I recently wrote a post titled, How Did I Know?,  which answers  the frequently asked questions I often hear about how I knew that I wanted to marry Paul, and how I knew that we could blend our families. However, before I got to the point of remarriage,  I first had to heal and recover from my divorce. Since many of my readers have asked me about that, I would  like to share with you what  enduring a divorce was like for me, how I recovered, and how I moved on.   Although I pride myself on surviving the travesty of divorce without getting a nose ring, a tattoo or a boob job, I can tell you from personal experience  it was no easy task.

The first few months  after Jared, my ex, moved out, were a blur. I felt dazed and confused. I remember thinking there would be some place I could go to for advice that would help me sort it all out. I looked in the yellow pages for divorce support groups and there were none. Oddly, next to the ads for divorce lawyers were ads for skydiving lessons and therapeutic scarf dancing classes.  I guess some people do drastic things to recover from divorce with the theory being that if you can overcome the fear of jumping out of a plane, then you can overcome anything. Not me. I like to absorb my traumas one at a time. As for the scarf dancing, I’m not the emotive touchy feely type. At least not with strangers.

Friends and family members who observed my struggles at the time told me I was very brave, that I handled things with such grace and dignity that I should have been commended. I’ll let you in on a little secret. I was faking it.  My subterfuge  reminds me of a famous interview with the great screen and stage actor Laurence Olivier in which he was asked the secret to his success as an actor. He simply stated, “I just pretend.” That was me. I figured if I acted fine, then I would feel fine. With the help of some therapy, supportive friends and diversionary tactics, eventually I was fine. It is hard for me to believe that from where I  now sit, remarried to a wonderful man who adores me, with a wonderful family whom I adore, that not so long ago I spent  many mornings sobbing in the shower. If my experience can at all help you with your personal journey dealing with divorce, reentering the dating scene and making the decision to remarry, then please allow me to share with you some helpful advice and pearls of wisdom I have gleaned over the years. I hope my happy ending will be an inspiration to you.

How do you get over divorce? I don’t think you ever really do. A day rarely goes by that I don’t wish that I never got divorced. Divorce is like a death in some ways in that pain  subsides with time, but it never completely goes away. Don’t expect it to. Allow yourself to feel sad until you don’t feel sad anymore.  You need to confront grief in order to process it and move on. Don’t avoid it. You will only delay the pain.

Don’t date too soon. Sometimes you think you are OK when you are not. I made that mistake. I worried that if  I didn’t start to date right away I never would.  I thought I would lose my nerve. Although dating again restored my self-esteem on some levels by assuring me that I was still attractive, I really wasn’t ready. Since you tend to attract what you are, and I was a sad sack, I dated a lot of down trodden types  whom I commiserated with over our mutually sad tales of woe– a counterproductive waste of time.   

Over time I realized and accepted that I needed to learn to be alone.  I figured I may or may not ever meet anyone so I might as well figure out how to be happy by myself. I took cooking and wine appreciation classes at the local community college (my fellow classmates were all single women). I learned to ski, read lots of books, (many self-help) took myself out to dinner and a movie (0n Saturday nights), started a successful business, and occasionally stayed up too late watching Pilates infomercials.  Above all, I cherished my two girls, spending lots of time with them and slowly, the three of us  healed.

I am still amazed to this day that I went from being a single mom — fearful of being alone, to now being a wife and mother of five– fearful of never being alone.  The other night when I was walking my dog around our neighborhood, the only alone time I get sometimes, I reflected on my life. My two kids, who are growing up too fast, and my two marriages. Where did the time go? I’ve had a pretty  full life by most people’s standards.   I don’t have many regrets except one –and that is I wish  that I had not spent so much time worrying  about things that eventually turned out OK. Instead  I should have concentrated more on enjoying my life. That is my best advice to all my newly single readers out there.  Don’t worry. It will get better. You will recover and move on and you will find someone else who loves you more than you thought humanly possible, and when you do, you will appreciate  that  much more.