Years before I ever dreamed of getting divorced I remember reading about Demi Moore’s and Bruce Willis’ s divorce  and admiring both of  them for the really positive way they handled it. Every time I saw them photographed as a family, (now with really cool stepdad Ashton Kutcher), they all seemed so happy. Of course, appearances can be deceiving I know, but the very fact that they attend events together, like movie premieres, speaks volumes about their ability to settle their differences as a couple and still remain united as a family. The Willis/Moore/Kutcher clan are my role models.  I vowed to myself that if I ever got divorced, I would be like Demi and Bruce, and make sure my children’s happiness always came first. Now that I am divorced and remarried, here are some of the guidelines I suggest to help improve and keep family harmony:

1. Always have an open door policy where visitation and custody are concerned. Even though arrangements are made for physical custody based on school and work schedules, holidays and geographic concerns (i.e. parents live far apart), you can still have what I call an “open door connection”. A child should be able to contact their non-custodial parent whether it be by phone, email or letter, whenever they want to, and vice versa. By now everyone has heard of Alec Baldwin’s blowup at his daughter Ireland when she did not answer her cell phone when he called her. He wrote  about his custody struggle with his ex-wife Kim Basinger in his book, A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce He explained that he could not just call his daughter whenever he wanted to. He had court ordered times that were arranged in advance.  Often  times a shooting schedule would run over time and he would rush out to call her only to have her not answer the phone. He did not feel that his ex-wife was supporting him in his effort to communicate with their daughter and when Ireland did  not answer the phone that time, he just exploded taking out his frustrations at his ex-wife on their daughter. Although I don’t condone Mr. Baldwin’s actions, I can certainly understand and sympathize with his behavior. As co-parents you can avoid this type of meltdown by not letting it happen in the first place.

2. Don’t make the kids take sides.

3. Allow them the freedom to like and welcome other adults into their lives.

4. Never trash or criticize  your ex in front of your kids. The best way to avoid this is to find middle ground as much as possible.  I know sometimes this can be a stretch particularly in the case of the most contentious divorces, but try. Make sure you discuss all of your differences when the kids are not around.

5. Above all. Make sure your kids know that even though their parents live apart, they will always be a family.