Today’s post if from guest blogger,  Vanessa Van Petten, the teen author of the parenting book “You’re Grounded!” She writes a parenting blog along with 12 other teen writers from the kid’s perspective to help parents.  Her work as a young family peacemaker has been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Teen Vogue, Fox 5, CBS 4 and much more!

http://www.RadicalParenting.com

WHAT BEING A STEP CHILD IS LIKE

My parents divorced when I was 4 and both remarried within two years.  When they both remarried I got lots of new things:

 -Two step parents

- Two new step brothers

- A new step sister

- Two new step families

 But, my parents made very clear, they were not to be thought of step-anything.  So really I got:

 -Two new parents

- Two new brothers

- A new sister

- Two new families

 Quite a Christmas.  I was glad that my parents wanted to make the new family members feel no different than real family members, because I was also a new step sister to them and I wanted to be treated the same.  I wanted to write a post about what it was…I guess, like to be a step child.

 1) Cinderella Syndrome 

Step Sounds Nasty. One of the things I hate the most-still hate, is the nastiness that has been assigned to the word ’step.’  Even now when I use it to describe my family situation I find myself constantly explaining that my step mother is not evil, that my step sisters are sweet and as a step daughter, I am not too bad.  It must be from Cinderella, but I would love for us as a society (with an increasing number of ’steps’ in it), to change the step connotation to something more positive.

 2) Titles are tough

 I am sure it must have been hard for my parents, as it is for most new and old parents to have someone else in your child’s life be called “mom” or “dad.”  I call my step-dad “Pop” and loved this.  I call both of my moms, “mom” and this seems great too.  Yet, this was a sticky process at first and can be hard when you are describing each other.  I think naming and dual ‘momship’ and ‘dadship’ can be a underdiscussed topic that actually causes some stress for step children.

3) It can always feel like a first date

 I did not realize this until much later, and I was blessed with two fabulous step-parents so my getting to know them was easy and fun, but many families I speak with the feeling of always having to impress, walking on eggshells and always being a little uptight can persist around step children and step parents.  Especially if children do not come over very often, the step parent can always feel like they have to be perfect around the kid, and the child can also feel like they have to be on best behavior around them and therefore never really get to know the step parent or go to them when they need help.

 4) Punishment?

On the other hand, step children are never quite sure where the punishment power is held with a step parent unless this is established in the very beginning.  Can step mom ground?  Can step dad make rules about curfew just like mom, what if my other dad disagrees?  This can feel messy and confusing for us.

 5) Loyalty to The Other Parent

 You might have a step child who feels like they are always on good behavior, or you might have one that feels like they have to be on bad behavior and cannot bond with the step parent out of loyalty to the ‘real’ parent.  Luckily, both of my parents told me from the start that they wanted me to be close with their counterpart in the other home so I never had this.  But, I often see step kids and they talk to me about feeling confused: “If I bond with my step mom, does that mean my mom disappears?”  Make sure to have both old and new parents talk about this head on.

 Divorce can be a tragic and very terrifying experience for families, kids and parents, but it can also be a fresh start.  Hey, I got a ton of new siblings in my parents divorce and remarriage and I am so thankful for that.  Out of the ashes can come a beautiful new phoenix.

 Dream big, work hard and you will get there,

Vanessa and the Teen Team at Radical Parenting.com

 Other Articles About Divorce By Vanessa

Everyday Tips From A Child of Divorce (http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/05/15/6-unique-strategies-for-divorced-families/

 Unique Strategies for Divorced Families (http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/03/09/4-everyday-tips-from-a-child-of-divorce/)

 Best Resources for Divorced and Separated Families  (http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/10/20/best-resources-for-divorced-parents-and-separated-families/