“Are you doing your Kegels?” she asked.

“Yes.” I lied. It wasn’t a total lie since there was a time in my life when I did them religiously. They just never helped. After two difficult pregnancies with babies who did back flips on my bladder, I was in a weak spot, if you know what I mean. And besides, who has time to do them now?  I must confess I’ve never been a particularly coordinated person, so contracting my vaginal muscles while doing my grocery shopping is too much of a distraction for me and not part of my skill set. Rather than have to admit this to my gynecologist, I lied. “Is there anything else I could be doing?”

“Get some Depends.” (I can’t wait to see the Google Ads that show up on this page.) So I did.

Do I really want/need to talk about middle age incontinence on my blog  and is this too much information? Or can you all relate and will you feel a sense of kinship (or I dare invoke that quaint over used Hilary word “sisterhood”)  with me  if I share my story?

It all started one summer about five years ago when I visited my sister Pam in New Jersey. We took our  kids to a water park on the Ocean City Boardwalk. (Was it Ocean City or was it Margate? I can’t remember. My memory’s going too.) A brief background on my relationship with my older sister.   Suffice it to say that my sister Pam is a goof.  She and I have always been very close and have a long history of inside jokes that only we think are funny. They are even funnier when we pee ourselves laughing. Let me see if I can describe this moment since it has “You had to be there.” written all over it.

Pam and I  were at the top of the water slide struggling with  our inability to “mount”  a 2 person, figure-8 shaped  raft. With the uncoordinated grace of  water buffalo, we kept falling off,  which was embarrassing enough until the the tweener boys behind us started to whine with impatience. “Come on lady. You’re holding up the line!” With that I took one look at my sister and we were both  overcome with  uncontrollable, body shuddering, belly aching laughter that left us unable to speak and gasping for air. I felt like my lips and tongue were rubber and the words I was trying to say were coming out in slow motion like a 45 rpm record played at 33 rpm.

Pam spoke first. “Stop… Stop… Don’t… Make… Me… Laugh… I’m going …to pee… in the pool.”

Overwhelmed by the ridiculous hilarity of the situation,  I choked back, “I…. already… did.”

It’s true. I peed in the pool. Now you know.

So why do I bring this up? I’m determined to get back into my bikini body. I figure if Valerie Bertinelli can do it, so can I. We are about the same age. Did you see those photos of Helen Miren in a bikini? The best way for me to do this is to take up running again which can be a problem for someone like me who has to cross my legs when I sneeze. I am planning to run the Wharf to Wharf Race in July and I need to get in shape. I want to lose 20 pounds and when I do, I will post a photo of myself in a bikini on my blog.

One final note: I am planning another trip to New Jersey this summer to visit my sister Pam and we intend to visit the same water park. This  time I’ll be wearing my Depends.