Sophia turns 16  this week and we had a beach bonfire party for her yesterday. She invited many friends, all lovely girls (there was one boy, also very nice) and we had a wonderful time. Paul and I were there, as well as Keith and Jared, and all of our kids, with the exception of Sam.

I was so proud of Sophia watching her interact with her friends who are all very much like her: poised, confident, academic young women with lofty goals and high aspirations. Most are on the UC/private college track and some I am sure will be accepted to Ivy League schools. If I sound like I am bragging I apologize, but I feel like I have a right to considering the many obstacles Sophia has had to overcome. Read the rest of this entry »

The CA State’s Supreme Court’s decision yesterday to uphold Proposition 8 was a big disappointment for me and everyone in support of same sex marriage. I felt the same shock and outrage when I heard the verdict in the OJ Simpson murder trial. That was  not a real surprise either, as that was what was predicted, but it was  still a bitter pill to swallow. As we all know, eventually justice was served in that case when the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown were awarded civil damages against Simpson. It was the Goldman’s relentless pursuit of claiming their award that led Simpson to commit armed robbery to supposedly get back property that he says was stolen from him. Simpson was convicted and sentenced to 33 years in prison, which at his age, is the rest of his life. My point in drawing this analogy is to show that what first appears as defeat, can eventually lead to victory. And if Arnold Schwarzenegger can go on the Tonight Show and say  the upholding of Proposition 8  is bullshit, so can I.

This  is what I predict will happen in the case of same sex marriage. Proponents will offer up another ballot initiative legalizing same sex marriage. It will pass and opponents will not be able to go to the State Supreme Court to overturn it using the argument that a ballot initiative is unfair, since yesterday’s decision stated that it is.

I want my readers  to know that  I do not intend for my blog to become a political forum. (I know, too late.)  I have made a concerted effort to never  discuss religion or politics because I feel that those topics can be very divisive and controversial and I don’t want to alienate people. I am here for everyone.  I  don’t care if you are a religious right conservative or a liberal atheist, (not that all liberals are atheists, mind you) the parenting issues we face together as members of blended families are universal and that, in my opinion extends to same sex couples’ families as well. If you are familiar with my story you know that I have a gay ex-husband. Click here and here to learn more. If you don’t agree with me, all I am asking of you is to listen to my story. Cut me some slack. Open your hearts. Open your minds. And let’s all focus on our families. Amen.

This is a photo of Zip sitting on top of Eva’s Algebra book.

I went to see Startrek over the weekend and I loved it!!! I highly recommend it. However, what I am referring to here is not the final frontier of space, but rather the final stages of our home remodel. When Paul and I decided to get married 3 1/2 years ago, we agreed I would sell my house and we would remodel Paul’s. We started the remodel in March of 2006 with a completion target date of July 2006, a month before our wedding. Hah! When Eva, Sophia and I moved in in September of 2006 (yes, that’s a month after the wedding) the back of the house still had no walls or heat. Eva and Sophia, who were used to having their own rooms, had to double up (horrors!)  because the hardwood floors had not yet been installed in Sophia’s room. (This is a real tragedy when you figure that Sophia is a neatnik and Eva is a slob.) Read the rest of this entry »

Eva and Sophia are vegetarians so I am always looking for tasty non meat recipes the whole family can enjoy. This quiche is easy to make, adaptable to many different kinds of cheeses and vegetables, and can be served as a main dish or a side dish, for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Read the rest of this entry »

Here is a a wonderful little book I keep meaning to tell you about. The 312 Best Things About Being a Stepmom: For those days when you can only come up with one or two on your own. by Cynthia Copeland,  is kind of like Chicken Soup for the stepmom soul filled with little gems of wisdom and smart advice compartmentalized into chapters dealing with a variety of situations such as: the stepmom with her own kids, a stepmom without kids, and coming to be a stepmom either through divorce or widowhood.  The author talks about “The Phases of a Step Family” starting with the Brady Bunch/Sound of Music Phase, then The Reality Check Phase, followed by The Crazy/Hazy Days, the Coming Together Phase and finally, the Commitment Phase. So much of what I read in this book mirrored my own experience and has been very helpful for me in finding my own path as a stepmom. For instance, in the Chapter title 10 Secrets of Happy Stepmothers, she advises new stepmoms to be more like an aunt rather than  a stepmom. Let your husband do all the disciplining and rule enforcement. Another pearl: Give yourself permission to not love them right away.

Paul and I both enjoy this book  and have developed an unspoken ritual for sharing it with each other.  I keep the book on my night stand and periodically we will both skim through the book, find a passage we want both liked and then keep the book open to that page so the other can find it and read it later.

It has been called to my attention that if you Google “gay ex-husband”, my blog comes up first. Number One on the World Wide Web. Isn’t that something? This is my claim to fame — or notoriety, depending on how you look at it.  How many people would kill for that kind of ranking? All kidding aside, I am glad in a way. I wrote a separate page for my blog, My Gay Ex-Husband, because I knew there had to be other women out there who were grappling with the shock of discovering that their husband’s were gay and would have  no idea where to turn for comfort, support, answers and direction.  So in solidarity, I wrote about my experiences so these women everywhere would know they were not alone.

As you might imagine, I have had a lot of emails from women from all over the country. They don’t post comments on my blog, but they do write to me. I would never publish their letters and I never discuss what they tell me, even with my husband (who forgets everything I tell him anyway), but I would like to offer to my reading public the gist of  these letters since there is an uncanny similarity to all of them. Here are some of their frequently asked questions:

#1. How did you get over it? How did you get past the pain, humiliation and anger so that you could move on with your life?

This is a biggie. How does anyone get over anything? A failed marriage is a failed marriage and there is no guarantee that I would not have gotten divorced if I had married a straight guy. Still I was pretty pissed when you figure that if I had married a straight guy I might have had a better shot at staying married. I felt like I had no control over the situation, which was frustrating and, oddly, also liberating. It was not my fault. Given the information that was presented to me at the time of my marriage, I felt like I had made a good decision. I was given a free pass.

#2. How did you forgive?

This is kind of tied into the first question, but let me elaborate a bit. I think one of my best character traits (if I may so so myself) and  traits we as a democratic, civilized society can use a little more of, is my compassion, empathy and the ability to see through someone else’s perspective. Intellectually I knew that we live in a society that demonizes homosexuality. Rick Warren, the pastor who said the opening prayer at Obama’s inauguration, has likened homosexuality to bestiality and pedophilia.  It is no wonder gay people feel oppressed, ostracized and the need to closet their sexuality. In that context, I couldn’t blame my gay ex-husband, Jared, for attempting to deny his true sexual identity. It made me more understanding and hence, more forgiving.

#3. What did you tell the kids?

I told them the truth, warts and all. I told them I was sad, but I made it clear to them that even though I was down, I was not out. I firmly believe children take their cues from their parents and if I could recover, they could too.  I explained to them that we had to let Daddy go to be happy, which is the greatest gift anyone can give to anyone. Dad would still be in our lives, he just was not going to live with us anymore. (Although he came over for dinner many times those first few months.) I told them that there is nothing wrong with being gay, but many people do not share our acceptance and openness about it. To this day, the girls are very selective with whom they confide in about their father being gay.

#4. How did you find happiness again?

I found it mostly because I wanted to, but not until I had given myself sufficient time to grieve,which is a very important part of the healing process. When you avoid pain by not processing it, you can not get over it. After an initial scoundrel period in which I rushed into dating in order to fill the void in my life, I eventually realized that I needed time alone in order to come to terms with what I really wanted out of life and to discover what would make me truly happy.

#5. Where did you turn to for support?

My first action, after I poured my heart out to my friends, was to get professional counseling. I made a few inquiries and found a very supportive therapist who had experience in dealing with exactly what I was going through.  In addition, I searched the Internet and found The Straight Spouse Support Network ,founded my Amity Pierce Buxton, whose husband came out in the ’70’s. Amity was sweet enough to email me and I talked on the phone with members from the local chapter. I also read several books that were very helpful and made me realize that I was neither crazy nor alone. Here are a view titles: Pretzel Logic: A Novel , The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families, Revised and Expanded Edition and  My Husband Is Gay: A Woman’s Survival Guide.

It has been more than ten years since Jared, my ex, first confessed to me that he was gay, and quite frankly, I rarely think about it anymore. My days now are filled with loving and enjoying my new husband, our busy lives as a blended family, working on our family business and, now that the kids are older and more independent, fulfilling and pursuing my own dreams.

There was a time in my life when I never left the house without wearing lipstick. These days I feel I’m lucky if I get out the door wearing clothes. At the risk of feeling sorry for myself, I can’t help but wonder what it is like to have just two kids who go to one school and live in one house vs. what I do have, which is five kids who go to four schools and commute among three households. Yesterday was a particularly shitty day. I put on my  fat pants (which smelled like mildew because I let them sit in the washer for two days) and they were snug (fuck!), I noticed  weird, long, stray hairs on my chin (Paul’s getting them in his ears. I keep forgetting to tell him.) and Eva’s science grade  plummeted even more. I asked her why she keeps forgetting to turn in her work and she shrugged and said, “Why do people trip?” How do I argue with that kind of logic?

I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. The world felt like it was spinning around me and I knew I needed a breather and some reassurance from someone that I was not a BAD MOTHER.  As if the timing could not have been more perfect, author Ayelet Waldman was doing a reading and book signing for her new book, Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace at our local book store. It was a kid free night so Paul and I had dinner downtown and then headed over to the book signing. Listening to her talk about her own bad mother experiences (her youngest son keeps getting suspended from kindergarten) made me realize that I was not alone.  I now no longer feel guilty that I don’t sew angel wings on costumes or feign interest in my tweener daughter’s stories about the weird kid in her class who eats paper. If you want to hear Ayelet  tell it herself, click here.

Last  Friday night Paul and I had dinner with some clients (clients who are fast becoming friends) at a really cool restaurant in Santa Monica called Wilshire — a very cool, hip, happening L.A. eatery. It was kind of loud and rowdy when we first walked in, but we had a private room which was very special. There were six of us; three couples. We really enjoyed the intimate setting, the wonderful food, the eclectic decor and each other’s company. Paul had the seared scallops and I had the lemongrass risotto. Very, very good. We dined for hours. The service was attentive without being solicitous, which made for a relaxing and enjoyable evening.

I got an email last week from Eva’s science teacher telling me that she has not turned in three assignments and they will not be accepted late. Consequently, her grade went from an A to a C. I was very dismayed by this, but I understand her teacher’s need to prepare her students for the real world in which teachers and employers are not so understanding. The frustrating part for me is that I know Eva did the work, ahead of time in fact, but just forgot to hand it in. When I asked Eva about it she said she left her science notebook at my house when she went to her dad’s house and realized when she got to school that it wasn’t in her back pack. I told Eva that I thought I should make a plea to the teacher to consider her special circumstances since she commutes between two households. What she said in response both surprised me and filled me with pride.

“Don’t do it, Mom.” Eva pleaded with me. “I was the one who messed up. Why should I get special treatment?”

“Because you live in two houses and that can be very chaotic and confusing sometimes.” I reasoned.

“Mom, half the kids in the class live in two houses.”

Point taken. The sad reality is that most kids do live in two households. The happy reality is that my daughter is coping, adjusting and taking ownership and responsibility for her mistakes. As a divorced parent, I must confess that I am often guilty of overcompensating with my kids, which makes me lose sight of the fact that letting them take their lumps is an important life lesson.