We had a bit of drama at the Shwanda house last week. My daughter Sophia and my husband Paul got into a big argument on Tuesday night over something as innocuous as the TV (he wanted to watch the Olympics and she wanted to watch a reality show) and she just had a hissy fit. She stormed out of the great room, starting slamming things around, claimed she ” JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!” packed her bags and drove across town to go live with her father.  It was not her finest moment and it wasn’t mine either. She screamed some expletives at her step father, which she later came to regret, and I allowed myself to get caught in the middle when I should have been backing up my hubby. I got defensive. I let my “I’m-so-sorry-for-getting-divorced-and-remarried-and-making-you-move-guilt” get in the way of reason.

Sophia stayed at her dad’s for three nights. Just enough time for her to cool off and realize just how childishly behaved, and long enough for me to collect my thoughts and examine my own feelings, which I later conveyed to my daughter. I decided it was time for me to let go of my guilt. I had to stand firm and stick up not only for myself, but for my husband too. Paul is a great step father and while Sophia was gone he told me how often times he is hurt by her moodiness, aloofness and lack of appreciation for all that he does for our family. I listened openly to him and realized my own complicity in enabling my daughter to behave like a brat. So…. I had a long talk with Sophia on the phone. I knew she wanted to come home and that she was sorry. But that wasn’t enough. She had to understand why she behaved the way she did. At 16 she is not mature enough to articulate her feelings so without putting thoughts or ideas into her head, I guided her to coming to an understanding for the causes of her behavior. Here is what I told her.

I said, “Sophia, I know what you are feeling. I know you must be remembering the days when it was just the three of us, you, me and your sister, Eva, living in our old house.  We watched whatever we wanted on TV and no one ever objected. But you can’t turn back time. Things have changed. Now you live in a different house with 7 people and there is often conflict. Sooner or later, you are going to have conflict in your life. You will go away to college and have room mates, jobs with bosses and coworkers and some day, a family of your own. You just happened to have the conflict sooner rather than later, and learning how to negotiate relationships in a large family is good practice for your future.   Are you going to scream and throw tantrums at your boss or college professors? I don’t think so. I know you feel bad. I know you know you were wrong and now you have to say you are sorry. Admitting wrong doing and making restitution takes courage and maturity and I know you have it in you. Come home. I miss you.”

Sophia, to her credit, did just that. She came home and gave Paul a big hug. She told him she was sorry and he told her that he loved her, wanted her to be happy and would always be there for her.  That was Saturday afternoon and we had a great rest of the weekend. It was raining so Paul lit a fire in the study and all the kids sat around  listening to their iPods, reading or doing homework. Pop Pop came over for dinner on Sunday and we watched the Olympics and it was peaceful, quiet and relaxing. Wonderful.

We all gained something from this. I learned to let go of my guilt. Sophia learned to let go of her resentment and Paul got some things off his chest. It was definitely a turning point for all of us.

One post script I would like to add  is that Sophia’s  father, my ex-husband, remained neutral throughout all of this. He was there for Sophia to blow off steam and support her without taking sides. He did not, however, condone her behavior, nor did he at any time undermine mine or Paul’s authority. That is supportive co-parenting  and for that I applaud him.