Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Marine, the mom and stepmom duo who cowrote the book No One’s the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for the Mother and Stepmother Relationship about how they overcame the often contentious and adversarial relationships moms and stepmoms face, will be on Dr. Phil tomorrow so tune in. We are all cheering for them. Way to go Jennifer and Carol. I believe Jennifer’s ex, Carol’s husband is also on the show. Should be interesting. I told my daughter to get a ride to soccer practice so I can stay home to watch it.

I’m getting started early. Aside from my usual spend less/save more and lose 20 pounds, I am determined to start and complete my book. This task just got easier because I have finally settled on the format I would like it to take.  I don’t want to give too much away, but I will definitely be including blended family stories and experiences from my readers. Sooo… if you haven’t done so already, please take my blended family survey and if I want to learn more about your situation, I will be in touch. Thanks in advance for all your help.

This past Thanksgiving was just about the best ever. I really enjoyed the planning and preparations leading up to the event and did not feel rushed, overwhelmed or overworked. I took off the day before and baked pies, peeled potatoes and made some side dishes. The kids really got into the festivities too and helped out. Sophia took charge of the appetizers and the mashed potatoes. Paul and the boys  foraged through the garden for trimmings to make the center piece and everyone helped to set the table. My sister Jill also came over early to  lend a hand.

The meal was fantastic and afterward I relaxed in the great room with a glass of wine while the kids cleaned up. The highlight for me, however, was Pop Pop’s  guest. Pop Pop  is Paul’s 89-year-old dad who lives close to us in a retirement home and comes over quite often. He told us he was bringing a lady friend. This was someone new and we all took guesses  on what her name might be  throwing out Depression era names like Gertrude, Marge, Rose and Helen (my guess.) We also conjured mental pictures of what she looked like. Paul said she would have blue hair. I said maroonish red. And what would she be like? Some of Pop Pop’s lady friends have been, how should I say this?, low in the intellect department, or just kind of nervous and fretful. Not this time.

Her name was Lotus. Lotus Monroe and she was an absolute delight. She arrived with a hostess gift of a potted plant in disheveled wrapping and when she handed it to me she self-effacingly joked, “Now you can see why I got fired from my job in the gift wrapping department at Macy’s.” A sense of humor. Loved her.

It turns out Lotus has had lots of jobs, which she talked about throughout the course of the evening. She was once an actress in Hollywood and New York City, having worked in films and on stage. She also produced television shows. She’s sold trust deed investments and, as it turns out, we both worked for the same wretched boss so we had lots of stories to share there. The most fascinating part of her past was that she was once married to Robert Altman, the famed movie director of such remarkable films as The Player, Short Cuts and Gosford Park. This nugget of information she dropped quite nonchalantly as in, “My second husband was a movie director.” “Oh really? What was his name?” I inquired. “Robert Altman.” She told us all about her life with him, which is recounted in a recently published Altman biography Robert Altman: The Oral Biography

We all decided Lotus was a keeper and gave her an open invitation to come to dinner whenever Pop Pop is invited. Not only did Paul and I thoroughly enjoy her company, we also felt she was such a great role model and an example of what it means to live a rich, full life.  And for that we are all truly thankful for.

Ian is on the left

Ian, our rock star tenant who has been on tour the last 2 1/2 months, just returned home. His band is called Dirty Penny and he is an up and coming star. We love Ian.  Ian, aka, Johnny Prince, which is  his stage name, is like family to us. He lives in an apartment on our property and he is without at doubt  the best tenant we have ever had. He is a kind person; very polite, with impeccable manners. He has  real class. What I love the most about Ian is his camaraderie with and affection for the children. They look up to him. He’s cool. He’s passionate about his music and he is a very hard worker, which is a terrific role model for young children.

The night Ian returned, Sophia was in the back yard listening to her Ipod and jumping on the trampoline and she stopped to talk to him to update him on all that he missed while he was gone. She told me later, “Mom, Ian really missed a lot. He missed Paul’s birthday, Mark’s birthday, your birthday and Cheryl’s. And he missed me and Mark and Sam getting our driver’s license. He missed out on all the fun.”  All the fun. I love that. Not only does she treat him like he’s a member of the family, she also acknowledges that we as a family, have fun. This same daughter can’t wait to make pies for  Thanksgiving and get the big tree for Christmas. These are all significant milestones in forming bonds and traditions with our new, blended family. (Which Ian is now a  part of.)  And that really warms my heart.

Often times I feel like my life is one big negotiation. Every day I seem to be holding my cards close to the vest deciding which ones to play, when to bluff and when to fold. For instance,  yesterday morning Paul went out the front door to get the paper and banged himself in the nose with the door because I had left the chain on, he didn’t realize it and slammed the door in his face. Ouch. At dinner last night he asked me, “When you lock the front door, could please not put the chain on?” My response was that I always put the chain on, especially when he is out of town. It makes me feel safe. It is a habit I got into when I was a single mother. And then I thought, “Why do I have to change? Why can’t you just remember that I do this, check before opening the door and this way you won’t bonk your forehead again? ” You’d think if he did this once he’d remember.

He conceded. I won that battle. Just as I sort of did over the issue of the area rug in front of the kitchen sink. I don’t like area rugs because I always trip over them and I see them as just one more thing that I have to clean. But Paul was insistent that we have one so we got one and when it wore out, I threw it out. He keeps asking me when I am going to replace it and I tell him I haven’t found any that I like. But the truth is, that rug is never coming back.

Now I’ve made my share of compromises too in the cohabitation department. Or have I? Let me think for a moment. Yes. Actually it is more on the tolerance level. For instance, I have learned to overlook his toothpaste spit on the bathroom towels, the crumbs he leaves behind on the dining room table and the sunflower seeds I find all over my car. (Oh and I can’t forget the lint from his pants pockets that always ends up on my dresser.) These are things that I have learned to overlook because as an adult, I know in the big picture, they are not that important. But through the eyes of a child, they are HUGE.

I’ll never forget when we were first contemplating the move Eva asked me, “Are we going to smell like them?” Smell like them??? She went on to explain that every family smells differently. We figured it was mostly because of the bath soap and laundry detergent they used combined  with various food smells. Eva was insistent that she did not want to smell like them. And I assured her we would still smell like ourselves.

What it all comes down to in a kid’s mind, and often in an adult’s mind, is: Who has the power and the control? Just as I wondered last night  to Paul, “Why do I have to change? Why can’t you just remember to take the chain off before you open the door?” My sense of autonomy was impugned. I didn’t want to be challenged on something so trivial to him that was so important to me. And he took it like a man and let me have my way because he knew that my sense of security was worth the risk of him hitting himself in the nose with the door.

I continue to hope that I am modeling to my children the life skills they will need to become thoughtful, considerate adults so that they not only learn  how to assert themselves  for the issues that are most important to them, but  also see things through other people’s  perspective.  It’s called negotiation. It’s called Democracy. It doesn’t always seem fair, but sometimes you just have to compromise. Even if it means smelling (just a little) like them.

I got a lovely thank you email today from a woman, a stepmom to a 5 year old boy, whom I will call SR. She wanted to tell me how much she appreciated reading my blog and how much it helped her. I want to say thank you in return, not only to her for being one of my loyal readers, but to everyone else who tunes in on a regular basis. Knowing I have such a wonderful, appreciative fan base makes writing this blog that much more gratifying to me. Thanks a bunch. And Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

These past few days Eva has had her friends over for various activities. There was the soccer party on Saturday and then on Sunday I taught a craft class in my art studio for a bunch of Eva’s friends. On both occasions I got to eavesdrop on the girls’ conversations as if I were a fly on the wall and they had forgotten that I was there. I learned all about the girls who dress like sluts, how much they like/hate school. How much they like/hate boys. And how much they like/hate just about everything else. And of course, they all love Zak Efron and some other music CD that Eva says she will love for all of eternity. (I can’t remember that one.)

Most of this talk I kind of tune out as adolescent chatter and let go in one ear and out  the other. ( I do, however, draw the line when I hear mean things said about other girls. I don’t care  how slutty they dress.) My ears perked up though when I heard Eva’s friends gushing over how much they liked our house. “You’re sooo lucky. You’ve got such a cool room. I wish I had a trampoline. Wow, what a cool art studio!”  Eva’s friends oohed and awed as they walked through the house.

And it’s true. Thanks to my handy engineer do-it-yourself husband with his passion for renovation, we do have an awesome house. There’s a gigantic great room with a large wall for projecting movies. An outdoor fireplace, a carport/game room complete with ping pong table and pool table, a hot tub, a trampoline and a separate art/craft studio (with radiant floor heating) that my husband built for me when we got married. Do my kids appreciate any of this? Not to my knowledge.

You see, I had to drag them kicking and screaming into this house. They. Did. Not. Want. To. Move. Period. The divorce was no where near as upsetting as the trauma of the remarriage and subsequent move. They missed their old house. We were a family there. Their dad had built them a play house in the back yard and they had chosen the colors for their rooms. They mourned the loss of what used to be and romanticized something that was never really that great. Mommy and Daddy weren’t very happy there. The standing water under the house made it moldy, the pastel pink that looked great on the paint chips looked like Pepto- Bismol on the walls,  and they never actually played in the play house because it was too hot and too small. Can I tell them that? Nope.

I think, I hope, that Eva got a different perspective when she heard how much her friends envied her. Sometimes that’s all it takes, a different point of view to make you realize just how lucky you are.

Eva is in 8th grade and she and her friends have been playing soccer with each other (and coached by the same coaches)  on the same soccer team since kindergarten. This year is probably the last year they will play together since next year the team in their age category becomes Under 19 and is co-ed. Since most of the girls don’t want to do that, they will mostly likely discontinue playing. They’ll be in high school and probably pursue other interests. Saturday was the last game and we had the final party at our house. I made my usual soccer cake, which has become a tradition. Eva and her friends jumped on the trampoline, sat by the outdoor fireplace and reminisced over old times. It is truly the end of an era.I got a little choked up.

Here is a great program I just heard about that I want to share with you.—

With the holiday season fast approaching, many good people are getting ready to do the good work of helping families and communities in need. VolunteerSpot — a free online planning tool — has joined with the Arbor Day Foundation to make participating in this season’s service activities easier than ever.

Whether it’s class parents planning food drives or nonprofits and congregations preparing for community meals, toy drives and charity bazaars, VolunteerSpot’s free online sign-up tool makes it easy for any group to sign up and coordinate volunteers. And in this tough economic climate, volunteering will play an even more crucial role in ensuring a brighter season for struggling families and communities.

“I think most people want to give back, especially this time of year. VolunteerSpot has been very helpful in coordinating volunteers for our Backpacks of Food program.” Said Pastor Brad O’Brien of Summit Church in Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina.  Backpacks of Food is a hunger intervention partnership between the church and local elementary school where volunteers fill children’s backpacks with food for the weekend so they can eat healthy while they aren’t at school. Its volunteers are among the more than 100,000 people using VolunteerSpot across the country.

About the Giving Tree Giveaway

As part of this effort to promote holiday volunteering, Arbor Day Foundation and VolunteerSpot are teaming up for a Giving Tree Giveaway.  Plan any local holiday service activity on VolunteerSpot, and the Arbor Day Foundation will plant a tree in your name in a fire-damaged national forest. “The trees we plant will be lasting symbol of service to generations to come,” said Kevin Sander, director of corporate partnerships for the Arbor Day Foundation.

“Giving to others is the true spirit of the holidays, but in this economy, one of the most important things we can all give is service,” said Karen Bantuveris, VolunteerSpot founder and CEO. “VolunteerSpot wants service to be easier – which is why we created our online tools – and this holiday season we want service to have a double benefit by giving back to our nation through replanting our national forests.”

To get a tree planted, register a new account at VolunteerSpot and plan a holiday service activity. Just add the word “TREE” where we ask what type of group you organize, and be sure to invite at least four volunteers. Once completed, VolunteerSpot and the Arbor Day Foundation will plant a tree in your group’s name in fire-damaged national forests. Happy holidays from VolunteerSpot and Arbor Day Foundation!

Please visit VolunteerSpot’s website to learn more about the Giving Tree Giveaway and see examples of holiday service ideas: http://www.VolunteerSpot.com/ebooks/GivingTree .

Last week when the kids had off from school for Veteran’s Day, I took them bowling at the Santa Cruz  Boardwalk Bowl, a formerly skanky joint with pervs hanging out in the bar, that it is now under new management, has been completely remodeled and is finally what it should be:  a fun, happenin’ place to take your family. Even though the snack bar still serves  greasy pizza and nachos with fake cheese,  it also offers healthy alternatives like garden salads topped with roasted chicken and Napa Valley wines.  In addition, the scoring system is completely computerized, which is a godsend to someone like me who never quite understood how you could bowl a  300 game  when you only have the opportunity to knock down 10 pins 10 times. Doesn’t that add up to 100 points? (Please don’t try to explain it to me. Others have tried and failed.) Read the rest of this entry »