The greatest achievement I claim in life is my success as a parent and as a step parent. So far, my children have turned out well. They are kind, thoughtful, loving and well behaved. They’re good kids. How did I do it? By employing the same tactics I have used in my career as a successful salesperson.  I assume the close. My children behave well because I expect them too. I learned this from my mother.

Long ago before the days of cell phones and cable t.v.,  I often entertained myself by eavesdropping on my mother’s conversations with her friends when they stopped by for  a visit. I remember one time in particular, I must been about 12, when  Mom  had “the girls”  over for coffee. They were in the kitchen  and I was in the living room listening in. Mom’s friends were complaining about the troubles they were having with their daughters who were always getting into snits with other girls at school. They told tales of lots of bickering, gossiping and back stabbing. One woman said, “Well, you know, that’s the way girls are. They can be so catty. ” My mother, who had four daughters of her own, disagreed.  ” Not my girls,” she responded. “ Why do you allow them to behave that way? It is your job as their mother to teach them to not be that way.” Way to go, Mom. Although I was not old enough to articulate it at the time, I knew that my mother had just elevated me and my sisters to a higher standard. Grateful to her and wanting to please her, I strived to live up to her expectations. In spite of parents’ best efforts, kids don’t always turn out great, but they will have a much better shot if you at least put your expectations out there.

Now as a parent I can fully appreciate my mother’s efforts to never give up on her children.  I am disheartened whenever I see parents I know  become resigned to or accepting of their childrens’ bad behavior. When I first met Paul, he was having a lot of trouble with Cheryl. She was an extremely unhappy child who acted out with fits and temper tantrums that lasted for hours. She sulked and pouted, which alienated her from other kids whom she then accused of excluding her. She also suffered from anxiety and had trouble sleeping by herself. What was surprising to me was that her bad behavior had been tolerated for so long. “Oh, that’s just Cheryl, being Cheryl,” I was appalled to hear from a family member.  This child was hurting and needed help. We took her for counseling where it was revealed that she was still very traumatized by her parents’ divorce. This made her feel very insecure, which was also compounded by the fact that she felt outnumbered by her older brothers who kind of picked on her. What she needed the most was stability and someone  to run interference for her once in a while.

When Paul and I got married and the girls and I moved in, the family dynamic certainly changed. Cheryl was no longer outnumbered. She told me, “The day you married my father I cried tears of joy because I finally had sisters.” I attribute the improvement in Cheryl’s behavior to the influence of her sisters, especially Eva who has always been the peace maker in the family. Eva is a very mellow, easy going, even-tempered child. She calms Cheryl just by modeling calm behavior. They do everything together. The constant influence of an older sister who demonstrates how to behave and is rewarded and praised for it, has taught Cheryl the positive alternative to her bad behavior. Cheryl is now  a very happy, well-adjusted child.