work in progress.

Everywhere I go in my house, even in my car, I can look down at any given moment and see an orthodontic rubber band. You know those little 1/4 inch bands that most kids with braces have to wear at some point? With five kids in braces, we have a lot of those things lying around. Each time I find one, I can’t help but be reminded of the cost of raising five kids. Some people get excited when they pay off their student loans or their mortgage, I danced a jig of joy when I made my last orthodontist payment. Now to pay for college, car insurance, weddings… That’s another story. The kids are starting to get jobs to help pay the way a bit, and we are all doing our part to trim expenses as much as possible. Here are some strategies I have used lately that have helped cut a chunk off of our monthly budget.

First, I only shop at Marshalls. I took the kids there when we were in New Jersey this summer and we could not believe the deals. All the girls got stylin’ gladiator sandals for under $10. Cheryl found an O’Neill bathing suit for $7 and Sophia scored an American Eagle wool pea coat for $24. I told the kids, “From now on, that is where we will shop.” No more over priced mall designer stores. After all, why pay more when you can pay less?

Secondly, I canceled the house keeper. It killed me to do it, but I just could not justify the expense anymore. Now I pay the kids a small amount of chore money to clean their rooms and bathrooms and pick up the rest of the house, which is something they should have been doing all along.  I had justified the expense in the past because I was working full time and the kids were so busy with sports and homework. Now, we set aside two Saturdays a month to give the house a thorough cleaning and the money we save can go into a vacation account or toward some  other house hold expense.

Cook from scratch. If the kids want cookies they can make them themselves. Ditto for pizza and other snacks. Here are some recipe ideas from my Just Imaginate blog.

Make gifts and cards. This holiday season I plan to make as many as possible. I am starting now so that I have plenty of time.  Here are some homemade gift ideas also from my Just Imaginate blog.

Cooking/baking and making crafts  is a wonderful way to spend time together as a family. It is entertaining. It’s relaxing and it teaches kids the value of saving money.

Conventional blended family wisdom advises that when two separate families are combining into one household, it is recommended that they  find a neutral place to live, one that is new to everyone. This way everyone starts out on an equal playing field.  In a perfect world that would be ideal. In our situation, that was not possible. I sold my house and moved into Paul’s; the house he lived in with his ex- wife.

We made this decision based on a number of factors. For one thing, it was hard enough selling my house in a tough real estate market, let alone selling two. If we did buy a new place, our property taxes would have quadrupled. And finally, Paul was really attached to the house, having put a lot of sweat equity into it. We figured with the sale of my house, we could afford to remodel his  and make it our own. And we did. We added a new master bedroom and bath, a huge great room complete with a movie screen wall and wet bar, an art studio on the back of the property, a covered car port with a game room, remodeled the kitchen and repainted and refurnished the entire house.

Despite all of these accommodations the kids were often at odds with their new living environment. My kids missed their friends from the old neighborhood, even though they still saw them at school. (We only moved five minutes away, but it wasn’t the same.) And for the longest time they felt like they were guests in someone else’s house. Paul’s kids felt displaced and intruded upon especially since I brought a whole different parenting style with new rules and supervision they were not used to. My constant rearrangement of the kitchen cabinets was a sore point for just about everyone.  I was beginning to think that the kids were scarred for life and would never forgive us for the emotional trauma we had put them through until… we got our really cool L.A. pad. Read the rest of this entry »

Father’s Day, Mother’s Day and every other holiday in a blended family is always a day of negotiations, scheduling coordinations and emotional balancing acts. In our house Father’s Day is kind of like Christmas in terms of the many gifts we have to buy for the number of fathers we have to remember. My girls have one father, two step dads and two grandpas. We’d like to spend the day with all of them, but that is never possible. Grandpa Tom, my ex father-in-law,  lives in New Jersey. Pop Pop, Paul’s dad lives nearby and will be here for our family barbeque. Jared, my (gay)  ex, and his spouse, Keith have in years past spend Father’s Day with us, but this year have decided to do their own thing. They will take the girls, Sophia and Eva, out for brunch and bring them back this afternoon so they can celebrate with Paul, Pop Pop and the rest of the kids for dinner. Right now, Paul and I are off for a bike ride so we can have our own private celebration together. Then an afternoon of sailing followed by a family barbeque.

Happy Father’s Day to all you dads and step dads out there.

When Paul and I decided to get married, we pretty much threw our lot in together. In order to blend our large family, we made the decision to sell my house and remodel and move in to Paul’s. Conventional wisdom and stepparenting advice  books always suggest it is best to begin life as  a combined family by moving into a neutral house that is new to everyone.  That was not feasable for us. With the current real estate market being what it was, it was hard enough selling one house, let alone two. Paul was also very attached to his house which he had owned for 15 years and on which he had done extensive remodeling. The final contributing factor to our decision was the property tax structure in California. You pay a certain percent based on the purchase price of the home, so the taxes on a newly purchased  house would be so much higher today than the taxes on one you have owned for a while.

Prenuptual Agreements. Paul and I never even discussed the need for a prenup.California is a community property state and since we were both bringing roughly the same amount of assets into the marriage  it did not seem necessary. What did concern me was the protection of my assets and my children’s inheritance in the event that I died before Paul. I was very direct about this with Paul and after conferring with my financial planner, told Paul my conditions on which I would agree to marry him. These safeguards would give all of us, me, Paul and the children, financial security and peace of mind. Since I was selling my house and giving Paul lots of money to start the remodel on his house, I asked that he add my name to the title on his house and he agreed. I also wanted a  trust and a will.

The trust was set up to protect the children. When either Paul or I died, half of our assets would go into the trust for our respective children. We each named an executor to oversee our  half.  We have right of survivorship to stay in the house which could only be sold with the permission of the executors and if so, half of the proceeds from the sale would go into the trust. If the surviving spouse remarried, the new spouse could not be added to the title. It all sounds tedious and complicated, but I wanted to avoid the horror stories I had heard where the wife dies, the husband remarries and then he dies and his new wife gets all the money and the kids get nothing. We also made sure that the assets would be divided equally among the five children rather than my two girls getting my half and Paul’s three kids getting his half. I thought that would create hard feelings and I did not want Paul’s children to feel short changed.

Life Insurance: Paul and I each took out additional life insurance policies on each other. This supplemented the life insurance policies we already had with our ex-spouses which were set up originally to benefit the children.

Wills: We had our attorney draw up a will that listed our assets like jewelry and family heirlooms and  who we would like to have them. I wanted to make sure my girls got things from my family and my first marriage and Paul did the same. We also had a living will to clarify our wishes in case either of us were to become incapacitated and could not make our own own decisions, particulary with regard to health. In addition, we stated our desire that in the event of our death, our ex-spouses would have full custody of our children and requested our ex-spouses would allow our surviving spouse to  still have visitation of each other’s children.

The Catch-22 in all of this was that we could not set up a trust until we were married. Since I was selling my house and giving Paul all my money  I wanted security.   Our wedding/family blending ceremony was planned for August 5th of 2006, but on April 25th of of that same year, we eloped and were legally married by the Justice of the Peace at the foot of the  lighthouse in the harbor. After the ceremony, we went out to dinner and then went home to our separate houses and kept the marriage a secret. It was odd living apart when we were actually married, but we both felt it was necessary in order to start planning our future together. Which anniversary do we celebrate? Both.