Comments on: MY GAY EX-HUSBAND http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/ A Diary of a Blended Family -- How one couple took a second chance on love and blended five children, four cats, three dogs, two fish and a bird. Fri, 16 Jul 2010 22:45:09 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Stepmum Of The Year http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-713 Stepmum Of The Year Wed, 17 Feb 2010 23:08:16 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-713 My first love, who I got together with when I was 21 eventually decided he needed to be with men and left me. It was very, very hard, but I never blamed him for it - how could I when it wasn't his fault? The most difficult thing was people's assumption that I had been some kind of "front" for him to hide his true sexuality. I knew that it wasn't true; that there was real love and passion between us. Not only do people exist in a wide spectrum of straight/gay identity, but those identities can shift over time. What you and your family have achieved is really wonderful, and in telling your story perhaps you are opening up the possibility for some other woman or man to behave with humanity when they come to the realisation that their partner is gay. My first love, who I got together with when I was 21 eventually decided he needed to be with men and left me. It was very, very hard, but I never blamed him for it – how could I when it wasn’t his fault?

The most difficult thing was people’s assumption that I had been some kind of “front” for him to hide his true sexuality. I knew that it wasn’t true; that there was real love and passion between us.

Not only do people exist in a wide spectrum of straight/gay identity, but those identities can shift over time.

What you and your family have achieved is really wonderful, and in telling your story perhaps you are opening up the possibility for some other woman or man to behave with humanity when they come to the realisation that their partner is gay.

]]> By: Carol Shwanda » Blog Archive » DATING WITH KIDS http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-712 Carol Shwanda » Blog Archive » DATING WITH KIDS Wed, 17 Feb 2010 20:27:53 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-712 [...] 40 with two young daughters, (ages 6 and 9) after 12 years of marriage, to what turned out to be a gay guy, I have to confess that I found myself in a state of total dating anxiety. I hadn’t dated in 15 [...] [...] 40 with two young daughters, (ages 6 and 9) after 12 years of marriage, to what turned out to be a gay guy, I have to confess that I found myself in a state of total dating anxiety. I hadn’t dated in 15 [...]

]]> By: Carol http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-541 Carol Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:44:59 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-541 Dear Liveandlearn, So sorry that it has taken me this long to respond. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear that you did not have the closure you wanted and needed. I hope in time you will get that and be at peace with the situation. Even with the openness and answers I have gotten from my ex (gay) husband, I still have certain questions about how I should have known and done something sooner to spare myself from the pain and disappointment that not only I, but our children had to endure. Yesterday would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. I told him that. He did not remember. We both said, "Wow. Time flies." And that was about all we had to say to each other. At least out loud. We both acknowledge that we really went through a lot together. It's too bad that your family and friends don't all know the truth about your husband being gay and that they blame you. At least you know the truth and that is really all that matters. And that you found someone else who loves you and treats you they way you deserve. I wish you much happiness in your life together. Stay in touch. Carol Dear Liveandlearn,

So sorry that it has taken me this long to respond. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear that you did not have the closure you wanted and needed. I hope in time you will get that and be at peace with the situation. Even with the openness and answers I have gotten from my ex (gay) husband, I still have certain questions about how I should have known and done something sooner to spare myself from the pain and disappointment that not only I, but our children had to endure.

Yesterday would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. I told him that. He did not remember. We both said, “Wow. Time flies.” And that was about all we had to say to each other. At least out loud. We both acknowledge that we really went through a lot together.

It’s too bad that your family and friends don’t all know the truth about your husband being gay and that they blame you. At least you know the truth and that is really all that matters. And that you found someone else who loves you and treats you they way you deserve. I wish you much happiness in your life together. Stay in touch.

Carol

]]> By: liveandlearn http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-532 liveandlearn Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:25:51 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-532 How wonderful for both of you to have such a happy ending. I am 46 years old now and was with my husband since I was 15 years old. We married at 19 and had two girls. Of course we had never been with other partners but had a healthy 24 year marriage. I had no idea my husband was gay and don't know when he knew. When my girls grew up and left home I felt lost and thought I was going through a midlife crisis. Maybe I was. My husband and I were best friends our whole lives. Unfortunately we never got to talk about his sexual orientation. I left my husband a couple of years ago when I received attention from another man (whom I am still with) and felt like I needed more. My husband was devastated and said he couldn't live without me. I responded that I didn't understand why he wanted me when he was not attracted to me. Keep in mind I had no idea at this time that he was gay. I think he may have realized then that it was not fair to me. Shortly we separated he came out to our girls who were both around 20 years old. We were a close family. They were very understanding of both our sides and loved us both equally. I found out my husband was gay through my daughters. I guess he never felt he could tell me directly. Understandably it would have been very difficult. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in November and died in March this year. I would bring him soup when he was sick but we never talked about his being gay. I wish so much that we could have talked about it. I have so many questions that I will never get to ask him. We lived in a small community and many still don't know this about him and blame me for leaving him. I have since moved from that community. My girls tell me to just get over it which for the most part I have but what was left unsaid still eats at me sometimes. What you are doing is so healthy for your family and I wish you the best. How wonderful for both of you to have such a happy ending. I am 46 years old now and was with my husband since I was 15 years old. We married at 19 and had two girls. Of course we had never been with other partners but had a healthy 24 year marriage. I had no idea my husband was gay and don’t know when he knew. When my girls grew up and left home I felt lost and thought I was going through a midlife crisis. Maybe I was. My husband and I were best friends our whole lives. Unfortunately we never got to talk about his sexual orientation. I left my husband a couple of years ago when I received attention from another man (whom I am still with) and felt like I needed more. My husband was devastated and said he couldn’t live without me. I responded that I didn’t understand why he wanted me when he was not attracted to me. Keep in mind I had no idea at this time that he was gay. I think he may have realized then that it was not fair to me. Shortly we separated he came out to our girls who were both around 20 years old. We were a close family. They were very understanding of both our sides and loved us both equally. I found out my husband was gay through my daughters. I guess he never felt he could tell me directly. Understandably it would have been very difficult. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in November and died in March this year. I would bring him soup when he was sick but we never talked about his being gay. I wish so much that we could have talked about it. I have so many questions that I will never get to ask him. We lived in a small community and many still don’t know this about him and blame me for leaving him. I have since moved from that community. My girls tell me to just get over it which for the most part I have but what was left unsaid still eats at me sometimes. What you are doing is so healthy for your family and I wish you the best.

]]> By: Breezy http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-528 Breezy Sun, 18 Oct 2009 06:07:43 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-528 Bravo to you both, to you all! Bravo to you both, to you all!

]]> By: Carol Shwanda » Blog Archive » I’M SICK http://www.shwanda.com/2009/01/my-gay-ex-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-524 Carol Shwanda » Blog Archive » I’M SICK Fri, 16 Oct 2009 23:57:43 +0000 http://www.shwanda.com/?p=1501#comment-524 [...] What a guy. What a difference. I shouldn’t bash my ex because he was going through his own sexual identity turmoil, but I didn’t know that a the [...] [...] What a guy. What a difference. I shouldn’t bash my ex because he was going through his own sexual identity turmoil, but I didn’t know that a the [...]

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