When it came to parental discipline, my mom was kick ass. No one messed with her. Not even my 6′2″ brother or his friends who towered a foot over her. It wasn’t because she was mean or particularly authoritarian, it was simply because she meant what she said and she never backed down. Ever. And I mean, EVER. She never blinked. As a result, me and my siblings, with the exception of my middle sister Pam and her long-haired-motorcycle-riding-boyfriend, pretty much did what she said. (Years later my mom and I had a conversation about why she never came down harder on my sister Pam. She explained, ” I didn’t want to break her spirit.” She  recognized that a healthy dose of rebellion was  a good thing, and that questioning authority would bolster her from falling victim to the prey of say, Hare Krishnas at the airport or Moonies at the bus station.) My mother’s firm stance as a disciplinary guru gave original  meaning to the words, “Because I said so.”  I think she coined the phrase. And I have employed these techniques and strategies with my own children to much success. How? Because I give good follow through.

For example, I can remember very clearly one day a while ago walking into a grocery store and running into a friend of mine at the check out stand. She and her 5-year-old daughter were in a heated discussion over her daughter’s choice of a candy bar. Her mother had told her  she could have one and the child wanted two. There were lots of tears and ruminations over what to choose and I got the impression this had been going on for quite some time. The mom looked at me imploringly and asked, “What do I do?” And I thought, “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME?”  But instead I said, “You tell her quite emphatically that ‘She can have one, or none. Period.’ And if she gives you a hard time, you put all the candy back, whisk her out of the store and she gets nothing. Next time there won’t be any whining.” She did it and it worked. The kid got the message.

Now I don’t want to sound sanctimonious or self-righteous here,  and as my beloved late mother used to caution, “Never comment on or criticize other people’s kids or parenting skills because you never know how your kids are going to turn out.”,  but the basic premise of good parenting is not that hard …  it is the enforcement that is killer.  Which brings me to the point of this whole discussion.

I would have to say that the biggest challenge of blending families, at least for our family, is the assimilation of diverging parenting styles. I myself come from the school of sit-up-straight-don’t-talk-with-your-mouth-full-turn-off-the-TV-do-your-homework-and-get-that-smirk-off-your-face  camp,  and my darling husband falls more into the category of if-they-want-to-roll-their-clothes-into-a-ball-under-the-bed-why-does-it-matter- philosophy.  So you can see my frustration. Especially since the kids are with me most of the time. I have learned for the sake of family harmony, and for my own sanity, to let a lot of things slide. But the one thing that I am  most adamant about is the “One or None” philosophy, aka “Because I said so.”, which boils down to, “I mean what I say and I say what I mean.” Direct messages with direct consequences are the best tools for disciplining your children. Don’t back down. And don’t blink.