shwanda

My husband Paul just told me that friends of ours, also in a blended family, are getting a divorce. They have five kids like us (four boys and a girl)  and have only been married 3 1/2 years.  The father, I’ll call Jerry, is really broken hearted about it and so are his  three children. When he first told Paul about it he attributed the divorce to the strain of living in such small quarters– a three bedroom house. He said they were always on top of each other. Later, in another conversation, Jerry told Paul that after a lot of soul searching, he admitted a lot of responsibility because of his own rigid standards and inflexibility. He was really tough on his wife’s older boys and he regretted it. They resented him which is too bad. I wondered to Paul if it wasn’t too late for Jerry and his wife to get counseling and work things out. The first step to reconciliation is admitting that you are wrong and are willing to fix it.

I am sure that my husband and children would have at times considered me to be rigid and inflexible and perhaps a bit uptight. To demonstrate this point, here is an example of an incident that happened in our family shortly after we were married when my oldest step son taught me a very valuable lesson on the wonder of living with boys. Eva, my youngest, who has always had a “spit” issue, as in she can’t stand to drink from anyone else’s cup etc,  came rushing into my bedroom to tell me that Sam was, ick, drinking juice right out of the carton!!! Ugh!! How uncouth! Not to mention germs and other gross stuff! I stormed into the kitchen to admonish him and found Sam and Mark standing around the center island chugging some Tropicana. “Sam do you  really drink juice from the carton?” I asked.  Mark replied for him, laughing at the ridiculousness of my question,  ”Yeah, he did. So do I. So does Dad.” Sam put the final note on the conversation when he said to me, “You live with men now. Get used to it.” Point taken. I’ve since learned not to care about stupid stuff and there is much more peace and harmony in our house. I buy separate cartons of juice too.

Getting married the first time when you have no kids is a big adjustment. Blending families is indescribably hard. It can also be fun and joyful if you keep an open mind, look at the big picture and see all the good you are getting instead of dwelling on the smelly socks on the floor and the dirty dishes in the sink. I’ve learned to go with the flow. It is the only way to survive. Drinking some wine helps too.