I took all three girls shopping yesterday to Marshalls, a discount “labels for less” clothing store to spend their Christmas gift cards. We had gone to a Marshall’s in New Jersey when we went out to visit my sister Pam this past summer. We scored some great deals then and happened upon some awesome finds yesterday as well. Juicy Couture jackets for $30, marked down from $60. The girls went wild. And then they saw the most perfect pair of suede slouchy boots that all three of them wanted, but there was only one pair. First Cheryl, a size 6, tried them on and they fit. Then Sophia, a size 7, tried them on and they fit her too. And finally Eva, a size 8, tried them on and they fit her as well. They decided to split the cost of the shoes three ways and share them. Eva exclaimed, “It will be like the sisterhood of the traveling shoes!!” For those of you unfamiliar with the reference, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Sisterhood of Traveling Pants, Book 1) is a novel about four friends who alternate “owning” a pair of jeans that magically fits each of them perfectly. My girls have all read the book. I thought is was wonderful that they all came up with such a perfect solution. I can’t wait to see the schedule the come up with for taking turns for wearing the shoes.

In spite of my trepidations that things would go awry based on the pre-Christmas angst all the kids were experiencing, we ended up having a wonderful Christmas after all. Sophia and Eva woke up Christmas morning around 8:30 and I made breakfast for all of us.  Afterward Paul  lit a fire in the front room while we waited for his kids to return from their mother’s. The girls were a bit mellow and kind of funky, the excitement of “Let’s go open our presents!!!” was definitely not there. In a way they seemed kind of sad, but once their stepsibs arrived the mood elevated to joyous excitement. We all settled in the great room under the big tree and Cheryl was the self-appointed mistress of ceremonies and handed out the presents. Everyone took his or her turn in a very civilized fashion as we all savored the moment of giving and receiving. I especially liked watching the children open the gifts they bought for each other.  They have developed a genuine fondness and affection for each other and truly enjoyed sharing the excitement of the day.

Sophia and I spent all of Christmas Eve day baking cookies. She is the most sentimental of my two girls and her particular nostalgia these days centers around food. She wanted to make pizelles, which are Italian waffle cookies flavored with anise that my mother used to make. We borrowed the pizelle iron (kind of like a waffle iron) from my sister Jill who is the keeper of my mom’s pizelle iron. We followed my mom’s  recipe, written on an index card in her handwriting, and according to Sophia, “They turned out just like Grandmom’s.”  We also made snowball cookies and roll out pressed butter cookies with royal icing. Very fun and very yummy and lots of work.  Which is why we only make them once a year.

I didn’t want to announce my plans until they were finalized and yesterday I got word that I was officially accepted into graduate school. I will be getting my MS in Internet Marketing. I start in January. I am very excited about this. I have always regretted that I didn’t go to grad school right away after college, way back when, and have been toying with the idea of getting my master’s degree for years, but could never seem to settle on a concentration. Now that I am so heavily involved in the blogosphere and have always had a natural knack for marketing, publicity and sales, it all seemed like a natural fit. I have already started a marketing consulting business and have one client and possibly more. I am working up proposals for a few others. I would like to work with clients that have businesses that are meaningful to me and make a positive impact in the world. I look forward to promoting authors, (since I love to read) the green sector (I am currently working on getting my LEED AP) and anything having to do with food, health and nutrition since cooking and eating are my two favorite past times. Now that we are down to four kids, (Sam lives with his mom.) three cats, 1 dog, 1 fish and a bird, my life is a little less hectic. Paul and the kids said they will chip in as much as possible to ensure that I have more time to myself. Wish me luck.

I kept hoping this year’s Christmas would go off without a hitch. I really thought that we had finally worked out all the kinks. But no. There always seems to be something or someone who screws up the works.

As you might expect, blended family holidays, particularly Christmas, can be fraught with thwarted expectations and nostalgic remembrances of how things used to be when mom and dad were still married. Every family has its own traditions and blending them and finding a common ground is the hardest to do this time of year.

When I was a single mom my two girls always spent Christmas eve and woke up Christmas morning at my house. My ex would come over in time to watch them open their presents and we would all have breakfast and play with the new toys. There was no stress or drama and everyone was happy.

Things were a little different for Paul. When he was a single dad his kids spent Christmas eve at their mom’s and woke up Christmas morning at her house and he stayed at home alone. He didn’t get invited to go over to her house and he did not get to share in the joy of Christmas morning with his children. They would come to his house later in the afternoon, but it just wasn’t the same. Two years ago Paul decided he wanted this to change and told his ex he wanted his turn having the kids wake up Christmas morning with him. She was not happy about it, but went along with it when they decided they would alternate the holiday every year. I, in turn, made the same arrangement with my ex giving him his turn to have the kids on Christmas morning. (Are you keeping up? I know, it’s exhausting keeping track.)

This year was supposed to be our turn to have the kids wake up here on Christmas morning, but apparently Paul’s ex “forgot” and went ahead and make plans (without consulting us)  to go out of town on Christmas day with her boyfriend so she has to have the kids on Christmas eve and Christmas morning. She promised that next year we could have the kids. We went along with her request seein’s how she was going to bring the kids over at 10am on Christmas morning anyway, but here’s the wrinkle. My kids are still waking up here with us and when they get up they want to go to the tree and open their presents right away. They don’t want to have to wait until 10am when Paul’s kids come over, which is what Cheryl is insisting that we do. She accused Sophia of being rude for not waiting for them to come over so they can open presents as a family. While I appreciate Cheryl’s logic, I don’t think she is looking at the big picture. When she wakes up at her mom’s is she going to have to wait to open her presents? No. She was very insistent and would not listen to reason. This made all three girls cry. Sophia resented being called rude as well as the demands dictating how she spend her Christmas morning. Eva, who is very self-sacrificing and is  willing to wait until Paul’s kids came over, was upset that there was a conflict and said, “Why does everything have to be so hard?”  My sentiments exactly. Why does it have to be so hard? I’m weary. I’m weary of having to constantly negotiate, mediate and compromise. Dealing with the kids is one thing, but having to also accomodate  the demands of the ex-spouse is  frustrating and exhausting.

I tried to smooth things over the best I could and promised my girls I would talk to Paul when he came home to explain the situation so he could reason with Cheryl. I also suggested a compromise, “How about you open just a few presents” but neither side would budge. When I told Paul the whole story he backed me up and said he would talk to Cheryl.  (He hasn’t had a chance to do this yet because the kids went to their other parents’ on Friday.) Knowing this made my girls feel better. Still, I am dreading another confrontation. It makes me very sad.  I hope we can get past this and still enjoy our Christmas.

In the meantime, I did try to get Sophia to put things in perspective. Waiting to have to open your presents is better than not having presents to open. And Cheryl’s demands that she wait are borne of her own need to feel included and to not be left out.  After all, we are a family and families open their presents together. A conundrum that will take the wisdom of Solomon to solve. If you readers have any suggestions, thoughts or comments  I would love to hear them.

We had all the kids this past weekend and whenever we do, we always invite Paul’s dad, Pop Pop,  for Sunday dinner. I usually make a roast pork loin,  lasagna or some big feast-like family dinner. No buffet or eating in front of the TV. Everyone has to sit at the table. No one can eat until everyone is served and no one can be excused until everyone is finished eating. Afterward we sit and talk. Since we so enjoyed Pop Pop’s friend Lotus when she came for Thanksgiving, we asked him to bring her again. As I mentioned before, Lotus has had a rich and full life. She was once an actress in New York City and Hollywood and was married to Robert Altman, (director of M.A.S.H and Gosford Park) before he was famous. This past Sunday we learned more about her.

After dinner Sophia was sitting with us and had her American History book on the dining room table. Lotus asked her what she was studying and she replied, “Fat Man and Little Boy.” (These were the code names for the first atomic weapons developed during WWII.) “Oh,” she replied, “I dated the physicist who came up with the idea  to have the bombs implode rather than explode. He took me for a tour of his lab and he showed me some of the technology they were working on. Not the top secret stuff, but what he could show me.”  She went on to explain that he left on a secret mission and she never heard from him again. She told us his name, which we later Googled, but nothing turned up. Sophia was astonished. “You knew someone who worked on the Manhattan Project?” she asked in amazement. Lotus and Pop Pop, who is a veteran of both WWII and The Korean War, then went on to talk about the horrors of war. They gave Sophia their first hand experience of what they had lived through. It was a great opportunity for Sophia to learn “history” from those who experienced it when it was current events.

A few weeks ago when Pop Pop came to visit for Thanksgiving with his lady friend Lotus, (Remember her? She was the one who was once married to famed movie director Robert Altman.) she brought me a plant. Well, I never watered it and it died. I always forget to water plants. I feed the kids and the pets, I do the laundry, I go to work … I just never remember to water plants. When I realized my oversight, the plant was looking a little droopy so I kind of over watered it, drowning it and then it really took a turn for the worst.  Nice pot though. I put it in the shed with all the other pretty flower pots with dead plants in them to add to my collection. Someday when I retire I promise myself I will have time to garden. In the meantime, just give me cactus plants. I do much better with those.

If you moms and stepmoms are looking for a great holiday gift for all the dads and stepdads in your life, I highly recommend a wonderfully hilarious and warm hearted book I just finished reading: The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad by Joel Schwartzberg. It it a series of essays that are essentially slices of the life of a divorced dad with three children. When Joel asked me to review the book I was eager to see the subject of divorce and single parenting through  a man’s perspective and I was surprised that in many instances it was not that different from my own. Like Joel, I too worried that I had the “divorced” label tattooed to my head when I dropped off and picked up my kids from school alone. And then there’s  the dreaded back-to-school night.  I could really identify with his experiences and I found myself routing for him as he rebuilt his life, forged stronger bonds with his three children, established new family traditions and eventually found  love again with his second wife, Anne. Joel’s self-deprecating and insightful humor reminded me a lot of another of my favorite “dad” authors, Dave Barry, which only goes to show you that being divorced doesn’t stop you from being a great parent. Kudos to Joel Schwartzberg for not only penning a delightful book, but for being a terrific dad as well. To read more about Joel click here.

We got our Christmas tree on Saturday. The kids had been looking forward to it all week. We had such a wonderful time picking it out.  This is our fourth Christmas together as a blended family. It has really become quite a joy to watch the children cherish their new family traditions. We went to our usual cut-it-yourself tree farm, but they did not have the size of tree we wanted. Apparently we got the biggest tree last year. Instead we went to another tree farm and in spite of the rain,  had a blast finding just the right tree. We got a cypress. No needles. Full and thick with lots of stiff branches to hang our combined collection of ornaments. When we got home, Paul and the boys put it in the stand and anchored it to the wall (a necessary precaution  here in earthquake country) and we all decorated it. Sophia and Mark thought the tree needed more lights so they made  a run to the store to get some more. Everyone had their input, particularly me who went through all the boxes of decorations to make sure all the important ones got on the tree. Each ornament has a story and a sentimental memory. The cinnamon dough ornaments my girls made in kindergarten, the painted ceramic ones Cheryl made in preschool and the “Baby’s first Christmas” ornaments that were gifts from friends and relatives. I even have decorations I made with my mother when I was a child. All those memories,  past, present and future, are on that tree. It is that one constant that makes every Christmas “The best Christmas ever!”

The next day the children went Christmas shopping together to buy presents for each other. This is another blended family tradition we started. Rather than Paul and I shopping for all the kids’ gifts, we give them money and let them do it themselves. They really get into the spirit of giving and this year was especially poignant because somehow Cheryl lost a big portion of her money and was quite upset. The other children all chipped in to give her what they had left over so she could finish her shopping and Sophia consoled her by saying, “Let’s just imagine that the person who found it was someone who really needed it.” I think having the love and support of your family is the greatest Christmas gift of all.”

This morning while I was cooking breakfast and packing lunches, I  reflected back on my life and thought of all the jobs and skills I have learned over the years that have prepared me for my current role of mom/stepmom to five children. I was once a waitress, a bartender, a cashier, a hotel laundress and a chambermaid. One job I never held was that of a short order cook. BUT I AM  ONE NOW. I’m also a taxi driver (although not so much now that the three oldest are driving), family therapist (lots of territory covered there), event and party planner, tutor, personal shopper and accountant. Oh,  I almost forgot: and cheerleader too. Read the rest of this entry »