Comments on: MY GAY EX-HUSBAND http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/ A Diary of a Blended Family -- How one couple took a second chance on love and blended five children, four cats, three dogs, two fish and a bird. Tue, 07 Feb 2012 05:55:28 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.4 By: diane http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-2780 diane Tue, 20 Dec 2011 06:41:45 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-2780 I'm going through this right now. I knew my husband was bi and at one point told him if he needed a lost weekend I could deal it. his dad died over a year ago and we moved to a new city...after months with no sex, I finally asked him what the deal was and he said he was gay. My mom came out when I was 4 so I know that I wanted a partner who was very gay friendly, guess I got one who was too friendly. We are best friends and for now will remain married. We have a 6 year old who's had a death of a favorite grandpa, a move away from family and 3 new schools in the past year. I think we can hold on for awhile until we all acclimate to our new life here. My only wish is that he would come out to his step-mom, my MIL. She knows we're having a rough time this year but that's a pretty big piece of the story to omit. We are in therapy so it's on my lists of things that I need. Thanks for this great post. And BTW, when I met my husband he had no fashion sense and now he is 100% metro. If I were working right now this would also be easier. I don't have my own money and that adds another layer. I am in no position to support myself and we can't afford two apartments. I’m going through this right now. I knew my husband was bi and at one point told him if he needed a lost weekend I could deal it. his dad died over a year ago and we moved to a new city…after months with no sex, I finally asked him what the deal was and he said he was gay.

My mom came out when I was 4 so I know that I wanted a partner who was very gay friendly, guess I got one who was too friendly. We are best friends and for now will remain married. We have a 6 year old who’s had a death of a favorite grandpa, a move away from family and 3 new schools in the past year. I think we can hold on for awhile until we all acclimate to our new life here. My only wish is that he would come out to his step-mom, my MIL. She knows we’re having a rough time this year but that’s a pretty big piece of the story to omit. We are in therapy so it’s on my lists of things that I need.

Thanks for this great post. And BTW, when I met my husband he had no fashion sense and now he is 100% metro. If I were working right now this would also be easier. I don’t have my own money and that adds another layer. I am in no position to support myself and we can’t afford two apartments.

]]> By: Carol http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-2206 Carol Thu, 18 Aug 2011 21:37:23 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-2206 Thanks for writing. I am so happy everything finally worked out for you. Good luck in the future. My best to you and your family. Thanks for writing. I am so happy everything finally worked out for you. Good luck in the future. My best to you and your family.

]]> By: Understanding in Mississippi http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-2205 Understanding in Mississippi Thu, 18 Aug 2011 21:09:17 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-2205 I stumbled across your story and it captivated me - I was married for 10 years and have a daughter - my ex-wife and I meet in a gay bar - I knew I was gay but living in the south where it is not "accepted" was very difficult, we became the best of friends and something changed along the way and I "tried" to live the straight life, we eventually married and my family, though not accepting of her, were pleased with me "coming to my grips" about my lifestyle - after 10 years, I knew that I had to get out - I was suffering, she wanted more and it wasnt fair to her. After we divorced, I still didnt want to "come out" again, so I hid - I let her free, but I still found myself in my own prison - living the double life... staight by day and gay by night... I finally came clean to all and I must say my ex-wife wasnt all to happy with it. I tried to put myself in her shoes to understand. Eventually all worked out and all is good. She is very supportive of my life partner, whom I meet just over a year ago, my daughter is crazy about him and vice versa. It was very encouraging to me to read your story. Thank you so much for being you. You are truely and inspiration. I stumbled across your story and it captivated me – I was married for 10 years and have a daughter – my ex-wife and I meet in a gay bar – I knew I was gay but living in the south where it is not “accepted” was very difficult, we became the best of friends and something changed along the way and I “tried” to live the straight life, we eventually married and my family, though not accepting of her, were pleased with me “coming to my grips” about my lifestyle – after 10 years, I knew that I had to get out – I was suffering, she wanted more and it wasnt fair to her. After we divorced, I still didnt want to “come out” again, so I hid – I let her free, but I still found myself in my own prison – living the double life… staight by day and gay by night… I finally came clean to all and I must say my ex-wife wasnt all to happy with it. I tried to put myself in her shoes to understand. Eventually all worked out and all is good. She is very supportive of my life partner, whom I meet just over a year ago, my daughter is crazy about him and vice versa. It was very encouraging to me to read your story. Thank you so much for being you. You are truely and inspiration.

]]> By: mary http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-2119 mary Sun, 17 Jul 2011 13:28:35 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-2119 well l have not much to say, me too ended with a gay husband, sadlly and happy lhad seven kids,when l found out most of my children were married, he has never accepted his sexual orientation he claims he went to therapy and got cured, go figure that out. he was mean at the time of my divorce and he even took my pots,so being gay doesnt make a person good or bad l think that is the person character, well l am happy l am over with it. my kids felt l was wrong for not forgiving him since he really lies about his true feelings even today well l have not much to say, me too ended with a gay husband, sadlly and happy lhad seven kids,when l found out most of my children were married, he has never accepted his sexual orientation he claims he went to therapy and got cured, go figure that out. he was mean at the time of my divorce and he even took my pots,so being gay doesnt make a person good or bad l think that is the person character, well l am happy l am over with it. my kids felt l was wrong for not forgiving him since he really lies about his true feelings even today

]]> By: GoldenInside http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-1012 GoldenInside Tue, 31 Aug 2010 15:18:09 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-1012 I read these posts and am amazed at how similar some of circumstances have been. I was best friends with my gay-husband for years while married to my first husband. When that marriage ended (he was a sexual abuser) we started dating and it didn't take long to realize that we had so much in common. We had to move from Eastern Canada to Western Canada, with my first daughter from my first marriage. My gay husband also immersed himself in work and would be gone on business (he is an engineer) for weeks at a time leaving me with the kids (we had one daughter together). I worked through all of this so my life was full to overflowing. I don't know how I managed to work, take kids to sitters, activities, birthday parties etc. etc..... I left the relationship 10 years later after feeling like I had no meaning within our household. I got attention from another man and I eventually married him and we are really happy together. My gay-exhusband never told me he was gay. I found out through my youngest daughter. I carried the guilt of breaking up our family for years until he moved in with his life partner whom he recently married on a float in the gay pride parade in Toronto ... this is 9 years after I left the family. I finally realized that somehow I was still protecting his sexual identity as he never once mentioned the word gay. I know that he did love me and my leaving really caused him a lot of pain. However I am so glad to see how happy he is now and how happy our daughter is; she is living with him and his partner. I looked at my past marriages and found that I was the common denominator between these 2 challenging relationships. So I decided to learn more about me and how I made the choices in my life and discovered how I can move forward in my life and learn to laugh love and trust again. I applaud all of you who have lived these situations and have moved on. The bottom line is this: it's about coming from a place of love and understanding not blame and accusations. Love and light I read these posts and am amazed at how similar some of circumstances have been. I was best friends with my gay-husband for years while married to my first husband. When that marriage ended (he was a sexual abuser) we started dating and it didn’t take long to realize that we had so much in common. We had to move from Eastern Canada to Western Canada, with my first daughter from my first marriage. My gay husband also immersed himself in work and would be gone on business (he is an engineer) for weeks at a time leaving me with the kids (we had one daughter together). I worked through all of this so my life was full to overflowing. I don’t know how I managed to work, take kids to sitters, activities, birthday parties etc. etc….. I left the relationship 10 years later after feeling like I had no meaning within our household. I got attention from another man and I eventually married him and we are really happy together. My gay-exhusband never told me he was gay. I found out through my youngest daughter. I carried the guilt of breaking up our family for years until he moved in with his life partner whom he recently married on a float in the gay pride parade in Toronto … this is 9 years after I left the family. I finally realized that somehow I was still protecting his sexual identity as he never once mentioned the word gay. I know that he did love me and my leaving really caused him a lot of pain. However I am so glad to see how happy he is now and how happy our daughter is; she is living with him and his partner.

I looked at my past marriages and found that I was the common denominator between these 2 challenging relationships. So I decided to learn more about me and how I made the choices in my life and discovered how I can move forward in my life and learn to laugh love and trust again.

I applaud all of you who have lived these situations and have moved on. The bottom line is this: it’s about coming from a place of love and understanding not blame and accusations.

Love and light

]]> By: Stepmum Of The Year http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-713 Stepmum Of The Year Wed, 17 Feb 2010 23:08:16 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-713 My first love, who I got together with when I was 21 eventually decided he needed to be with men and left me. It was very, very hard, but I never blamed him for it - how could I when it wasn't his fault? The most difficult thing was people's assumption that I had been some kind of "front" for him to hide his true sexuality. I knew that it wasn't true; that there was real love and passion between us. Not only do people exist in a wide spectrum of straight/gay identity, but those identities can shift over time. What you and your family have achieved is really wonderful, and in telling your story perhaps you are opening up the possibility for some other woman or man to behave with humanity when they come to the realisation that their partner is gay. My first love, who I got together with when I was 21 eventually decided he needed to be with men and left me. It was very, very hard, but I never blamed him for it – how could I when it wasn’t his fault?

The most difficult thing was people’s assumption that I had been some kind of “front” for him to hide his true sexuality. I knew that it wasn’t true; that there was real love and passion between us.

Not only do people exist in a wide spectrum of straight/gay identity, but those identities can shift over time.

What you and your family have achieved is really wonderful, and in telling your story perhaps you are opening up the possibility for some other woman or man to behave with humanity when they come to the realisation that their partner is gay.

]]> By: Carol Shwanda » Blog Archive » DATING WITH KIDS http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-712 Carol Shwanda » Blog Archive » DATING WITH KIDS Wed, 17 Feb 2010 20:27:53 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-712 [...] 40 with two young daughters, (ages 6 and 9) after 12 years of marriage, to what turned out to be a gay guy, I have to confess that I found myself in a state of total dating anxiety. I hadn’t dated in 15 [...] [...] 40 with two young daughters, (ages 6 and 9) after 12 years of marriage, to what turned out to be a gay guy, I have to confess that I found myself in a state of total dating anxiety. I hadn’t dated in 15 [...]

]]> By: Carol http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-541 Carol Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:44:59 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-541 Dear Liveandlearn, So sorry that it has taken me this long to respond. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear that you did not have the closure you wanted and needed. I hope in time you will get that and be at peace with the situation. Even with the openness and answers I have gotten from my ex (gay) husband, I still have certain questions about how I should have known and done something sooner to spare myself from the pain and disappointment that not only I, but our children had to endure. Yesterday would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. I told him that. He did not remember. We both said, "Wow. Time flies." And that was about all we had to say to each other. At least out loud. We both acknowledge that we really went through a lot together. It's too bad that your family and friends don't all know the truth about your husband being gay and that they blame you. At least you know the truth and that is really all that matters. And that you found someone else who loves you and treats you they way you deserve. I wish you much happiness in your life together. Stay in touch. Carol Dear Liveandlearn,

So sorry that it has taken me this long to respond. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear that you did not have the closure you wanted and needed. I hope in time you will get that and be at peace with the situation. Even with the openness and answers I have gotten from my ex (gay) husband, I still have certain questions about how I should have known and done something sooner to spare myself from the pain and disappointment that not only I, but our children had to endure.

Yesterday would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. I told him that. He did not remember. We both said, “Wow. Time flies.” And that was about all we had to say to each other. At least out loud. We both acknowledge that we really went through a lot together.

It’s too bad that your family and friends don’t all know the truth about your husband being gay and that they blame you. At least you know the truth and that is really all that matters. And that you found someone else who loves you and treats you they way you deserve. I wish you much happiness in your life together. Stay in touch.

Carol

]]> By: liveandlearn http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-532 liveandlearn Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:25:51 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-532 How wonderful for both of you to have such a happy ending. I am 46 years old now and was with my husband since I was 15 years old. We married at 19 and had two girls. Of course we had never been with other partners but had a healthy 24 year marriage. I had no idea my husband was gay and don't know when he knew. When my girls grew up and left home I felt lost and thought I was going through a midlife crisis. Maybe I was. My husband and I were best friends our whole lives. Unfortunately we never got to talk about his sexual orientation. I left my husband a couple of years ago when I received attention from another man (whom I am still with) and felt like I needed more. My husband was devastated and said he couldn't live without me. I responded that I didn't understand why he wanted me when he was not attracted to me. Keep in mind I had no idea at this time that he was gay. I think he may have realized then that it was not fair to me. Shortly we separated he came out to our girls who were both around 20 years old. We were a close family. They were very understanding of both our sides and loved us both equally. I found out my husband was gay through my daughters. I guess he never felt he could tell me directly. Understandably it would have been very difficult. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in November and died in March this year. I would bring him soup when he was sick but we never talked about his being gay. I wish so much that we could have talked about it. I have so many questions that I will never get to ask him. We lived in a small community and many still don't know this about him and blame me for leaving him. I have since moved from that community. My girls tell me to just get over it which for the most part I have but what was left unsaid still eats at me sometimes. What you are doing is so healthy for your family and I wish you the best. How wonderful for both of you to have such a happy ending. I am 46 years old now and was with my husband since I was 15 years old. We married at 19 and had two girls. Of course we had never been with other partners but had a healthy 24 year marriage. I had no idea my husband was gay and don’t know when he knew. When my girls grew up and left home I felt lost and thought I was going through a midlife crisis. Maybe I was. My husband and I were best friends our whole lives. Unfortunately we never got to talk about his sexual orientation. I left my husband a couple of years ago when I received attention from another man (whom I am still with) and felt like I needed more. My husband was devastated and said he couldn’t live without me. I responded that I didn’t understand why he wanted me when he was not attracted to me. Keep in mind I had no idea at this time that he was gay. I think he may have realized then that it was not fair to me. Shortly we separated he came out to our girls who were both around 20 years old. We were a close family. They were very understanding of both our sides and loved us both equally. I found out my husband was gay through my daughters. I guess he never felt he could tell me directly. Understandably it would have been very difficult. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in November and died in March this year. I would bring him soup when he was sick but we never talked about his being gay. I wish so much that we could have talked about it. I have so many questions that I will never get to ask him. We lived in a small community and many still don’t know this about him and blame me for leaving him. I have since moved from that community. My girls tell me to just get over it which for the most part I have but what was left unsaid still eats at me sometimes. What you are doing is so healthy for your family and I wish you the best.

]]> By: Breezy http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-528 Breezy Sun, 18 Oct 2009 06:07:43 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-528 Bravo to you both, to you all! Bravo to you both, to you all!

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