I remember very clearly the day I looked down at my youngest child, Eva, nursing at my breast and proclaimed, ” Snack bar’s closed, kid. Get off my boob.” She was almost three so it wasn’t like I hadn’t done my time. Sophia was six so I calculated I had been pregnant or lactating for almost seven years. Enough. It was time. I was ready to move on.

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 Eva inherited her father’s artistic talent for caricature, cartoon and doodling. She is also a great illustrator. When she was really little she used to spend hours in her room drawing pictures and writing stories about them. I have saved most of her creations. My favorite title of hers is, “Please Don’t Take Me Out to the Ball Game.” I guess she doesn’t like baseball.

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Mother’s Day is  soon, May 10th, which is always a touchy subject in some blended families. I, for one, would like to spend the day with all of my children, step children included. In years past that has not always been possible, but this year we are hoping for a more communal celebration. The Ex-Wife/Step Mom  relationship is one that is often fraught with so much resentment, distrust and jealousy that it is almost always doomed to fail. Read the rest of this entry »

Dr. John Visher, who along with his wife  Emily, cofounded a national organization to advocate for stepfamilies, has died at the age of 88. He and his wife each had four children ranging in age from 5-16 when they married in the late ’70’s. When he and his wife realized that you cannot just foist togetherness on kids, he started support groups to help other families like themselves  sort out their difficulties. You have to really consider how hard it is to blend families when two mental health professionals had so many struggles. To read his full obituary in the L.A. Times, click here. It is a fascinating story.

Yesterday was our third anniversary. That is …  for the first time we got married.  As I mentioned before on my posting on Blended Family Finances, Paul and I got married twice. The first time (and the real time) was on April 25th, 2006. We eloped in secret and got married by  the Justice of the Peace at the foot of the lighthouse in the harbor. It was so romantic. We drank champagnge before, during and after the ceremony, had a dinner at a swanky restaurant, spent the night together and the the next day  went our separate ways, back to our separate houses. Read the rest of this entry »

I used to think giving birth was the ultimate labor of love, seconded only by giving up caffeine and cocktails. I can still remember that terrifying birthing moment when I thought the worst of the pain was over and the nurse told me to PUSH. “You want me to WHAT???!!!” Read the rest of this entry »

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 I couldn’t stand my kids last week and I couldn’t wait for them to grow up and move out of the house. Oh my god, did  I just say that out loud? I don’t know whether is was the jelly beans in the couch or the gum in the garbage disposal, but something just sent me over the edge  and I just knew I had to GET OUT OF TOWN!!! Read the rest of this entry »

About four years ago, in the winter of 2005, right before I met Paul, I took my girls, Sophia and Eva, on a ski trip in the Sierra Mountains.  I was a single mother and it was our first road trip together with just the three of us. I was determined to make the three hour drive by myself even though I was terrified of driving in the snow.  Factor in the fact that I really didn’t know how to ski and I had to wonder, “What the hell am I doing?” Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes people tell me my life is like the Brady Bunch, the popular 70’s sitcom where a man and woman, both widowed, get married and blend their brood of three boys, three girls, a dog and  a housekeeper. I see the similarities. But, and this is a big but, my husband and I are not widowed, we have ex-spouses, separate households to navigate, and all the issues surrounding them. A lot has been written about the trauma and negative effects of divorce on kids. Divorce is almost always a sad and horribly upsetting upheaval in everyone’s lives, particulary where kids are concerned. I am by no means an expert or authority on the subject of divorce and co-parenting, but I have first hand experience that I would like to share with you. I hope this advice, guidance and these observations will be helpful to you.

Divorce should be the end of the conflict. By this I mean once you have made the decision to divorce, accept it and move on. Don’t spend the rest of your life rehashing every argument, reliving past hurts or seeking revenge. Focus on yourself and your new life and devote your energy and attention to improving your current situation. Take the high road. Be a positive role model by demonstrating to your kids that you can accept life’s disappointments, face challenges, overcome obstacles and open yourself up to new posibilities.

Be clear to your children that you  are still a family even though as their parents you are no longer living together and mean it. This can be hard to do and if necessary you can accomplish this in baby steps. Once my mother and mother-in-law passed away I felt the only person I could brag shamelessly to about my children was their father. Herald those straight A’s and good conduct awards to your ex-spouse. Attend back-to-school night and soccer games together even if you have to fake it. Your kids will appreciate it.

Don’t pump the kids for information about your ex and don’t pass judgement if they volunteer something you don’t approve of.  Do go back to your ex and discuss information that you have heard that you feel needs clarification. For instance, if mom’s new boyfriend has moved in and you didn’t hear it from her, you need to ask her about it. You have a right to know.

Don’t send messages through the kids. I cannot emphasize this enough. This has been an on-going problem in our family. Don’t be passive/aggressive. Pick up the phone, send an email and do not rely on the kids to communicate for you. If you feel that it is dad’s turn to buy the Halloween costumes this year because you’ve always done it, tell him yourself. Don’t put the kids in the middle. They will only feel awkward, uncomfortable and guilty.

Remember, they’re just kids and not pawns in your game of getting back at your ex. Don’t make them choose sides. Every time you are at all tempted to blast your ex, even if he/she deserves it, think about how they would feel to hear what you have to say. If nothing else, have compassion for them and hold your tongue.

Spare the drama. If your life sucks, your boyfriend dumped you and your boss is an ass, don’t tell the kids. Let them be kids and have a childhood. They shouldn’t be burdened with your troubles. It only makes them worry about you.